New Year, New Beginnings: Thriving Through Divorce in 2025 with Laurie Gerber

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Welcome listeners.

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I'm so thrilled to have you here.

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I've got my friend, Lori Gerber, and

I'm telling you, she's a big deal.

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And she's been on before on saddle

up live, doing divorce different.

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And I'm so grateful to have her

back because I just love getting

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all that learning from you, Lori.

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we decided to have Lori come

back and she's going to help us.

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Talk through divorce or dating after

divorce, and Laurie, I also think of

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some of my friends who may be over 50

and have never been married and they

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still are having issues and they're

really wanting to find someone.

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So I think we could kind of group

that together and chat about that.

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Please just share with my listeners

what brought you to do this work.

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And I say, you're a big deal

because you are, you've been on Dr.

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Phil, you do TEDx and it truly was one

of the most fun conversations I've had.

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So I'm just so thankful that you're back.

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So thank you for being here and welcome.

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Awesome.

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Great to be here.

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I have been in the life coaching

business for over 20 years, which

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is kind of before it existed.

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So I'm a founding mother of that world.

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And honestly, I came

for business coaching.

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I came for career coaching to my coach

originally, but I got so much help in

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the area of relationship and love that

I Decided to become a coach myself.

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So that is my very short history.

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And I will say what I learned in that very

beginning of my experience with a coach

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regarding how to sustain healthy love

has served me up until literally today.

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And all of the tools and principles that I

use, I'm with my husband now 30 years that

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we did have a near divorce experience.

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I use it all.

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I still use it all and I like

teaching it because it also

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helps me remember to use it.

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So that's the selfish piece of it

and i'm excited to talk to folks who

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are listening who have either never

found their person or who have let

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go of a relationship probably for the

best and now are Looking out into the

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future and wondering what's possible.

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That's my favorite.

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That's my favorite moment Yeah,

i'm so excited to talk about that.

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And you know, we all know that divorce

The second time around the second

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marriage, the rate is actually higher.

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So what can people do to find

that perfect match that really

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that, so they're not falling prey

to getting back in the perfect.

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Well, I just want to offer hope for

one moment first, because I have the

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advantage, and you who are listening

may not have the advantage, but I

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have the advantage of having worked

with women daters for 20 years.

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So I've worked with thousands and

thousands of people, both one on

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one, I've worked with couples,

but I've also worked for Match.

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com and Zoosk and JDate, you know,

I've worked for dating companies.

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expose myself to incredible

population of humans.

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And what I want to report back

is that people do find love after

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divorce, after heartbreak, after two

divorces, after really bad situations

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and people do change their type.

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And this is something that's so

important because if you have never

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found love or you keep picking

badly, Either partners or marriages.

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There still is hope.

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There still is hope.

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And I have story after story after

story about somebody doing their work,

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honestly doing their work, coming

out a different person with different

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perspectives, different beliefs,

different thinking patterns, different

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goals for a relationship, and truly

finding a different kind of love.

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Am I saying it's a shoe in?

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Is it, am I saying it's easy?

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No, but there is.

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Hope.

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But yes, you do have to do it differently.

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Okay.

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I love that.

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And I love just putting the

work in can get you there.

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So if people are looking to do

this, what's the first step?

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how do they get there?

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Okay.

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So first step don't rush, right?

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One thing I have learned from

working with women at all stages

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is that they're especially over

50, Especially after divorces, we

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understand there is no need to rush.

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You do not need to find a mate.

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You do not need to produce a child.

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You do not need to

anything, hopefully, right?

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So hopefully you are now for, for

maybe the first time pursuing love

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because you want to, because you

desire a certain kind of partnership,

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not because you feel you need to, to

look good to the outside world or to

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produce a family or to share a family.

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You know, household or financial

responsibilities and all of that,

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hopefully, is now out of the way.

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So, Don't Rush is my first,

uh, my first bit of coaching.

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When I say do the work, the first

part of the work I mean is going

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into your history to understand it.

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Nobody wants to do this.

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Nobody wants to do this.

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Okay, but what this means is studying your

past choices, and I have a very specific

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specific rubric I take my clients through

to study their past choices in a way that

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makes it crystal clear what the pattern

is, what the sellout has been, where

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they sell out, how they sell out, the

flavor, the smells, the type, all of that.

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And I know people kind of think they know.

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But I have found it's quite remarkable

how much people have not analyzed the

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data in a systematic approach so that they

walk out like, I'm not doing that again.

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Now, unfortunately, you gotta

do even one step further is you

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have to go back to your parents

mistakes and their parents mistakes.

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You have to go back in the lineage

and your aunts and your uncles and

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understand what is it that your beautiful,

specific, I think, spiritually intended

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lineage has offered you as your,

you know, Opportunity for evolution.

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Let's put it that way.

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What has your lineage offered you

as your opportunity for evolution?

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So between what your lineage has

offered you, your, your, your family,

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your genetics, and your epigenetics,

and what you have to this point today

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experienced in your actual personal

life, those two things combined to give

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you some really important learnings.

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Some really important learning, some

really important lessons, some really

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important guideposts that then we

turn into the new law in the town.

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Okay.

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that is like the very first bit

of the preparation to date, I

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call it date like you mean it.

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I saw that on your

website and I love that.

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And I just want to mention You

do have a webinar coming up

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for people who are interested.

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And I think is it three secrets to

finding and maintaining healthy love

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without repeated disappointments?

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You got it.

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Beautiful.

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Yes.

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Yeah.

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So, I mean, if people want to dig

in, that's a great place to start.

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It's free.

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Chock full of information about

how to, you know, just what I

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just talked about, how to not

sell, how to not sell out, right?

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How to pick differently, how to change

your type, how, what are sort of the

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basic ways to think about dating?

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Cause then the next step is now you

have to figure out what you want, which

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I'm sorry, but if you haven't been

happy in your relationships, what you

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thought you wanted, isn't what you want.

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So you're going to have to be

willing to change your mind.

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I used to think I wanted to eat bagels

and cookies at every meal because there

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was a part of me that wanted that.

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Right.

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But it was not the whole of me, what this

methodology, and we call it the three

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H's method, head, heart, and hoo ha.

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What this methodology is teaching you

to do is to listen to the whole of you.

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Not just one aspect, two aspects of you.

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It turns out the whole of me likes fresh

food from nature that is beautifully

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prepared and excellently prepared.

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That's what the whole of me wants.

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Right.

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And the analogy from food to.

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Picking a lover is very good.

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It's a very strong correlation between no,

I want my Snickers bar or I want my donut

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and no, I want my beautiful, gorgeous

multicolored salad with protein, right?

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They're really, it's a good analogy.

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So, that's the next step of preparation

is to really articulate what you want

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from the heart and the head and the

hoo ha not just whichever age has

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been leading the day up until now.

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Right.

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Okay.

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So we're getting the steps here.

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Don't rush, which I can totally jump into.

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And I'm hearing so much, and I'm

thinking of core wounds when you

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talk about going to your history.

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This is something new to me, Lori.

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I mean, I just, Ooh, I'm

trying to do it a little bit.

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Little work on that just in life.

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And so what you're telling me, and this

is what I thought of when you talked

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about food and the relation to how you

pick what kind of food you want to eat.

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This, this, what you're doing

can apply to a lot of different

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things, not just dating.

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And so I love that.

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The three H's I have asked my clients

to use it in regards to hiring,

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Picking friendships.

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Shopping for clothing,

shopping for a new home.

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Love is incredible.

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Even looking for a job, right?

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It's incredibly or career.

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It's an incredibly applicable concept

because again, most of us are not raised

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to believe you can have all three, right?

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Isn't part of the culture.

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It's, it's actually more

part of the culture is you

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sacrifice one for the other.

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If you want it to be really hot,

it's not going to be practical.

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If you want it to be practical,

it's not going to be practical.

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It's not going to be hot.

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If you want to trust the person,

it's definitely not going to be hot.

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So we're not even looking.

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And it's, unfortunately, if

we don't believe in something,

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we're not going to find it.

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Right.

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Well, and Laurie, I can't help but think

too, that I have been a woman who is now

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just learning to discover what I like.

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And so I imagine some of the listeners

could be thinking, well, I don't

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even, how do I even really know?

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Right.

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I mean, like what am I attracted to?

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I don't know.

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Right.

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And I actually think that's healthier

than thinking, you know, for sure.

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Because a lot of people who

think they know for sure

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they do come and report back.

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Oh no, I ended up with someone I really

liked that wasn't quote unquote my type.

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So I actually think not knowing

is an elegant place to be.

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And then there's a couple of

things you can do about that.

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One is experiment.

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Okay.

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What I mean by experiment is I don't

recommend if you've just gotten out

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of a long term relationship or you've

just been celibate for a really long

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time, I don't recommend you go for long

term monogamy right out of the gate.

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Most, a lot of women can't actually

do a bunch of people at the same time,

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but I really would recommend trying.

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Right.

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Trying to date, trying to see a lot of

different people, even if you have to do

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them in succession, not at once, because

you really do learn a lot by doing that.

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You can't learn by thinking about

it or looking at pictures or asking

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your friends there, it is, there's

an experiential quality to it.

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That's very personal.

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The other thing is when you do

the inventory of your past loves,

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what you're going to find is

that there were things you liked.

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And that you always liked.

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You always liked a sense of adventure.

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You always liked being listened to.

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You always liked this thing in bed.

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You always liked, you know, a certain kind

of sense of humor or something like that.

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Right.

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So there are some clues from your history.

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It's not all bad news in your history

of what you like in your history.

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There's some things you're

going to learn by experience.

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And I'll give you one more tip, which is

brainstorm all the things you think you

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want, and then really ask yourself, where

did I get the idea that I wanted that?

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Like, where did I get the idea?

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Because I long, long had the idea.

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I wanted blonde hair and blue eyed.

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And then I was like, where

did you get that Laurie?

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And it wasn't a good answer, right?

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Like, it was not a answer.

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It was like, do I want to keep having the

same influence as I had when I was 12?

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No, in this case, no.

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So where did that come from that

I want this and why do I want it?

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Because a lot of the times when

I ask a woman why they say they

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want the thing they want, I get

a much better answer than that.

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First, you know, they say tall or

they say wealthy, or they say college

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graduate, or they say whatever.

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And it's not true that

that's what they want.

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What's true is that they want.

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something more essential than that.

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They want to feel safe, they want to feel

seen, they want to feel attracted, they

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want to feel equally met intellectually.

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Those are much better things to

essentialize to in what you're

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looking for than what your brain

will come up with right off the bat.

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So I don't know what's a great start.

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And those are my three tips for

coming to know yourself better.

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Right.

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Okay.

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And so just like digging into

a little deeper into where

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did that thought come from?

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What's the belief behind that?

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Is that even just, where did it come from?

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Like, where did it come from?

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People think they have to date

in their religion, for example.

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And if that's really true for you, Great.

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But if it's not really true for

you, just saying what your parents

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said, or even that you have to

date a certain gender, right?

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Like who said, are you sure?

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Because a large percentage of people

should not be sure, but because

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we're programmed and we think we

know and, or our parents told us, or

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we're scared of the repercussions.

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We go along with something that we

didn't actually choose for ourselves.

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So we just asking people to re

question, where did that come from?

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And do I still believe in that thing?

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Yeah, I still do.

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I still believe in that.

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Do we still want that?

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Yep.

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And what I love about what you're

saying, because this is another new

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thing I'm learning is to not rush.

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You said don't rush first.

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I mean, that is allowing yourself to

experiment, allowing yourself to take the

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time to really look at, finding someone

that's really going to be a match so

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that this is all making good sense to me.

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I love it.

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Okay.

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So after they're kind of brainstorming

what they want, how do they start?

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Dating like they mean it.

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So then the next step is to talk

about, to think about and talk

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about what you have to offer.

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And I really, cause we talk and

think a lot about what we want.

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Now we have to go, okay, what are

we offering in return for that?

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So I have a whole conversation

about assets and liabilities.

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What's great about me in head,

heart and who I want to be.

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I want my clients to be very

clear on what they have to offer.

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And if they're not excited about what

they have to offer, then we need to take

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a little side road and get you to where

you're proud of what you have to offer.

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If you don't think you're a good

communicator, if you don't think you

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can do fun things in bed, if you don't

think that you can care about another

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person's experience, if you don't

like you're too depleted, for example,

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then you need to take the time to get

yourself resourced before you want to

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go out and attract who you're going

to attract at that vibrational level.

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So that's number one.

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the other thing that people avoid

doing, but it's so important is

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really understanding and owning

your personal liabilities.

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And I want you to hear

that in a particular way.

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Liabilities are not

necessarily liabilities.

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I'm putting liabilities in quotes, okay?

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So a liability could be a health issue.

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I mean, people with herpes

are forever ashamed, right?

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like, they can barely even date, right?

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Like it's tragic, how much a certain

kind of health issue can take someone

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out of the game entirely because

it feels like such a liability.

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For the right partner, it could be the

opposite of a liability, just so you know.

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Other liabilities are things I

have to care for a dependent.

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I don't have a lot of money.

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I don't have a lot of

geographical flexibility.

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I have seven cats.

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I have a dog.

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And then there are personality traits.

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I tend towards being selfish.

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I'm sloppy.

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I'm messy.

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I'm argumentative.

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I'm judgmental.

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People want to just pretend they have none

and avoid that conversation in dating.

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I recommend you go into dating being

very clear about your liabilities

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and already having your, the ways

in which you talk about it, right?

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My clients need to figure out how they're

going to talk about their health issues,

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figure out how they're going to talk

about their kids, figure out how they're

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going to talk about the fact maybe they're

still married, figured out how they're

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going to talk about their ex and how the

ex shows up in their life, figure out

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how they're going to talk about their

personality traits that are tricky.

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I mean, and Anand, I can give you a list

of like the top 20 most common topics,

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but I can assure you if you're listening

right now, you have seven ish, and you

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need to learn how to talk about them, and

then you need to learn how to elicit the

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other person talking about theirs, too,

to see do we have liability compatibility?

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And then we work on a profile and pictures

and then I teach you canned responses

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for how you can move things along online

if you're dating online And then we talk

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about how to have difficult conversations

so that you can keep bringing up things as

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you go and establish a baseline of honesty

in the relationship that's the summary.

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All right.

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I love that.

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: 00:16:56

Okay That's so good and so helpful.

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And I feel like this information could

be so helpful to young people as well.

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Because when you're talking about, talk

about your liabilities, when I think back

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to, you know, 35 years ago, when I started

dating my husband, well, I just was

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like, Trying to make myself look perfect.

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Yeah.

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Oh a lot of good that does me right that

doesn't mean no good because How long do

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you think you can hold in your stomach?

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Like how long do you think?

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Good for you.

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Exactly.

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: 00:17:30

Exactly So I I feel like Laurie this could

be something that if people date, right?

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I think the divorce rate

would go down for sure.

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: 00:17:42

I mean, we get married

for so many bad reasons.

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: 00:17:45

And you know, what's so interesting

is that I talked to a lot of people

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who are divorcing and divorced and

most of them say they knew they

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actually knew when they got married.

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: 00:17:55

They knew before they

walked down the aisle.

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They knew when they were

walking down the aisle.

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: 00:17:58

They knew shortly after they walked down

the aisle, the thing that eventually

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broke them up was not a surprise, which

tells you that we make a choice, right?

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We make a choice to let something

slide and step over something in

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honor of something else we're chasing.

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And I'm not saying you don't have to

negotiate or compromise in relationships,

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but unfortunately, you know, a majority of

people compromise too much and ultimately

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they cannot sustain that sacrifice.

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: 00:18:25

Right.

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: 00:18:26

Well, I love that you're

changing the world and let's

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get that divorce rate down.

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: 00:18:30

I feel like I don't want to say I got

lucky or I was blessed or whatever

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it is to still be in the marriage

that I'm in because I didn't do this.

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You know, all this and, and it would

have been so much better if I did.

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And as you're talking, I can see friends

who did end up divorced and had they gone

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through this list of, well, knowing for

one, knowing what you want, knowing your

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liabilities, It can help you in dating.

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It can help you in business.

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It can help you in everything.

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So I appreciate you being here, Laurie.

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And I'm looking at the time and it's

ticking away, but what I want my listeners

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to know is that if you love listening

to Laurie jump on saddle up live because

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: 00:19:10

Laurie and I are going to be talking

about dating your spouse, which I really

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: 00:19:15

need help on because I've let that slide.

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: 00:19:18

Sign up for that web, that webinar.

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: 00:19:20

It's going to be in the show notes.

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: 00:19:21

Lori, do you want to let people

know where they can find you?

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: 00:19:24

Sure.

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: 00:19:24

Yeah.

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: 00:19:24

The best place to find me is Lori Gerber.

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: 00:19:27

com, which is L A U R I E G E R B E R.

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: 00:19:31

com.

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: 00:19:32

And if you add the slash webinar, you will

see the free webinar available to you.

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: 00:19:37

If that's the direction you want to

go, or you can just look around on

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: 00:19:39

the website and see what you like.

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Wonderful.

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: 00:19:42

Thanks so much for being here.