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Published on:

19th Dec 2023

Should I Stay or Should I Go; 'The D Word' Author Kate Anthony

How do you know when it’s time to divorce? That’s a question I often receive from clients, so I decided to bring on Divorce Coach and Author, Kate Anthony to help answer this question. During this encore episode, we discuss what to look at when you are considering divorce and how to determine if divorce is the right decision for you. We also talk about why many women are unhappy in their marriages, and if that is a reflection of the marriage itself or the life that they are living. We ended the episode with a discussion around how to know if you are in a relationship with a narcissist and if the diagnosis even really matters. Kate is someone that I’ve looked up to for a long time, I love her podcast and I’ve even taken some of her courses to help me with mediation. She is such a joy to learn from, I can’t wait for you to tune in. 

In this episode:

  • [4:20] Kate shares what led her to do the work that she’s doing now. 
  • [8:18] What are the first things to look at when thinking about getting a divorce? 
  • [11:25] Why do women get unhappy in their marriage?
  • [18:25] Kate gives her insight on when people are married and there is nothing wrong with their marriage, but that they have fallen out of love. 
  • [23:22] How to know if your spouse is a narcissist and what to do about it.
  • [28:24] Kate offers a piece of advice for helping women reach the decision if they are truly wanting a divorce or not. 


Key Takeaways: 

  • [11:33] Women are so over stretched with everything that they have on their plates and are carrying an unequal load compared to their husbands. Society has women working, paying the bills, keeping up the house, being the main caregiver for the children, and managing everything that comes with those tasks such as doctor appointments, extracurricular activities, presents for special occasions, etc. Then they also have to be the ones to care for their husband and understand his flaws and balance those out as well. 
  • [16:34] There has been a study done that shows the happiest people in Western culture are married men. The second happiest are single women, the third happiest are single men. Married women are the least happy people in Western culture. 
  • [21:57] A loving relationship is when both spouses feed the health, safety, and sanctity of the relationship. When both people are willing to put in the work to help the other be fulfilled and find happiness, while also doing the work on themselves, the marriage is a happier place to be.


Quotes: 

[11:33] “Women are unhappy in their marriages because marriage, the institution as we understand it or as we live it today, benefits men on the backs of women and our labor, whether it's domestic labor, emotional labor, we're carrying an absolutely unequal load.” - Kate Anthony

[13:22] We spend so much time going, ‘but he had a really hard childhood and I understand why he is the way that he is and it's really hard for him.’ And okay, I can understand the way that he is and have compassion, great compassion. But I'm not going to have more compassion for his childhood wounding than I am for how he's dumping that on me.” - Kate Anthony

[16:10] “Feminism means that you believe that women have equal rights to men and should have them under the law and in our culture and in relationships. Like that's, this is not a bad word unless you're in a relationship or a system that very, very, very much depends upon us not having that equality, which most relationships do.” - Kate Anthony


Guest Bio: 

Kate Anthony is the author of The D Word: Making the Ultimate Decision About Your Marriage, host of the critically acclaimed and New York Times recommended podcast The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast and the creator of the groundbreaking online coaching program, Should I Stay or Should I Go? which helps women make the most difficult decision of their lives using coaching tools, relationship education, geeky neuroscience, community support, and deep self-work. Kate is certified as a Domestic Violence Advocate, a Co-Parenting Specialist, and a High Conflict Divorce Coach.


Resources: 

Kate Anthony's Website

The D Word Book 

The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast

The Divorce Survival Guide Instagram

Lesa Koski Website

Lesa’s Online Courses

Lesa’s Masterclass

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I am so honored to introduce my FREE Co-Parenting Masterclass. This masterclass shares tools to co-parent well even with a difficult co-parent. You will learn the 5 C's of a Co-Parenting Plan and a free bonus resource with Certified Divorce Lending Specialist, Tami Wollensak, sharing what you want to consider regarding the family home. Sign up to receive a video replay at https://www.lesakoski.com/co-parenting-masterclass

Mentioned in this episode:

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About the Podcast

Doing Divorce Different A Podcast Guide to Doing Divorce Differently
Divorce, co-parenting, menopause, marriage, and starting over after 40—Doing Divorce Different is your guide to a healthy, faith filled life transition.

Hosted by Family Law Attorney and Mediator Lesa Koski, Doing Divorce Different is a candid, empowering podcast designed to take the fear out of divorce and guide you toward peace—whether you’re navigating a split, working to stay married, or rebuilding a better life after a major transition. Each week, Lesa brings heart-centered legal insight, emotional support, and holistic wisdom to help you heal, grow, and thrive.

We cover everything from amicable divorce and co-parenting strategies to parenting plans that actually work and support kids in thriving through change. You’ll learn how to prepare for marriage with prenups, revisit your relationship with post-nuptial agreements, and understand what it really takes to stay married or rekindle love after a rough season. If you're in the midst of a grey divorce, wondering how to not get divorced, or questioning whether love can be found again, this show is for you.

Lesa also explores the emotional and physical changes that often accompany midlife and major life shifts. From navigating the impact of menopause on your health, marriage, and mood, to dealing with the loneliness that can come after divorce or empty nesting, you’ll find honest conversations that don’t shy away from real-life challenges. And for those of you in your 40s, 50s, or beyond, you’ll discover what it means to truly build a better life after 40.

Health and wellness are deeply integrated into this journey. Lesa shares insights on the benefits of rest, joy, nutrition, fasting, protein, and bone health, along with the power of movement, community, and exercise to support mental clarity and physical strength. You’ll learn how to take care of yourself with intention—because healing isn’t just emotional, it’s also biological.

Mindset work and self-coaching are recurring tools offered in episodes to help you reframe your story and shift from fear to freedom. And through it all, the show honors the role of faith, spiritual surrender, and letting God lead you through every season. Whether you're leaning into your relationship with God for the first time or deepening a lifelong practice, you’ll hear how surrender can bring peace even in the hardest moments.

You’ll hear real stories from people who have done divorce differently, saved their marriages, or found new love and purpose on the other side. Lesa also brings in conversations about marriages that have stood the test of time, co-parenting through complex seasons, and the realities of parenting after separation while maintaining stability for your kids.

This is not just a podcast about divorce. Doing Divorce Different is about taking back your life, rewriting your future, and trusting that you’re not starting over, you’re starting better. If you’re craving practical advice, soul-level encouragement, and real conversations about creating a healthy, joyful, purpose-driven life, you’ve found your community.

Subscribe now and join Lesa Koski for weekly episodes that will help you grow stronger in your relationships, your health, and your faith, no matter where you’re starting from.

About the Host:
I’ve spent over 25 years helping families navigate amicable divorce as a lawyer and mediator, always focused on protecting what matters most—your kids and your peace of mind. But my mission has expanded. Today, I support women over 40 not just through endings, but in building stronger relationships—and sometimes even saving their marriages. I’m a breast cancer survivor, a cowgirl at heart, a wellness advocate, and a follower of Jesus. My life and faith fuel my passion for helping women thrive.

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Lesa Koski