New Year, New Beginnings: Thriving Through Divorce in 2025 with Laurie Gerber
Navigating Life After Divorce: Expert Tips from Laurie Gerber
We are so pleased to welcome back life coach Laurie Gerber, who shares invaluable insights about dating after divorce and finding love later in life. With over 20 years of experience in life coaching, Laurie discusses the importance of understanding one’s history and making intentional dating choices. We delve into identifying personal patterns, addressing past mistakes, and re-evaluating what one truly wants in a partner. Laurie also emphasizes the significance of not rushing into new relationships and provides practical tips to date effectively. The conversation highlights the broader applicability of these principles to various aspects of life, aiming to help listeners build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
00:00 Introduction and Guest Welcome
01:09 Lauriei's Background and Experience
02:21 Finding Love After Divorce
04:01 Steps to Successful Dating
04:49 Understanding Personal History
07:17 The Three H's Method
09:39 Knowing What You Want
13:59 Assets and Liabilities in Dating
18:57 Conclusion and Upcoming Webinar
Laurie Gerber
Founder, Laurie Gerber Coaching, Inc.
Laurie Gerber is one of the most engaging and effective life coaches and presenters in the country.
After holding several positions at Handel Group® over the last 20 years, including President of HG Life, Laurie is currently licensing The Handel Method® and running Laurie Gerber Coaching, Inc. focusing on LOVE coaching.
Laurie has appeared on the Today Show, Dr, Phil, MTV and A & E and been the resident love expert at Match, Zoosk, Jdate, and many more.
She has been presenting to and coaching individuals, couples, and groups, with a wide range of partners including: the dating sites above, General Assembly, She Tribe, BeSocialChange, IvyConnect, Ellevate, and many more. She has appeared on television shows, podcasts, radio shows, and all over the internet. Check out “The Secret-Free Diet”, her TedX talk on the power of truth telling.
When not working from her NYC townhouse, she’s meditating, jogging, or attempting to get cuddles from her 10, 20 and 22-year old kids and husband of 26 years.
GIVE AWAY:
For more of Laurie's dating resources check out her FREE webinar:
"3 Secrets to Finding and Maintaining Healthy Love without Repeated Disappointments"
Learn:
✅The biggest mistake women make that prevents them from finding their happily ever after
✅The 3 Essential Ingredients to finding a suitable companion for long-term commitment
✅Why you need to implement the 3-date strategy to find your soulmate in WAY less dates.
REGISTER HERE: www.lauriegerber.com/webinar
Or
Visit lauriegerber.com
Free Facebook group: Relationship Tips: Love as a Verb: Dating for Women over 50
https://www.facebook.com/groups/loveasaverb
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Linked in: https://www.linkedin.com/in/lauriegerber
https://linktr.ee/LesaKoski
Transcript
Welcome listeners.
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:I'm so thrilled to have you here.
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:I've got my friend, Lori Gerber, and
I'm telling you, she's a big deal.
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:And she's been on before on saddle
up live, doing divorce different.
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:And I'm so grateful to have her
back because I just love getting
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:all that learning from you, Lori.
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:we decided to have Lori come
back and she's going to help us.
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:Talk through divorce or dating after
divorce, and Laurie, I also think of
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:some of my friends who may be over 50
and have never been married and they
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:still are having issues and they're
really wanting to find someone.
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:So I think we could kind of group
that together and chat about that.
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:Please just share with my listeners
what brought you to do this work.
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:And I say, you're a big deal
because you are, you've been on Dr.
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:Phil, you do TEDx and it truly was one
of the most fun conversations I've had.
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:So I'm just so thankful that you're back.
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:So thank you for being here and welcome.
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:Awesome.
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:Great to be here.
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:I have been in the life coaching
business for over 20 years, which
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:is kind of before it existed.
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:So I'm a founding mother of that world.
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:And honestly, I came
for business coaching.
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:I came for career coaching to my coach
originally, but I got so much help in
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:the area of relationship and love that
I Decided to become a coach myself.
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:So that is my very short history.
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:And I will say what I learned in that very
beginning of my experience with a coach
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:regarding how to sustain healthy love
has served me up until literally today.
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:And all of the tools and principles that I
use, I'm with my husband now 30 years that
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:we did have a near divorce experience.
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:I use it all.
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:I still use it all and I like
teaching it because it also
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:helps me remember to use it.
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:So that's the selfish piece of it
and i'm excited to talk to folks who
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:are listening who have either never
found their person or who have let
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:go of a relationship probably for the
best and now are Looking out into the
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:future and wondering what's possible.
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:That's my favorite.
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:That's my favorite moment Yeah,
i'm so excited to talk about that.
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:And you know, we all know that divorce
The second time around the second
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:marriage, the rate is actually higher.
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:So what can people do to find
that perfect match that really
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:that, so they're not falling prey
to getting back in the perfect.
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:Well, I just want to offer hope for
one moment first, because I have the
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:advantage, and you who are listening
may not have the advantage, but I
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:have the advantage of having worked
with women daters for 20 years.
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:So I've worked with thousands and
thousands of people, both one on
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:one, I've worked with couples,
but I've also worked for Match.
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:com and Zoosk and JDate, you know,
I've worked for dating companies.
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:expose myself to incredible
population of humans.
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:And what I want to report back
is that people do find love after
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:divorce, after heartbreak, after two
divorces, after really bad situations
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:and people do change their type.
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:And this is something that's so
important because if you have never
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:found love or you keep picking
badly, Either partners or marriages.
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:There still is hope.
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:There still is hope.
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:And I have story after story after
story about somebody doing their work,
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:honestly doing their work, coming
out a different person with different
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:perspectives, different beliefs,
different thinking patterns, different
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:goals for a relationship, and truly
finding a different kind of love.
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:Am I saying it's a shoe in?
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:Is it, am I saying it's easy?
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:No, but there is.
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:Hope.
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:But yes, you do have to do it differently.
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:Okay.
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:I love that.
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:And I love just putting the
work in can get you there.
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:So if people are looking to do
this, what's the first step?
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:how do they get there?
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:Okay.
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:So first step don't rush, right?
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:One thing I have learned from
working with women at all stages
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:is that they're especially over
50, Especially after divorces, we
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:understand there is no need to rush.
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:You do not need to find a mate.
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:You do not need to produce a child.
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:You do not need to
anything, hopefully, right?
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:So hopefully you are now for, for
maybe the first time pursuing love
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:because you want to, because you
desire a certain kind of partnership,
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:not because you feel you need to, to
look good to the outside world or to
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:produce a family or to share a family.
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:You know, household or financial
responsibilities and all of that,
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:hopefully, is now out of the way.
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:So, Don't Rush is my first,
uh, my first bit of coaching.
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:When I say do the work, the first
part of the work I mean is going
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:into your history to understand it.
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:Nobody wants to do this.
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:Nobody wants to do this.
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:Okay, but what this means is studying your
past choices, and I have a very specific
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:specific rubric I take my clients through
to study their past choices in a way that
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:makes it crystal clear what the pattern
is, what the sellout has been, where
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:they sell out, how they sell out, the
flavor, the smells, the type, all of that.
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:And I know people kind of think they know.
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:But I have found it's quite remarkable
how much people have not analyzed the
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:data in a systematic approach so that they
walk out like, I'm not doing that again.
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:Now, unfortunately, you gotta
do even one step further is you
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:have to go back to your parents
mistakes and their parents mistakes.
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:You have to go back in the lineage
and your aunts and your uncles and
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:understand what is it that your beautiful,
specific, I think, spiritually intended
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:lineage has offered you as your,
you know, Opportunity for evolution.
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:Let's put it that way.
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:What has your lineage offered you
as your opportunity for evolution?
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:So between what your lineage has
offered you, your, your, your family,
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:your genetics, and your epigenetics,
and what you have to this point today
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:experienced in your actual personal
life, those two things combined to give
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:you some really important learnings.
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:Some really important learning, some
really important lessons, some really
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:important guideposts that then we
turn into the new law in the town.
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:Okay.
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:that is like the very first bit
of the preparation to date, I
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:call it date like you mean it.
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:I saw that on your
website and I love that.
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:And I just want to mention You
do have a webinar coming up
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:for people who are interested.
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:And I think is it three secrets to
finding and maintaining healthy love
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:without repeated disappointments?
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:You got it.
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:Beautiful.
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:Yes.
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:Yeah.
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:So, I mean, if people want to dig
in, that's a great place to start.
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:It's free.
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:Chock full of information about
how to, you know, just what I
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:just talked about, how to not
sell, how to not sell out, right?
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:How to pick differently, how to change
your type, how, what are sort of the
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:basic ways to think about dating?
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:Cause then the next step is now you
have to figure out what you want, which
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:I'm sorry, but if you haven't been
happy in your relationships, what you
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:thought you wanted, isn't what you want.
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:So you're going to have to be
willing to change your mind.
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:I used to think I wanted to eat bagels
and cookies at every meal because there
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:was a part of me that wanted that.
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:Right.
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:But it was not the whole of me, what this
methodology, and we call it the three
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:H's method, head, heart, and hoo ha.
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:What this methodology is teaching you
to do is to listen to the whole of you.
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:Not just one aspect, two aspects of you.
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:It turns out the whole of me likes fresh
food from nature that is beautifully
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:prepared and excellently prepared.
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:That's what the whole of me wants.
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:Right.
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:And the analogy from food to.
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:Picking a lover is very good.
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:It's a very strong correlation between no,
I want my Snickers bar or I want my donut
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:and no, I want my beautiful, gorgeous
multicolored salad with protein, right?
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:They're really, it's a good analogy.
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:So, that's the next step of preparation
is to really articulate what you want
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:from the heart and the head and the
hoo ha not just whichever age has
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:been leading the day up until now.
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:Right.
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:Okay.
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:So we're getting the steps here.
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:Don't rush, which I can totally jump into.
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:And I'm hearing so much, and I'm
thinking of core wounds when you
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:talk about going to your history.
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:This is something new to me, Lori.
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:I mean, I just, Ooh, I'm
trying to do it a little bit.
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:Little work on that just in life.
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:And so what you're telling me, and this
is what I thought of when you talked
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:about food and the relation to how you
pick what kind of food you want to eat.
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:This, this, what you're doing
can apply to a lot of different
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:things, not just dating.
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:And so I love that.
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:The three H's I have asked my clients
to use it in regards to hiring,
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:Picking friendships.
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:Shopping for clothing,
shopping for a new home.
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:Love is incredible.
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:Even looking for a job, right?
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:It's incredibly or career.
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:It's an incredibly applicable concept
because again, most of us are not raised
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:to believe you can have all three, right?
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:Isn't part of the culture.
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:It's, it's actually more
part of the culture is you
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:sacrifice one for the other.
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:If you want it to be really hot,
it's not going to be practical.
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:If you want it to be practical,
it's not going to be practical.
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:It's not going to be hot.
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:If you want to trust the person,
it's definitely not going to be hot.
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:So we're not even looking.
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:And it's, unfortunately, if
we don't believe in something,
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:we're not going to find it.
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:Right.
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:Well, and Laurie, I can't help but think
too, that I have been a woman who is now
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:just learning to discover what I like.
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:And so I imagine some of the listeners
could be thinking, well, I don't
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:even, how do I even really know?
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:Right.
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:I mean, like what am I attracted to?
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:I don't know.
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:Right.
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:And I actually think that's healthier
than thinking, you know, for sure.
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:Because a lot of people who
think they know for sure
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:they do come and report back.
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:Oh no, I ended up with someone I really
liked that wasn't quote unquote my type.
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:So I actually think not knowing
is an elegant place to be.
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:And then there's a couple of
things you can do about that.
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:One is experiment.
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:Okay.
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:What I mean by experiment is I don't
recommend if you've just gotten out
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:of a long term relationship or you've
just been celibate for a really long
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:time, I don't recommend you go for long
term monogamy right out of the gate.
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:Most, a lot of women can't actually
do a bunch of people at the same time,
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:but I really would recommend trying.
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:Right.
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:Trying to date, trying to see a lot of
different people, even if you have to do
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:them in succession, not at once, because
you really do learn a lot by doing that.
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:You can't learn by thinking about
it or looking at pictures or asking
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:your friends there, it is, there's
an experiential quality to it.
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:That's very personal.
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:The other thing is when you do
the inventory of your past loves,
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:what you're going to find is
that there were things you liked.
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:And that you always liked.
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:You always liked a sense of adventure.
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:You always liked being listened to.
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:You always liked this thing in bed.
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:You always liked, you know, a certain kind
of sense of humor or something like that.
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:Right.
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:So there are some clues from your history.
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:It's not all bad news in your history
of what you like in your history.
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:There's some things you're
going to learn by experience.
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:And I'll give you one more tip, which is
brainstorm all the things you think you
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:want, and then really ask yourself, where
did I get the idea that I wanted that?
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:Like, where did I get the idea?
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:Because I long, long had the idea.
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:I wanted blonde hair and blue eyed.
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:And then I was like, where
did you get that Laurie?
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:And it wasn't a good answer, right?
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:Like, it was not a answer.
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:It was like, do I want to keep having the
same influence as I had when I was 12?
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:No, in this case, no.
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:So where did that come from that
I want this and why do I want it?
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:Because a lot of the times when
I ask a woman why they say they
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:want the thing they want, I get
a much better answer than that.
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:First, you know, they say tall or
they say wealthy, or they say college
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:graduate, or they say whatever.
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:And it's not true that
that's what they want.
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:What's true is that they want.
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:something more essential than that.
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:They want to feel safe, they want to feel
seen, they want to feel attracted, they
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:want to feel equally met intellectually.
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:Those are much better things to
essentialize to in what you're
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:looking for than what your brain
will come up with right off the bat.
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:So I don't know what's a great start.
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:And those are my three tips for
coming to know yourself better.
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:Right.
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:Okay.
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:And so just like digging into
a little deeper into where
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:did that thought come from?
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:What's the belief behind that?
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:Is that even just, where did it come from?
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:Like, where did it come from?
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:People think they have to date
in their religion, for example.
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:And if that's really true for you, Great.
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:But if it's not really true for
you, just saying what your parents
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:said, or even that you have to
date a certain gender, right?
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:Like who said, are you sure?
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:Because a large percentage of people
should not be sure, but because
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:we're programmed and we think we
know and, or our parents told us, or
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:we're scared of the repercussions.
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:We go along with something that we
didn't actually choose for ourselves.
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:So we just asking people to re
question, where did that come from?
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:And do I still believe in that thing?
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:Yeah, I still do.
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:I still believe in that.
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:Do we still want that?
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:Yep.
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:And what I love about what you're
saying, because this is another new
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:thing I'm learning is to not rush.
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:You said don't rush first.
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:I mean, that is allowing yourself to
experiment, allowing yourself to take the
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:time to really look at, finding someone
that's really going to be a match so
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:that this is all making good sense to me.
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:I love it.
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:Okay.
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:So after they're kind of brainstorming
what they want, how do they start?
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:Dating like they mean it.
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:So then the next step is to talk
about, to think about and talk
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:about what you have to offer.
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:And I really, cause we talk and
think a lot about what we want.
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:Now we have to go, okay, what are
we offering in return for that?
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:So I have a whole conversation
about assets and liabilities.
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:What's great about me in head,
heart and who I want to be.
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:I want my clients to be very
clear on what they have to offer.
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:And if they're not excited about what
they have to offer, then we need to take
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:a little side road and get you to where
you're proud of what you have to offer.
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:If you don't think you're a good
communicator, if you don't think you
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:can do fun things in bed, if you don't
think that you can care about another
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:person's experience, if you don't
like you're too depleted, for example,
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:then you need to take the time to get
yourself resourced before you want to
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:go out and attract who you're going
to attract at that vibrational level.
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:So that's number one.
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:the other thing that people avoid
doing, but it's so important is
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:really understanding and owning
your personal liabilities.
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:And I want you to hear
that in a particular way.
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:Liabilities are not
necessarily liabilities.
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:I'm putting liabilities in quotes, okay?
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:So a liability could be a health issue.
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:I mean, people with herpes
are forever ashamed, right?
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:like, they can barely even date, right?
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:Like it's tragic, how much a certain
kind of health issue can take someone
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:out of the game entirely because
it feels like such a liability.
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:For the right partner, it could be the
opposite of a liability, just so you know.
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:Other liabilities are things I
have to care for a dependent.
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:I don't have a lot of money.
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:I don't have a lot of
geographical flexibility.
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:I have seven cats.
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:I have a dog.
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:And then there are personality traits.
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:I tend towards being selfish.
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:I'm sloppy.
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:I'm messy.
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:I'm argumentative.
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:I'm judgmental.
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:People want to just pretend they have none
and avoid that conversation in dating.
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:I recommend you go into dating being
very clear about your liabilities
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:and already having your, the ways
in which you talk about it, right?
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:My clients need to figure out how they're
going to talk about their health issues,
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:figure out how they're going to talk
about their kids, figure out how they're
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:going to talk about the fact maybe they're
still married, figured out how they're
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:going to talk about their ex and how the
ex shows up in their life, figure out
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:how they're going to talk about their
personality traits that are tricky.
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:I mean, and Anand, I can give you a list
of like the top 20 most common topics,
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:but I can assure you if you're listening
right now, you have seven ish, and you
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:need to learn how to talk about them, and
then you need to learn how to elicit the
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:other person talking about theirs, too,
to see do we have liability compatibility?
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:And then we work on a profile and pictures
and then I teach you canned responses
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:for how you can move things along online
if you're dating online And then we talk
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:about how to have difficult conversations
so that you can keep bringing up things as
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:you go and establish a baseline of honesty
in the relationship that's the summary.
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:All right.
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:I love that.
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:Okay That's so good and so helpful.
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:And I feel like this information could
be so helpful to young people as well.
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:Because when you're talking about, talk
about your liabilities, when I think back
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:to, you know, 35 years ago, when I started
dating my husband, well, I just was
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:like, Trying to make myself look perfect.
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:Yeah.
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:Oh a lot of good that does me right that
doesn't mean no good because How long do
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:you think you can hold in your stomach?
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:Like how long do you think?
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:Good for you.
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:Exactly.
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:Exactly So I I feel like Laurie this could
be something that if people date, right?
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:I think the divorce rate
would go down for sure.
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:I mean, we get married
for so many bad reasons.
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:And you know, what's so interesting
is that I talked to a lot of people
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:who are divorcing and divorced and
most of them say they knew they
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:actually knew when they got married.
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:They knew before they
walked down the aisle.
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:They knew when they were
walking down the aisle.
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:They knew shortly after they walked down
the aisle, the thing that eventually
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:broke them up was not a surprise, which
tells you that we make a choice, right?
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:We make a choice to let something
slide and step over something in
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:honor of something else we're chasing.
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:And I'm not saying you don't have to
negotiate or compromise in relationships,
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:but unfortunately, you know, a majority of
people compromise too much and ultimately
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:they cannot sustain that sacrifice.
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:Right.
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:Well, I love that you're
changing the world and let's
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:get that divorce rate down.
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:I feel like I don't want to say I got
lucky or I was blessed or whatever
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:it is to still be in the marriage
that I'm in because I didn't do this.
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:You know, all this and, and it would
have been so much better if I did.
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:And as you're talking, I can see friends
who did end up divorced and had they gone
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:through this list of, well, knowing for
one, knowing what you want, knowing your
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:liabilities, It can help you in dating.
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:It can help you in business.
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:It can help you in everything.
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:So I appreciate you being here, Laurie.
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:And I'm looking at the time and it's
ticking away, but what I want my listeners
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:to know is that if you love listening
to Laurie jump on saddle up live because
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:Laurie and I are going to be talking
about dating your spouse, which I really
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:need help on because I've let that slide.
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:Sign up for that web, that webinar.
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:It's going to be in the show notes.
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:Lori, do you want to let people
know where they can find you?
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:Sure.
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:Yeah.
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:The best place to find me is Lori Gerber.
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:com, which is L A U R I E G E R B E R.
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:com.
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:And if you add the slash webinar, you will
see the free webinar available to you.
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:If that's the direction you want to
go, or you can just look around on
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:the website and see what you like.
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:Wonderful.
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:Thanks so much for being here.