Breaking Free from People Pleasing in Midlife: Menopause, Boundaries & Your True Self

Speaker: 00:00:00

If you are struggling with unwanted emotions and people

2

: 00:00:05

pleasing more than ever before, I

want you to know you are not alone.

3

: 00:00:11

You are in the right place to learn tools

to help you, and this just makes sense.

4

: 00:00:18

I just wanna remind you, we

just had a podcast and we

5

: 00:00:21

talked to all things hormones.

6

: 00:00:23

So when we're going through perimenopause

and menopause, estrogen and progesterone,

7

: 00:00:30

the two primary sex harm hormones.

8

: 00:00:33

Start to fluctuate and this

directly affects our brains.

9

: 00:00:37

You're not crazy.

10

: 00:00:38

And go back to Tuesday's episode

and learn how you can work to kind

11

: 00:00:42

of regulate tho those hormones.

12

: 00:00:44

But it's gonna ha happen.

13

: 00:00:46

Friends, it happened to me

and I'm, you know, learning.

14

: 00:00:49

Through it, and it does

become a blessed event.

15

: 00:00:53

So you're in the right place today.

16

: 00:00:56

I have Dr.

17

: 00:00:57

Becky Wetstone with us, and we are going

to talk all things, um, people pleasing.

18

: 00:01:05

And so we're gonna kind start

out with where it comes from.

19

: 00:01:09

Why are we doing this?

20

: 00:01:11

Because in my journey.

21

: 00:01:13

Understanding why I was a people

pleaser, helped me to forgive some

22

: 00:01:18

things and and overcome them, and

really look at those core wounds.

23

: 00:01:23

So then we're gonna look at people

pleasing in our relationships,

24

: 00:01:27

in our work, in our faith, and.

25

: 00:01:30

Finally tools.

26

: 00:01:32

Tools that are gonna

help us overcome this.

27

: 00:01:34

People pleasing because the reason I'm

talking about people pleasing, it's one of

28

: 00:01:39

my favorite topics because it's something

that I have really struggled with.

29

: 00:01:44

So, um, you know, I just want this episode

to help you embrace your enoughness.

30

: 00:01:52

It's a good one.

31

: 00:01:53

Thanks so much for being here.

32

: 00:01:57

Speaker 2: Dear Dr.

33

: 00:01:59

Becky, I'm so thankful that

you're here today talking

34

: 00:02:03

about all those crazy emotions.

35

: 00:02:06

Some of them unwanted those feelings

and really delving into people

36

: 00:02:10

pleasing with you today, and that

has been something that I have.

37

: 00:02:17

Struggled with a big, big component, and

I feel like I'm making some breakthroughs,

38

: 00:02:23

so I, I'll throw in my little 2 cents.

39

: 00:02:26

And you just give us your

expertise as you always do.

40

: 00:02:29

We're so thankful to have

you back with us, Dr.

41

: 00:02:32

Becky Westone.

42

: 00:02:33

Um, all your information's

in the show notes.

43

: 00:02:36

I think my listeners know you, um, and

they love listening to all your advice.

44

: 00:02:42

Speaker 3: Well, how lucky am I to get

to come on your show more than once?

45

: 00:02:47

This is such a, I'm so humbled and

thankful for you having me, and just

46

: 00:02:53

wanna say hi to everybody out there

because I'm sure you are listening.

47

: 00:02:58

Because you want to have

a better relationship with

48

: 00:03:01

yourself and with others.

49

: 00:03:03

You wanna be happier.

50

: 00:03:05

And, uh, and people pleasing

is one of the most common

51

: 00:03:10

obstacles, especially for women.

52

: 00:03:12

But believe me, men have it too.

53

: 00:03:14

Some men do.

54

: 00:03:16

Um, it, it's a very, very, very

common emotional disability.

55

: 00:03:22

That we take on at a very young

age, um, due to childhood trauma.

56

: 00:03:29

And I will say that I was raised by a

southern belle in Arkansas who had no

57

: 00:03:38

self-esteem, no self-confidence, and she

raised me to be a world class pleaser.

58

: 00:03:45

So I was very conditioned to be a pleaser.

59

: 00:03:49

And in my twenties started having

depression and panic attacks.

60

: 00:03:54

Really debil debilitating panic attacks

to the point where I couldn't get off

61

: 00:03:58

the couch sometimes, even if dinner

was in the oven, I would sit there and

62

: 00:04:02

let it burn, and so I went to therapy

for the first time and guess what was

63

: 00:04:09

causing my depression and anxiety?

64

: 00:04:12

People pleasing.

65

: 00:04:15

People closing.

66

: 00:04:16

Speaker 2: Yeah, I, yeah, I think,

um, that's a huge, huge part of

67

: 00:04:22

my anxiety as well, and learning

as I take steps to heal it.

68

: 00:04:27

And it's not all happened at once.

69

: 00:04:30

Um, but as I take steps to overcome it.

70

: 00:04:34

Boy, my life feels freer

and it feels more peaceful.

71

: 00:04:40

And so that was gonna be my first question

is like, where does this stem from?

72

: 00:04:44

So yours came, you, you say traumas,

yours came from your, your southern bell.

73

: 00:04:50

I had no, no, no.

74

: 00:04:52

The, the trauma

75

: 00:04:53

Speaker 3: of not feeling

good enough as a child.

76

: 00:04:56

Yeah.

77

: 00:04:56

The, the pleaser personality

is a compensation that we all

78

: 00:05:01

make that become pleasers.

79

: 00:05:03

Um, it, the, the idea is you're born

yourself, and then we're influenced

80

: 00:05:09

by our families and our culture.

81

: 00:05:12

And pretty soon we see their

expectations are pretty high of us.

82

: 00:05:16

And so we decide we're not good enough.

83

: 00:05:18

And there's ground zero for

childhood trauma is the decision

84

: 00:05:21

that you're not good enough.

85

: 00:05:23

And so most of us go, well, I'm

screwed because I'm not good enough,

86

: 00:05:28

so I'm gonna have to compensate and

find a winning plan that so that

87

: 00:05:33

I can avoid rejection, hurt, pain.

88

: 00:05:36

Mm-hmm.

89

: 00:05:37

And so one of the most common.

90

: 00:05:39

Adaptations or compensating behaviors

that people take on is people

91

: 00:05:44

pleasing, and the others most common

ones are perfectionist, overachiever.

92

: 00:05:51

Um, rescuer, caretaker, um, but you know,

Carl Young, the psychologist, wrote about

93

: 00:05:58

how people have, um, an authentic self.

94

: 00:06:01

That's the real you.

95

: 00:06:02

Mm-hmm.

96

: 00:06:04

As, and then we have

the persona that is a.

97

: 00:06:09

And an absolute actor, you

know, you're playing a role

98

: 00:06:13

and the pleaser is the persona.

99

: 00:06:16

Mm-hmm.

100

: 00:06:16

As is the overachiever

and all those others.

101

: 00:06:18

So as long as you live in your

persona, you will never be

102

: 00:06:24

content happy, um, and have peace.

103

: 00:06:27

Period.

104

: 00:06:28

I mean, it's an absolute disability

that needs to be eliminated.

105

: 00:06:33

You said you're in the

process of eliminating it.

106

: 00:06:35

I wanna come over to

your house and just tear

107

: 00:06:39

Speaker 2: down.

108

: 00:06:41

I've, I've huge progress.

109

: 00:06:43

But you know what's so interesting, Dr.

110

: 00:06:45

Becky?

111

: 00:06:46

Is that when, when you said

people pleasing perfectionism.

112

: 00:06:53

I think I'm all of those.

113

: 00:06:55

I think I did all of those.

114

: 00:06:57

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

115

: 00:06:58

Oh, I've taken tests that have told me

that, so, so I'm like, okay, well now

116

: 00:07:02

this is all starting to make sense.

117

: 00:07:04

And I lived in fight or flight

and you know, just always

118

: 00:07:10

trying to be somebody else.

119

: 00:07:13

I didn't even ever really

look at who's Lisa?

120

: 00:07:18

And you wanna know something

really crazy that I'm learning.

121

: 00:07:22

I'm kind of carefree and goofy.

122

: 00:07:25

Oh yeah, that fits a lawyer.

123

: 00:07:29

Speaker 3: Look at me.

124

: 00:07:30

I'm, you know, I'm a mental health

therapist and I'm carefree and goofy.

125

: 00:07:34

Yeah.

126

: 00:07:35

My dad used to tell me, if you

don't get serious, start an adult,

127

: 00:07:39

you're never gonna get a job.

128

: 00:07:42

Speaker 2: Well, and I just

had to be that persona.

129

: 00:07:46

Uh, I just want it to be impressive.

130

: 00:07:50

And Goofy didn't fit that.

131

: 00:07:51

And fun.

132

: 00:07:52

And it was funny because I was, I went

through something where, um, I made a

133

: 00:07:56

big step in realizing about the people

pleasing, realizing who I was trying

134

: 00:08:03

to please and kind of moving past

it and forgiving it and moving on.

135

: 00:08:07

And I, I came in from my barn office

and my two girls happened to be there.

136

: 00:08:11

My one who's a doctor, mama

and my one who's in college.

137

: 00:08:14

And I'm like, oh my gosh, I feel so good.

138

: 00:08:17

I'm like.

139

: 00:08:18

I'm like, carefree.

140

: 00:08:19

And they're like, yeah, mom.

141

: 00:08:21

Because when we think of

mom, we think of carefree.

142

: 00:08:24

But I did sing on a

microphone that weekend.

143

: 00:08:28

I mean, it really has held true.

144

: 00:08:30

So I do want people to know.

145

: 00:08:33

My life is changing.

146

: 00:08:35

My life is changing because I'm beginning

to accept who I really am and love that.

147

: 00:08:41

And I think, you know, I'm kind of

jumping ahead because I wanted to talk

148

: 00:08:44

about how faith is interwoven in this,

but I get to be the person God created

149

: 00:08:50

me to be and he created me this way.

150

: 00:08:55

You know, and how fun is that?

151

: 00:08:57

So I feel a little redeemed.

152

: 00:08:58

Now I could go the other way and go,

just think what I could have done

153

: 00:09:02

with my life if I hadn't spent all

my time, you know, trying to work

154

: 00:09:08

to be in my head and people please.

155

: 00:09:11

So, um, you know, it's time.

156

: 00:09:15

I don't care how old it was cute.

157

: 00:09:16

I was talking to my 81-year-old

mama and she, you know, she

158

: 00:09:21

goes through the same stuff.

159

: 00:09:22

And I, I'm like, you

want me to coach you mom?

160

: 00:09:26

And she's like, okay.

161

: 00:09:27

And she's really good

at naming how she feels.

162

: 00:09:29

I'm like, well, how do you wanna feel?

163

: 00:09:31

And she goes, I'm 81 years old.

164

: 00:09:32

And I go, yeah, it's about

time you start feeling good.

165

: 00:09:37

Speaker 3: Right.

166

: 00:09:38

My mom lived to be 1 0 1.

167

: 00:09:40

Oh my gosh.

168

: 00:09:41

She was a people pleaser

till the day she died.

169

: 00:09:43

She was not gonna change.

170

: 00:09:44

No.

171

: 00:09:45

However, the one person she

showed her true self to was me.

172

: 00:09:50

And so a lot of people couldn't

understand why I didn't enjoy her

173

: 00:09:54

company very much 'cause she was very

negative and complained all the time

174

: 00:09:58

and griped and told me how she hated

this person and hated that person.

175

: 00:10:02

But to her friend, she was.

176

: 00:10:04

A little angel that flitted

around the retirement home.

177

: 00:10:09

And so people would go, Becky, you're

so terrible about how you feel.

178

: 00:10:14

And I'm going, no, because she

unloads garbage on me and I can't.

179

: 00:10:18

And, and I'm, you know, the

healthier I've gotten, the less I

180

: 00:10:22

can handle negativity, you know?

181

: 00:10:24

Yeah.

182

: 00:10:25

And it really, you know, it weighs me

down like a lead apron at the Deni salt.

183

: 00:10:31

You know.

184

: 00:10:32

Speaker 2: Well, and I think what I

find, and so we're kind of jumping

185

: 00:10:35

into, I did wanna talk about people

pleasing in relationships, and I

186

: 00:10:38

think we're kind of jumping into that.

187

: 00:10:40

One thing, Becky, that I have

realized is that as I've been

188

: 00:10:45

growing and kind of seeing things

for how they are, I can detach.

189

: 00:10:53

So I'm not carrying the heavy load of, or

thinking I need to fix the person who's

190

: 00:10:59

maybe like your mom, negative how she was.

191

: 00:11:03

So that feels real good.

192

: 00:11:05

That feels real freeing.

193

: 00:11:06

I mean, and I never thought

I wanted to be free.

194

: 00:11:08

I didn't even realize that.

195

: 00:11:10

But boy does it feel good,

196

: 00:11:13

Speaker 3: you know, people don't

realize that trying to fix other people.

197

: 00:11:20

Without their invitation is an

egregious boundary violation.

198

: 00:11:26

We should not offer unsolicited

advice to other adults or try to help

199

: 00:11:31

them or fix them unless they ask.

200

: 00:11:35

But you know, a lot of people

rush in and they wanna help

201

: 00:11:39

and give unsolicited advice.

202

: 00:11:41

When I'm giving a talk about pleasing,

I will ask the crowd, how many of you

203

: 00:11:47

gave unsolicited advice this week?

204

: 00:11:49

Oh, everybody raises their hands.

205

: 00:11:52

I know.

206

: 00:11:52

And I go, well, you're all violator.

207

: 00:11:56

You know, like we should.

208

: 00:11:57

We we're supposed to be responsible

for ourself and our mind, body,

209

: 00:12:03

spirit Health and other adults are

supposed to do the same for themself.

210

: 00:12:10

As I tell my clients who like to,

who are very dysfunctional and

211

: 00:12:13

they like to give advice to other

people ago, when you have perfected.

212

: 00:12:19

You're, you know, all your,

you're not damaged anymore.

213

: 00:12:22

You're completely functional

a hundred percent of the time

214

: 00:12:26

and you got it all going on.

215

: 00:12:28

Then you can start maybe

fixing other people,

216

: 00:12:32

Speaker 2: right?

217

: 00:12:32

But it's

218

: 00:12:33

Speaker 3: just cracks for

how all these people who have.

219

: 00:12:37

A lot of dysfunctional behaviors

themselves are out there offering

220

: 00:12:41

advice to try to fix other people.

221

: 00:12:44

It's a crazy world, Lisa.

222

: 00:12:46

Speaker 2: It's a crazy world.

223

: 00:12:47

I will say that I always appreciate

someone sharing their story.

224

: 00:12:53

You know what I mean?

225

: 00:12:54

Sharing the story of how they went through

something hard and came out on the other.

226

: 00:13:00

Right.

227

: 00:13:01

So that's kind of what I feel like.

228

: 00:13:03

So you've been through the people

pleasing and you've been set free.

229

: 00:13:08

I'm kind of getting there.

230

: 00:13:09

You kind of make it sound like

you could clobber me over the

231

: 00:13:11

head and it might go away.

232

: 00:13:13

Is

233

: 00:13:13

Speaker 3: that true?

234

: 00:13:14

Five minutes.

235

: 00:13:15

Five minutes.

236

: 00:13:17

Because are you kidding?

237

: 00:13:18

Being a people?

238

: 00:13:18

Being people pleaser is a choice.

239

: 00:13:21

Right.

240

: 00:13:22

It's a decision.

241

: 00:13:22

It's a decision, and I need

you to change your decision.

242

: 00:13:26

I need you to, to really hone in on

and get in touch with who Lisa is

243

: 00:13:35

and live true to her all the time.

244

: 00:13:40

A hundred percent 24 7, and value your.

245

: 00:13:46

Wellbeing and your needs

over anything or anyone else.

246

: 00:13:52

That doesn't mean that you're not gonna

be helping people anymore or all that

247

: 00:13:56

kind of stuff, but if you wanna help

people, you have to ask their permission.

248

: 00:14:00

You don't just help without.

249

: 00:14:03

Asking that like hardly

anybody understands appropriate

250

: 00:14:07

human relations boundaries.

251

: 00:14:09

And that's one of my

favorite subjects to teach.

252

: 00:14:11

Mm-hmm.

253

: 00:14:11

And you and I did a show about that.

254

: 00:14:13

Speaker 2: We did go back and

listen, listen, I'll connect

255

: 00:14:16

Speaker 3: to it in the show.

256

: 00:14:17

The premise is we're all adults

and we should be taking care

257

: 00:14:21

of ourselves if we are able.

258

: 00:14:24

And no one should be taking care of me.

259

: 00:14:26

No one should be taking care of you.

260

: 00:14:27

You should be taking care of you.

261

: 00:14:29

And so I'm, I've gotta

make sure I'm good to go.

262

: 00:14:33

And so that takes a lot of time and

focus to make sure I'm mind body

263

: 00:14:38

healthy, you know, a spirit healthy.

264

: 00:14:41

And so that's a pretty big

plate right there for me.

265

: 00:14:44

And then, you know, after I'm

got myself and my needs met, then

266

: 00:14:49

whatever energy I have left over.

267

: 00:14:52

I go, I can use for my career

or relationships or whatever.

268

: 00:14:59

But you've gotta understand

that that valuing your wellbeing

269

: 00:15:02

over other things is a, is the

holy grail for a healthy adult.

270

: 00:15:08

So, so that means.

271

: 00:15:14

Another person comes into the

pleaser and goes, Hey Lisa, I could

272

: 00:15:18

sure you some help two weeks from

now to help me move some things.

273

: 00:15:23

Would you be willing to

come over and do that?

274

: 00:15:26

And you're thinking to yourself,

275

: 00:15:30

I really have other things to do

for myself that I need to be doing

276

: 00:15:34

that weekend and I don't want to,

I don't wanna help somebody move.

277

: 00:15:40

So you've got to value your

needs over what they want.

278

: 00:15:47

So you have to say, you know, pleasers

have to come up with little phrases in

279

: 00:15:51

their pocket that are nice, so you're

not seen as a witch or surly, you know?

280

: 00:16:00

So we have to say things

like, oh, Marilyn, you know,

281

: 00:16:05

that sounds like so much fun.

282

: 00:16:07

However, I'm gonna be occupied that

weekend and I don't want people lying

283

: 00:16:13

to people and making up excuses.

284

: 00:16:15

I think lying is a bad mojo, but if

you're, if you are maybe gonna be busy

285

: 00:16:20

two weekends from now doing something

that you need or want to do, and

286

: 00:16:25

that's very important and valuable.

287

: 00:16:29

So you have to get in touch with yourself

and go, man, I don't wanna do that.

288

: 00:16:35

And then you've got to set

the boundary and say no.

289

: 00:16:39

And then you're gonna find out

that people still love you and like

290

: 00:16:43

you, um, when you aren't available.

291

: 00:16:47

Mm-hmm.

292

: 00:16:48

And it's wonderful.

293

: 00:16:49

Here's the rule of thumb, don't say,

do not give up your inner peace.

294

: 00:16:56

So someone else can have it, right?

295

: 00:17:00

I think we're, so, I tell, I tell clients

if, if your spouse or your husband

296

: 00:17:06

or your, I mean your, your partner,

your friend asks you to do something

297

: 00:17:12

and you don't really wanna do it.

298

: 00:17:14

Um, and you realize if I say

yes, I'm gonna resent this.

299

: 00:17:19

If you're gonna resent saying

yes, then that is boundaries

300

: 00:17:23

1 0 1 that you need to say no.

301

: 00:17:26

And remember pleasers, come up with those

sweet little phrases in your back pocket.

302

: 00:17:31

You know what?

303

: 00:17:32

My plate's just too full.

304

: 00:17:34

I cannot add another thing to it.

305

: 00:17:37

And something, one of my favorites

that everyone respects is they may be

306

: 00:17:41

asking me to, um, you know, I don't

know, go to an event that I would

307

: 00:17:47

be uncomfortable going to, you know,

and I'll say, oh man, you know, um.

308

: 00:17:52

That just wouldn't be healthy for me.

309

: 00:17:54

I just couldn't, I just couldn't

put myself in that situation.

310

: 00:17:57

But you tell somebody that

something's not healthy for

311

: 00:17:59

you, um, then they go, oh, okay.

312

: 00:18:05

No one's gonna push and ask you to do

something that's unhealthy for you.

313

: 00:18:09

And I want you to think of

it like that for yourself.

314

: 00:18:12

I don't want you putting

yourself in situations that.

315

: 00:18:16

Are unhealthy for you, right?

316

: 00:18:18

Your soul is sitting there behind your

shoulder going, don't take me there.

317

: 00:18:23

Don't say yes to that.

318

: 00:18:25

Don't do this to me.

319

: 00:18:28

Listen to that voice, right,

and, and value what you need

320

: 00:18:34

over what the other person needs.

321

: 00:18:36

The other person's a grown, a

adult, they can figure it out.

322

: 00:18:41

And by the way, disappointment

never killed an an adult.

323

: 00:18:46

So, 'cause a lot of my pleasers go,

well I hate disappointing people.

324

: 00:18:50

Well you know what?

325

: 00:18:51

They're big boys and girls

and they can handle it.

326

: 00:18:54

I've been disappointed thousands of times.

327

: 00:18:56

How about you?

328

: 00:18:56

Yeah,

329

: 00:18:58

Speaker 2: for sure.

330

: 00:18:58

For sure.

331

: 00:18:59

And you know, I'm thinking right now of,

I'm thinking of like family relationships.

332

: 00:19:05

I think this is where.

333

: 00:19:07

It may be the most difficult for me.

334

: 00:19:12

Um, like you're thinking, you

know, you've got aging parents,

335

: 00:19:15

you've got grandkids, okay.

336

: 00:19:17

So say one of them needs your help with

something and you have a workout class

337

: 00:19:24

that you haven't signed up for yet

that you always enjoy going through.

338

: 00:19:29

That gives me, I mean, I have

to sit and ponder that and I

339

: 00:19:32

have to really think through.

340

: 00:19:35

Because sometimes you go do something

that you didn't think you wanted to do,

341

: 00:19:39

and it's way more fun than you thought.

342

: 00:19:41

You know what I mean?

343

: 00:19:42

Like how do you, like, how do we work

344

: 00:19:45

Speaker 3: through that?

345

: 00:19:46

Well, I just think you have to ask

yourself, um, am I gonna resent

346

: 00:19:51

missing the workout class if I say no?

347

: 00:19:55

Like some things are, like, if I get asked

to babysit, yeah, I might like to babysit.

348

: 00:19:59

I might enjoy that.

349

: 00:20:00

Or I may have no energy about it.

350

: 00:20:02

Uh.

351

: 00:20:03

Either I really want to, or I'm

neutral about it, but I'd be willing

352

: 00:20:07

to, you know, and then in those cases,

when you feel that way about that

353

: 00:20:11

thing, then you can go help somebody.

354

: 00:20:14

And, and that's great.

355

: 00:20:16

But when you're feeling that

feeling in your chest that, oh, I,

356

: 00:20:21

I don't want, and then you say yes,

then you are sabotaging yourself.

357

: 00:20:26

Right?

358

: 00:20:27

And that's.

359

: 00:20:28

When you do stuff like that,

that is literally the cause of

360

: 00:20:31

depression and anxiety is right.

361

: 00:20:33

Your souls try to tell you

through a feeling in your body

362

: 00:20:36

that it doesn't wanna do that.

363

: 00:20:38

It's not comfortable with that.

364

: 00:20:40

You know why it doesn't wanna do

that, and why it's not comfortable

365

: 00:20:44

with that, because you're, because

it's not in line with who you are.

366

: 00:20:47

Mm-hmm.

367

: 00:20:48

And your souls.

368

: 00:20:50

To, to persuade you to

be true to yourself.

369

: 00:20:54

Speaker 2: Right.

370

: 00:20:54

Okay.

371

: 00:20:55

So, Dr.

372

: 00:20:55

Becky, I like this because I feel like

I am at least getting to the point

373

: 00:21:01

where I stop and I think about it.

374

: 00:21:04

So I don't know.

375

: 00:21:06

I don't always know if

it's hell yes or hell no.

376

: 00:21:08

I just, I just don't always know.

377

: 00:21:11

Well, you may be neutral then.

378

: 00:21:13

It might be neutral.

379

: 00:21:14

Yep.

380

: 00:21:14

And um, and I think what's interesting

is sometimes I think that I have a hard

381

: 00:21:21

time or if like there's a client, I'm

finishing up my divorces now, right?

382

: 00:21:27

Kinda move and along past that

I'll be doing some coaching and

383

: 00:21:31

if they connect with me and say.

384

: 00:21:33

I can do it this day.

385

: 00:21:35

I can't do it the day we were supposed

to and say it's a day that I had planned,

386

: 00:21:39

like the weather looks nice and I had

planned to walk, I think dignam it.

387

: 00:21:45

I don't want to.

388

: 00:21:47

Say no to them because I can schedule

my walk anytime and what I'm learning

389

: 00:21:53

is maybe I can, maybe I can say

no to get that walk in and maybe

390

: 00:21:58

there's a better time to fit them in.

391

: 00:22:00

Those are the things that are tricky.

392

: 00:22:02

It's not always black and white for me.

393

: 00:22:05

Speaker 3: I just wonder if you're

telling yourself if some little

394

: 00:22:10

negative voice is telling you that

your walk isn't that important.

395

: 00:22:16

And for some people a walk

is the most important thing.

396

: 00:22:19

Mm-hmm.

397

: 00:22:20

It's, they get so much spiritual

enrichment from a walk outside

398

: 00:22:26

and you know, so I think you, you

know, are you telling yourself,

399

: 00:22:30

oh, I can walk anytime I should.

400

: 00:22:34

Yes.

401

: 00:22:34

Now you're shaming yourself, I should say.

402

: 00:22:37

Yes.

403

: 00:22:37

Mm-hmm.

404

: 00:22:38

Well, you know, I want you to get

in touch with how important is

405

: 00:22:42

that routine to you, you know?

406

: 00:22:44

Right,

407

: 00:22:45

Speaker 2: right.

408

: 00:22:46

Okay, so now I.

409

: 00:22:48

I just brought in work.

410

: 00:22:49

So we were talking

about relationships now.

411

: 00:22:52

I just brought in work how it, it is like,

I was like, oh yeah, I'm all cool there.

412

: 00:22:55

No, I'm not.

413

: 00:22:57

I still, I still do struggle with

that and I do, I'm getting better.

414

: 00:23:02

Um, but it is, it's just, and there's

so much when we're, when we're our

415

: 00:23:08

age and, and beyond, because you do

have so many things and everybody

416

: 00:23:13

thinks you're all this free time.

417

: 00:23:16

You know, like I don't even, I can't even

imagine being retired because people are

418

: 00:23:22

gonna be like, oh, you can come anytime.

419

: 00:23:25

And it's like,

420

: 00:23:26

Speaker 3: no, other people

do not get to decide.

421

: 00:23:31

Right.

422

: 00:23:32

You know, if, if they're perceiving

that we're not doing anything,

423

: 00:23:35

that's not their time to plan.

424

: 00:23:38

Right.

425

: 00:23:38

Okay.

426

: 00:23:40

It's our time.

427

: 00:23:41

And we have to remember, boundaries

are the security system that

428

: 00:23:47

we have to protect ourselves,

and that includes our time.

429

: 00:23:53

Speaker 2: So we can't talk about people

pleasing without talking about boundaries.

430

: 00:23:57

Can we?

431

: 00:23:58

Speaker 3: Oh.

432

: 00:23:58

Oh, right.

433

: 00:23:59

And, and people pleasers are terrible

at boundaries because they don't

434

: 00:24:02

like to disappoint people and they

don't wanna hurt anyone's feelings.

435

: 00:24:06

But that just means to me that they're

valuing the other person over themselves.

436

: 00:24:10

And I already told you, you're

the top of the totem pole.

437

: 00:24:14

Okay, so Dr.

438

: 00:24:14

Beck.

439

: 00:24:16

Speaker 2: You're gonna

giggle at this one.

440

: 00:24:18

So, and I think I talked about

this in a saddle up segment.

441

: 00:24:22

I, after we, we record it, our

boundary, um, session, our boundary

442

: 00:24:28

episode, I had reached out to someone

who I'm doing a little side work

443

: 00:24:34

with, and I basically, and she's kind

of a friend, and I basically would

444

: 00:24:39

do anything, you know what I mean?

445

: 00:24:41

To like, make it work

and do what she thinks.

446

: 00:24:44

Is a good idea.

447

: 00:24:45

And I invited her to something that

seemed like a good idea and it was kind

448

: 00:24:51

of, there was a little funny tch to it.

449

: 00:24:53

So I, you know, I left her a little

message and talked about how it

450

: 00:24:57

was kind of funny and she just

very fired back at me that day.

451

: 00:25:06

Doesn't work for me.

452

: 00:25:07

Boom.

453

: 00:25:08

The end.

454

: 00:25:08

And I was like.

455

: 00:25:11

It's like, okay, here's the thing.

456

: 00:25:16

So that was teaching me

how to accept boundaries.

457

: 00:25:19

But you know what?

458

: 00:25:20

It was really, really good for

It taught me why the hell am I

459

: 00:25:26

falling all over this person?

460

: 00:25:28

They're not falling off.

461

: 00:25:30

You know what I mean?

462

: 00:25:31

Why am I given life and limb

to try to make something work?

463

: 00:25:36

And they're not, and they shouldn't be.

464

: 00:25:38

But it was a really amazing

light bulb moment and I think

465

: 00:25:43

like God kinda made that happen.

466

: 00:25:44

And, but when it first happened

I was like, that was a line

467

: 00:25:47

Becky gave us on the podcast.

468

: 00:25:53

You using that on me?

469

: 00:25:57

Speaker 3: Look y'all boundaries and

getting dismantling your pleaser are

470

: 00:26:03

the keys to joy, peace, and happiness.

471

: 00:26:05

I don't know what else to help tell you.

472

: 00:26:08

You cannot have joy, peace, and happiness

till you get this in order and start

473

: 00:26:14

valuing yourself as the precious.

474

: 00:26:18

Human and, and human gold bar,

uh, that's how valuable you are.

475

: 00:26:22

You're big giant gold bar.

476

: 00:26:25

And, and you have to manage

that gold bar's wellbeing.

477

: 00:26:29

And you do that by setting boundaries

and being true to yourself.

478

: 00:26:34

And that's it.

479

: 00:26:36

And you know, and I also,

like all my wellbeing changed.

480

: 00:26:41

180, I did a 180 from miserable

to completely content.

481

: 00:26:47

By doing these things, look, it's

just like the reward is very clear

482

: 00:26:55

and you're not doing anything wrong,

so don't let anybody tell you.

483

: 00:26:58

And this is, I've written blogs about the

fact that when I started being true to

484

: 00:27:03

myself and setting boundaries for myself.

485

: 00:27:07

Certain friends and people started

saying, well, Becky's difficult.

486

: 00:27:11

Becky's a bitch.

487

: 00:27:13

Becky's, you know, Becky's,

you know, whatever.

488

: 00:27:19

And when you set boundaries and people

can't control you anymore or squeeze juice

489

: 00:27:26

out of you that you don't have anymore,

they're gonna judge you negatively.

490

: 00:27:31

So just get ready for it.

491

: 00:27:33

And guess what?

492

: 00:27:34

I don't care.

493

: 00:27:35

I do not care.

494

: 00:27:37

What you, you think I'm a witch?

495

: 00:27:41

My piece, uh, is more important

than anything else, and I'm

496

: 00:27:49

not gonna let you take it away.

497

: 00:27:51

Speaker 2: Well, and I think, I

mean, of course everyone who's

498

: 00:27:55

listening to you and myself, like

we believe what you're saying.

499

: 00:27:59

I know I'm a daughter of the king.

500

: 00:28:01

I know how valuable I am, and I think

what can be tricky sometimes is we

501

: 00:28:07

have these like neural pathways.

502

: 00:28:10

It's like if you're not really buying

it, even though you know Right.

503

: 00:28:15

Like I am sitting here with

you and I'm like, I know.

504

: 00:28:18

I am love, not because of what

I do, just because of I'm,

505

: 00:28:22

I'm here, I'm alive, I'm me.

506

: 00:28:25

However, there's some, there's little

block blockages, you know what I mean?

507

: 00:28:29

And I think that it's, it can be deeper

and that is what I found in my journey.

508

: 00:28:35

So I went through, I got

certified as a coach before I

509

: 00:28:39

had that stage one breast cancer.

510

: 00:28:42

And I think going through that.

511

: 00:28:47

Taking that six months to just kind

of sit and quiet and rest and to go,

512

: 00:28:54

this is deeper than, yeah, I know that.

513

: 00:28:58

I, I can't change.

514

: 00:29:00

I'm responsible for how I feel.

515

: 00:29:02

I know that.

516

: 00:29:03

I know that's true.

517

: 00:29:05

And I know that I need to change a

thought or belief to change how I feel.

518

: 00:29:12

And sometimes you just have

to feel for a little bit.

519

: 00:29:15

Um.

520

: 00:29:17

And yet still to this day, I'm getting

better at it because I'm digging a

521

: 00:29:23

little bit deeper going, I'm going

back deeper into what started this.

522

: 00:29:27

How important is that?

523

: 00:29:29

Like I, I'm going deep

into where did this start?

524

: 00:29:32

Is that, do you think

that's real important?

525

: 00:29:35

I

526

: 00:29:35

Speaker 3: think that finding the link

between whatever dysfunctional thing is

527

: 00:29:40

going on now and linking it to themes

of the past is how you cure trauma.

528

: 00:29:50

Speaker 2: Yeah.

529

: 00:29:50

I.

530

: 00:29:52

Speaker 3: You know, and so it's a,

something I have client, an exercise

531

: 00:29:57

I have clients do is like, people

go, well, I don't have time, and

532

: 00:30:01

I, I had a wonderful childhood.

533

: 00:30:02

Oh, oh, please, you have thousands

of, I don't care what you say,

534

: 00:30:07

you have thousands of traumas.

535

: 00:30:09

And I, and I already know it.

536

: 00:30:10

And, and the evidence number one.

537

: 00:30:13

You had trauma in your childhood as

you took on, you decided at some point

538

: 00:30:18

in your life you weren't good enough.

539

: 00:30:19

So there's number one, but the

number one evidence is people say

540

: 00:30:25

things or do things or refuse to

do things, and you get triggered.

541

: 00:30:32

You, your nervous system gets activated.

542

: 00:30:35

Your.

543

: 00:30:36

Blood pressure goes up, your pulse raises,

and when that happens, when your nervous

544

: 00:30:41

system gets activated because of what some

other person said or did or didn't do, you

545

: 00:30:49

just had one of your old trauma wounds.

546

: 00:30:53

Pricked or stuck or punched

or whatever you wanna call it.

547

: 00:30:57

And so I always ask clients, okay, so

you got triggered when your husband, uh,

548

: 00:31:03

said that the kitchen looked terrible,

uh, when he came home from work.

549

: 00:31:08

So, so, so he criticized you for.

550

: 00:31:13

You know how the house looked,

so let, let's find that theme

551

: 00:31:17

from your childhood Yeah.

552

: 00:31:20

And trace it back if the first, the

oldest memory you can possibly remember.

553

: 00:31:25

And they'll, they'll say, oh, well

I used to be expected to clean the

554

: 00:31:30

bathroom when I was a kid, and all they

did was come in and criticize me and

555

: 00:31:34

tell me I didn't do it good enough.

556

: 00:31:37

Okay.

557

: 00:31:37

So that's your, I'm not good enough wound.

558

: 00:31:40

Yep.

559

: 00:31:41

It's still not healed, but when you can

draw the connection between what happened

560

: 00:31:46

and the now back to, then somehow it

lessens that intensity and you may not

561

: 00:31:54

feel it at all the next time, but you

but it, or you may feel it much less the

562

: 00:32:00

next time when someone says, Hey, you

didn't clean the kitchen good enough.

563

: 00:32:03

You're like, okay.

564

: 00:32:06

So what?

565

: 00:32:07

Right, right.

566

: 00:32:09

Rather than getting all in your

567

: 00:32:10

Speaker 2: field.

568

: 00:32:11

Yeah.

569

: 00:32:12

Because we are responsible for how

we feel and so that, well, sure.

570

: 00:32:17

So that, you know, you,

you, you get that awareness.

571

: 00:32:20

So your husband says something

like that, that triggers you.

572

: 00:32:23

And I go, and then I stop and I go.

573

: 00:32:26

Okay, this feels really

shitty where this is me.

574

: 00:32:29

Whereas not that you wanna

be treated unkindly ever, I

575

: 00:32:33

mean, that's a boundary issue.

576

: 00:32:35

But if it's a trigger, um, then

I go, okay, how do I wanna feel?

577

: 00:32:40

Where is this coming from?

578

: 00:32:42

And I even did some big work where

I went back and I sent all the

579

: 00:32:47

things that were done kind of wrong,

and I then I just kind of, mm-hmm.

580

: 00:32:52

Um.

581

: 00:32:54

I kind of gave that to God and

said, this is yours to judge.

582

: 00:32:57

I forgive them.

583

: 00:32:59

And it was like, that's

where I had my carefree.

584

: 00:33:02

That's where I went, woo.

585

: 00:33:04

La la and, and Dr.

586

: 00:33:06

Becky.

587

: 00:33:06

I think it was so important for

me to hit that, um, milestone.

588

: 00:33:12

I know like that, that.

589

: 00:33:14

Uh, that little stage one cancer

scare was there for a reason.

590

: 00:33:19

'cause I need it.

591

: 00:33:20

There was so much I needed to learn.

592

: 00:33:23

And, and, um, one of the things

was, I think that I thought I wanted

593

: 00:33:29

to, when I did coaching, I was

like, I just wanna move forward.

594

: 00:33:33

Yep.

595

: 00:33:34

I'm gonna change the way I feel.

596

: 00:33:36

But what I didn't get was okay.

597

: 00:33:38

It's not quite that easy.

598

: 00:33:39

It's not quite that easy because I can't,

I think I can, and I think that it makes

599

: 00:33:44

sense, the things that I'm hearing, but

I do, that's where, isn't that kind of

600

: 00:33:48

where therapy comes in, where you kind

of go back and you look at the past?

601

: 00:33:54

Am I right there or am I wrong?

602

: 00:33:56

Speaker 3: The themes.

603

: 00:33:57

The themes of your past, you know?

604

: 00:33:59

Yeah.

605

: 00:34:00

You know, like, like, think about the,

I'm, I'm the youngest of five kids.

606

: 00:34:05

The, my sister was 17 when I

was born, and she went off to

607

: 00:34:10

college the year I was born.

608

: 00:34:12

Um, and so, but, but here's the deal.

609

: 00:34:16

I got no respect in my family as the

youngest child I was, I was dismissed.

610

: 00:34:25

And, you know, disregarded as the baby

of the family for many, many decades,

611

: 00:34:32

you know, and so imagine, you know,

when in your family you've just been

612

: 00:34:38

treated as you don't matter for years.

613

: 00:34:43

You know what that does

to psyche and self-esteem.

614

: 00:34:46

So I think that.

615

: 00:34:48

You know, understanding those kinds

of themes from your life will help

616

: 00:34:53

you explain a lot of why you are

the way you are and to correct

617

: 00:34:58

it because I overcame, right?

618

: 00:35:04

My family's opinion of me.

619

: 00:35:07

Even when I got my PhD, a couple

of 'em made sarcastic remarks to me

620

: 00:35:13

like, oh my God, Becky got a PhD.

621

: 00:35:17

That was the theme.

622

: 00:35:18

That, and how they

addressed me all the time.

623

: 00:35:21

They had no respect for what I

had just pulled off, you know?

624

: 00:35:25

Mm-hmm.

625

: 00:35:26

And.

626

: 00:35:27

But by that time I had done enough

therapy and enough studies and

627

: 00:35:31

stuff to know, to see them as my

abusers and not having no basis.

628

: 00:35:38

In fact, it had nothing to do with who

I am, my value or what I was capable of.

629

: 00:35:45

Right.

630

: 00:35:46

You know?

631

: 00:35:46

Right.

632

: 00:35:47

So let you know.

633

: 00:35:47

Eventually I kind of outgrew my family

and kind of left them in the dust, and

634

: 00:35:53

it just happened organically because.

635

: 00:35:56

Who wants to be around a bunch of

people that talked about you in

636

: 00:36:00

front of you as if you are a joke.

637

: 00:36:04

Yeah.

638

: 00:36:04

Speaker 2: You know,

639

: 00:36:04

Speaker 3: which is their

theme is You're a joke.

640

: 00:36:07

You know?

641

: 00:36:08

And I'm like, okay, well I'm

gonna be more successful, uh,

642

: 00:36:13

than you in my joking, I guess.

643

: 00:36:17

I don't know.

644

: 00:36:18

Speaker 2: Yeah.

645

: 00:36:18

But I

646

: 00:36:19

Speaker 3: just kept tr

tru uh, trudging along.

647

: 00:36:22

And, and not living by the um.

648

: 00:36:27

The, um, stereotypes and labeling

that other people had put on

649

: 00:36:31

me for years, I had to overcome

those things and break outta that.

650

: 00:36:36

Yeah.

651

: 00:36:36

And not be that person for them anymore.

652

: 00:36:39

Speaker 2: Right, right.

653

: 00:36:41

Okay.

654

: 00:36:41

So I promised that we would give the

listeners some tools on how to embrace.

655

: 00:36:47

Their enoughness and how to overcome this.

656

: 00:36:51

People pleasing and I think, I think maybe

one is like being aware of it, right?

657

: 00:36:56

And using your boundaries.

658

: 00:36:59

Can you?

659

: 00:36:59

Speaker 3: Yeah.

660

: 00:37:00

But the first thing, like, like, come on,

everybody, you've gotta make a decision.

661

: 00:37:05

Self-esteem as much as anything is a

decision that you have to make, that

662

: 00:37:11

you matter and that you're valuable.

663

: 00:37:15

And when you start with that and you

realize that you are as important

664

: 00:37:18

as anyone else equal to and value as

anyone else, anybody else, then you

665

: 00:37:25

then and, and then it's your job to

keep you happy and healthy and thriving.

666

: 00:37:31

Then maybe you'll stop throwing yourself

under the bus so other people can be

667

: 00:37:36

happy or get what they want out of you.

668

: 00:37:38

So I think valuing yourself.

669

: 00:37:41

And just saying, you

know, like, I'm valuable.

670

: 00:37:45

I, and, and value is not based

on weight or beauty or education

671

: 00:37:51

or success or anything like that.

672

: 00:37:54

You are a human dang being, and that is

the most valuable thing on the planet, and

673

: 00:37:59

no one can ever take that away from you.

674

: 00:38:02

It's not conditional.

675

: 00:38:04

So if you can just accept that

about yourself and realize it, that.

676

: 00:38:10

You have to manage your wellbeing,

so you've gotta stop giving up

677

: 00:38:14

your power for other people when

you don't want to or when it's

678

: 00:38:19

unhealthy for you or, or whatever.

679

: 00:38:24

You're a grown adult, you're not a child.

680

: 00:38:27

You don't have to do what other

people tell you to do anymore.

681

: 00:38:33

Speaker 2: Okay, so maybe it could be

kind of this, this thing that I've used

682

: 00:38:38

sometimes is like my, my future self.

683

: 00:38:41

So I wake up in the morning and

I go, okay, today I'm a woman.

684

: 00:38:46

I am becoming that woman

who knows her value.

685

: 00:38:50

So maybe if you can

wake up in the morning.

686

: 00:38:54

And tell yourself that, and you can

believe you're becoming that wo woman

687

: 00:38:58

maybe if you're not there yet, right?

688

: 00:39:01

Isn't that more believable?

689

: 00:39:02

I don't know.

690

: 00:39:03

I'm becoming, no, I

691

: 00:39:04

Speaker 3: want you all to look in the

mirror and say, I'm valuable, okay?

692

: 00:39:08

And you can't tell me I'm not, there

ain't no wiggle, wiggle room here.

693

: 00:39:13

There's no sort of kind of valuable.

694

: 00:39:16

You, e you are valuable.

695

: 00:39:18

And like if you believe that you're

not, then you're believing a lie.

696

: 00:39:23

You know, so and so,

like, just step into it.

697

: 00:39:25

It's the truth of who you are.

698

: 00:39:28

Know.

699

: 00:39:29

Speaker 2: Okay, so

700

: 00:39:30

Speaker 3: your tool is

first thing, think that

701

: 00:39:32

Speaker 2: you're not valuable

or you're less valuable, not, you

702

: 00:39:35

know, you open your eyes in the

morning and you say, I am valuable.

703

: 00:39:39

That's your first tool.

704

: 00:39:40

Absolutely.

705

: 00:39:42

Okay.

706

: 00:39:42

I, I wish you didn't even have to do that.

707

: 00:39:44

I wish you well.

708

: 00:39:45

I know, but people do.

709

: 00:39:47

I

710

: 00:39:47

Speaker 3: know, but I'm just

saying, y'all make the choice.

711

: 00:39:51

Say it.

712

: 00:39:51

I mean, this is what I am, this is who I

am, and you know, there's no getting there

713

: 00:39:57

or walking to the place of being valuable.

714

: 00:40:00

You are gonna decide it because it's true.

715

: 00:40:04

And if you and I sat in a room and

you told me you weren't as valuable

716

: 00:40:08

as I was, I would make you prove

it to me and you won't be able to.

717

: 00:40:12

Speaker 2: Right.

718

: 00:40:14

Amen.

719

: 00:40:15

Okay, so that's the first thing.

720

: 00:40:17

And then stop giving your power

to other people, and that's

721

: 00:40:20

where the boundaries come in.

722

: 00:40:21

Go back and listen to that other podcast.

723

: 00:40:23

You're shaking your head no.

724

: 00:40:24

Do

725

: 00:40:25

Speaker 3: not sabotage yourself.

726

: 00:40:26

Yeah, stop throwing yourself

under the bus for other people.

727

: 00:40:32

Just don't.

728

: 00:40:33

Just, you know, again.

729

: 00:40:35

Sometimes I've got the time and

the will and the want to, to

730

: 00:40:39

go help somebody, and I will if

asked other times I don't want to.

731

: 00:40:43

Mm-hmm.

732

: 00:40:43

And so I go, no, thank you.

733

: 00:40:45

Yeah.

734

: 00:40:45

And that's me taking care of myself.

735

: 00:40:49

And that's the most important thing

you can do is take care of yourself

736

: 00:40:55

like you would your own child.

737

: 00:40:56

Mm-hmm.

738

: 00:40:58

You know, like I, when I first married my

husband, he went to bed at nine o'clock.

739

: 00:41:03

He was, he's a physician.

740

: 00:41:05

He had to get up at ungodly hours, you

know, and I stayed up till 11 or 12.

741

: 00:41:10

Well, you know what, uh, I wanted

to get up early and walk before

742

: 00:41:14

work, so I decided to change my life

and go to bed at nine instead, and

743

: 00:41:21

get up at five and go for a walk,

and, and I recognized this knee.

744

: 00:41:27

I needed to walk, and I didn't have time.

745

: 00:41:30

How can I create time?

746

: 00:41:31

I can go to bed earlier, I can

get up early and go walk, and I.

747

: 00:41:37

Noticed that need.

748

: 00:41:38

I made adjustments in my life and tweaked

my life, and I am now a morning person

749

: 00:41:45

instead of the night person I used to be.

750

: 00:41:47

I changed myself and

I feel so much better.

751

: 00:41:51

Mm-hmm.

752

: 00:41:51

I feel so much better.

753

: 00:41:52

So this is the thing, is take

a look at the different areas

754

: 00:41:56

of your life that, that.

755

: 00:41:58

Aren't working or you're

saying, I don't have time to,

756

: 00:42:01

or whatever, and make a tweak.

757

: 00:42:04

Tweak your life, make a plan, make

adjustments, and, and get yourself set

758

: 00:42:09

up so that you can do all this self-care.

759

: 00:42:12

And just remember to

not sabotage yourself.

760

: 00:42:15

Right.

761

: 00:42:15

And even, you know, even with my mom,

I started setting boundaries with her.

762

: 00:42:20

You know, she wanted me to do

this, do that, do that for her.

763

: 00:42:24

I was like her errand boy, you know?

764

: 00:42:26

And I would tell her like, you're

gonna have to wait three days

765

: 00:42:29

for me to come over and help you.

766

: 00:42:32

Um, because I can't, I don't have

time to, I've got appointments

767

: 00:42:36

and blah, blah, blah, and she

would have to live with this.

768

: 00:42:39

Like she was used to barking and

me jumping and, and I put a stop

769

: 00:42:44

to it and I said, I can do it.

770

: 00:42:46

I will do it when I'm able to.

771

: 00:42:49

Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.

772

: 00:42:49

Speaker 3: That's okay guys.

773

: 00:42:51

You don't, you're,

you're now a grown adult.

774

: 00:42:54

You're not a little child and you

do not have to jump instantly.

775

: 00:43:01

You don't, you get to take care,

help your parents if you want to,

776

: 00:43:06

however you want to, as much or

as little as you want to, right?

777

: 00:43:09

Or you can be estranged from 'em.

778

: 00:43:11

That's better for you, right?

779

: 00:43:13

You know, you, you have autonomy to live a

life of peace and happiness for yourself.

780

: 00:43:22

Speaker 2: Yep.

781

: 00:43:23

All right, honey, this is so good.

782

: 00:43:25

I love chatting with you and the time

we've went way over time as usual,

783

: 00:43:30

so I appreciate you being here.

784

: 00:43:33

You're getting started, Lisa.

785

: 00:43:36

I, I know it's, it's good stuff and

I just feel like to leave people

786

: 00:43:40

with, you know, one, maybe one small

step at a time to make a change, and

787

: 00:43:46

then you get to feel the evidence.

788

: 00:43:48

You know, like the walk that you started

going on, making that change to go to bed

789

: 00:43:53

a little bit early, you know what I mean?

790

: 00:43:55

And just, um, once you do that, it's

791

: 00:43:58

Speaker 3: all self-care.

792

: 00:44:00

It's self-care.

793

: 00:44:00

And self-care is the most important thing.

794

: 00:44:02

Amen.

795

: 00:44:02

And that includes making boundaries.

796

: 00:44:04

That includes valuing yourself.

797

: 00:44:06

It includes everything

that we just talked about,

798

: 00:44:09

Speaker 2: which is going to allow you

to serve the world and live your purpose.

799

: 00:44:15

So Dr.

800

: 00:44:16

Becky, thank you.

801

: 00:44:17

Thank you for being here.

802

: 00:44:19

Our listeners can find

you in my show notes.

803

: 00:44:21

How else can they get ahold of you?

804

: 00:44:22

If they need some therapy

from the doctor, you

805

: 00:44:25

Speaker 3: can always blog do

read my blog on Medium, the Becky

806

: 00:44:29

Wetstone blog and um, and you can

find me@marriagecrisismanager.com.

807

: 00:44:36

Speaker 2: Perfect.

808

: 00:44:37

All right.

809

: 00:44:37

Thank you so much.

810

: 00:44:38

You take good care.

811

: 00:44:40

Thank you.