Finding Healing After Abuse with Author Andi Bull | When Your Protectors Didn’t

: 00:00:01

Hello friends.

2

: 00:00:02

I had to get in here and

introduce this podcast episode.

3

: 00:00:08

I think this might be one of my favorites.

4

: 00:00:11

It's so good.

5

: 00:00:13

It's for every woman.

6

: 00:00:16

And so is the book that was written by

the author, who is my guest, Andy Bull.

7

: 00:00:23

And the book is When Your

Protectors Didn't Protect.

8

: 00:00:27

This is a two part series.

9

: 00:00:29

So I broke our conversation in half

because I lost track of time and

10

: 00:00:36

forgot that I was interviewing her.

11

: 00:00:39

Her book was one that I couldn't put down

that I, I read in like one, one sitting,

12

: 00:00:46

and I don't do that very often anymore.

13

: 00:00:49

And it is about abuse.

14

: 00:00:51

She was abused as a child,

but this is the thing.

15

: 00:00:56

Even if you weren't abused, you

are going to learn numerous lessons

16

: 00:01:03

and you're gonna be able to relate.

17

: 00:01:06

It was, this book was life-changing

for me and it helped me see

18

: 00:01:10

stories in the Bible clearer.

19

: 00:01:13

So this first part is so good.

20

: 00:01:16

You get to know her a little bit.

21

: 00:01:18

You get to know me a little bit

better, and I talk about, um, how.

22

: 00:01:24

I wasn't abused, but I had this idea that

I had to be perfect to be loved, and so

23

: 00:01:30

I had a lot of the same feelings she did.

24

: 00:01:33

We talk about how eye-opening it is

when you realize that what you are going

25

: 00:01:41

through isn't actually normal and you've

always normalized it your whole life.

26

: 00:01:47

Um, so it's an amazing story.

27

: 00:01:50

I just, I'm telling you, you

gotta go pick up her book.

28

: 00:01:54

Enjoy this podcast and tune in next

week 'cause I've got the second half

29

: 00:01:59

and you're gonna love that one too.

30

: 00:02:01

I'm so glad you're here.

31

: 00:02:03

I.

32

: 00:02:06

Speaker: Welcome listeners.

33

: 00:02:07

I am so thankful to have you here today.

34

: 00:02:11

Thank you.

35

: 00:02:11

And it's just gonna be such

a treat because I've got kind

36

: 00:02:15

of a new friend that I met.

37

: 00:02:17

It's Andy Bull, she's an author and I

told her I read her book and could not put

38

: 00:02:24

it down, and it's been a long time since

that's happened to me a really long time.

39

: 00:02:29

Usually I get distracted

or I'm not interested in.

40

: 00:02:32

It was so good and we're gonna let Andy.

41

: 00:02:35

Tell her story a little, little

bit, but just so you know, this

42

: 00:02:39

book will be in my show notes.

43

: 00:02:41

It's called When Your Protectors

Didn't Protect, and Andy, I gotta

44

: 00:02:46

tell you guys too, I'm a little jelly

because we went to Bob Goff and we

45

: 00:02:51

got some assistance with writing.

46

: 00:02:53

I'm like in the beginning stages, and

I see Andy's got a book out already.

47

: 00:02:58

I'm like, what?

48

: 00:02:59

How did you do that?

49

: 00:03:01

So

50

: 00:03:01

Speaker 2: welcome

51

: 00:03:02

Speaker: Andy.

52

: 00:03:03

Speaker 2: Thank you for being here.

53

: 00:03:04

Oh, Lisa, you're such a joy.

54

: 00:03:07

It's just.

55

: 00:03:07

It's just my, my pleasure.

56

: 00:03:09

I mean, we connected, I think we had a

heart connection the minute I sat down.

57

: 00:03:13

Yeah.

58

: 00:03:13

Near you and your husband on the couch.

59

: 00:03:15

And to be fair to you, I had

already written my book, I think,

60

: 00:03:19

did I ever mention that to you?

61

: 00:03:21

I've written my book right

before the conference.

62

: 00:03:24

I finished it, I put the final touches

on it and it, the conference was actually

63

: 00:03:30

the carrot to get me to finish my book.

64

: 00:03:33

I needed the last, um, push to get

that work done because, you know,

65

: 00:03:38

as a writer you sometimes, you know,

it's self-imposed and, um, so you

66

: 00:03:45

have to have forge the discipline to

sit and sometimes a reward is needed.

67

: 00:03:50

And so I thought, well, I'm gonna

give myself this conference.

68

: 00:03:53

It's gonna be my gift.

69

: 00:03:55

And that's what got me there.

70

: 00:03:56

So.

71

: 00:03:57

That's how the book

came about at that time.

72

: 00:04:00

Speaker: I love it.

73

: 00:04:00

And it's so well written.

74

: 00:04:02

And I came thank you to the, to Bob's with

the idea of what my book was gonna be.

75

: 00:04:09

Yeah.

76

: 00:04:09

And then I went there and I went,

wow, that would've been really bad.

77

: 00:04:14

So glad that I got a little

bit of direction and how to

78

: 00:04:18

make it a little more personal.

79

: 00:04:20

But it is, it's a lot of work.

80

: 00:04:22

And I keep talking to Bob 'cause

mine's a ways off and I'm, you

81

: 00:04:26

know, putting timelines because I

don't have all day to work on it.

82

: 00:04:30

And I don't know if I could.

83

: 00:04:32

No, but Andy, I'm, I'm gonna be

honest with you, your book is so good.

84

: 00:04:36

And that when I read it, I had

a little bit of that imposs,

85

: 00:04:40

like, I'm like, I can't do this.

86

: 00:04:42

Oh.

87

: 00:04:42

Like, I, I can't write, like I

can't write, you know, I started

88

: 00:04:45

doing that, but it's okay 'cause

I'm a daughter of the king.

89

: 00:04:48

So however he wants to use this

book, if it's just to heal me, if

90

: 00:04:52

it's to heal others, whatever it is.

91

: 00:04:54

I can't wait to put it out there.

92

: 00:04:57

Oh.

93

: 00:04:57

But what I want you to know about your

book, and I wanna get into your story

94

: 00:05:01

'cause it's, I know it's interesting.

95

: 00:05:03

I want you to share whatever

you're comfortable sharing.

96

: 00:05:05

Okay.

97

: 00:05:05

But your book is kind of about

situations where maybe you've

98

: 00:05:12

been abused, maybe you've had, but

this is what I want you to know.

99

: 00:05:17

There are some of us out there

who had the same effects.

100

: 00:05:23

Now I have like, good

relationships with my parents.

101

: 00:05:26

Mm-hmm.

102

: 00:05:26

Now, and I, I know that they want

it to do what was best for me.

103

: 00:05:31

Right.

104

: 00:05:31

And so I, I can give them a lot

of grace and, and as a parent,

105

: 00:05:36

I want my kids to read this.

106

: 00:05:38

You know what I mean though?

107

: 00:05:39

Because Yeah.

108

: 00:05:40

Even if we want to do it mm-hmm.

109

: 00:05:44

The God way, the better

way things fall through.

110

: 00:05:46

And I think my parents were

so concerned about how I was

111

: 00:05:50

gonna turn out that they just.

112

: 00:05:54

You know, probably kept trying to have

high standards and I fell into this.

113

: 00:05:58

People pleasing.

114

: 00:05:59

Oh, when I read your book, I was

like, oh, it was so healing for

115

: 00:06:06

me and Andy, you have such a gift.

116

: 00:06:09

I just have to talk about this one story.

117

: 00:06:12

You have a gift with bringing up

biblical stories that I could see.

118

: 00:06:18

You know, like that story about

the father who had two sons.

119

: 00:06:22

Speaker 3: Yeah.

120

: 00:06:22

Speaker: And the one took off

with all his money and Woo.

121

: 00:06:25

Had fun.

122

: 00:06:26

The other one stayed there and worked.

123

: 00:06:28

I always had a hard time with that

story because I was always like,

124

: 00:06:31

well, the guy that was there the

whole time, 'cause that's me.

125

: 00:06:34

I am the son.

126

: 00:06:36

No one's ever explained

that son to me before.

127

: 00:06:38

Speaker 2: Working your way into

relationship with the father, earning

128

: 00:06:42

his pleasure, doing all the right

things and missing the main thing.

129

: 00:06:46

Speaker: Yeah.

130

: 00:06:47

Yes.

131

: 00:06:47

Yes.

132

: 00:06:48

But when you told the story,

you looked at both sides.

133

: 00:06:52

Yeah.

134

: 00:06:52

And you talked about how the father

humbled himself to that son who had

135

: 00:06:55

stayed there as well and came to him

and was understanding and loving.

136

: 00:07:01

That's, and I missed that.

137

: 00:07:03

I missed that all along.

138

: 00:07:05

And so that was eyeopening, but that

wasn't the only place that was eyeopening.

139

: 00:07:10

Oh.

140

: 00:07:10

So I'm just like, this

is the best book ever.

141

: 00:07:14

And the, the stories,

your story's amazing.

142

: 00:07:18

Oh,

143

: 00:07:18

Speaker 2: thank you.

144

: 00:07:19

Well, can I backtrack a little bit?

145

: 00:07:21

Yes.

146

: 00:07:24

I, I would like to backtrack to

what you said about the imposter

147

: 00:07:27

syndrome and your, and your story.

148

: 00:07:29

And I wanna tell you that with

every stroke of the keyboard,

149

: 00:07:33

I had to fight that myself.

150

: 00:07:35

I, I've been a speaker, um, God

called me when I was eight years old.

151

: 00:07:40

I wasn't even a Christian yet.

152

: 00:07:41

I was 10 years old when I became a

believer, when Jesus came and got me and

153

: 00:07:46

until Jesus came and got me, I hadn't

had a friend and I hadn't felt love.

154

: 00:07:51

But at eight years old, I was

sitting on the bar stool of Peter's

155

: 00:07:55

pancake house in South Africa where

I was raised, and God came in.

156

: 00:08:00

He said, I've called you to heal.

157

: 00:08:03

And I saw this picture of bright

lights in my face, and even at

158

: 00:08:09

eight years old, I knew people were

behind those lights, but I had never

159

: 00:08:13

seen anything like that before.

160

: 00:08:14

My dad was a pastor.

161

: 00:08:15

I talk about that in the book and,

um, behind those lights, knowing

162

: 00:08:21

that there were people there, but not

understanding what that calling was.

163

: 00:08:26

So.

164

: 00:08:27

You know, we just try to follow Jesus the

best that we can and try to become better

165

: 00:08:31

versions of ourselves through our lives.

166

: 00:08:33

And I talk about that in the book as

well, empowering ourselves to become

167

: 00:08:37

these better versions of ourselves.

168

: 00:08:39

Um, but, um, so funny, so much I

wanna say to you about what you said,

169

: 00:08:46

but I think really in that moment I

understood my Colleen was speaking,

170

: 00:08:50

but I never, ever felt it was writing.

171

: 00:08:53

I enjoyed scribbling poems and writing

little stories when I was younger.

172

: 00:08:57

That's the extent of it.

173

: 00:08:59

A gentleman la named, uh, Larry

Titus from Kingdom Global Ministries.

174

: 00:09:04

He's, um, he's got this aesthetic

or understanding that God.

175

: 00:09:09

God never said, we are

to build the church.

176

: 00:09:11

We're to build the kingdom.

177

: 00:09:13

The church is Jesus.

178

: 00:09:14

To build, we are to be kingdom builders.

179

: 00:09:17

That allows us to put our focus

on people and care about the

180

: 00:09:21

things that God cares about.

181

: 00:09:23

And then, you know, even in the Book of

Acts, it said any added to their number

182

: 00:09:27

daily because they were, these people were

so full of love and gracious and kind.

183

: 00:09:31

You couldn't help but

be attracted to that.

184

: 00:09:34

So anyway, um, he asked me to work with

him on a couple of books that he was

185

: 00:09:39

writing, so I helped him co-author those.

186

: 00:09:42

And it kind of gave me sea

legs, so to speak, for writing.

187

: 00:09:47

One day in the midst of taking

a break between chapters for him

188

: 00:09:50

to see what we'd been working on.

189

: 00:09:53

The first story in my book poured

out about my dad repenting to me

190

: 00:09:57

on his deathbed for abusing me.

191

: 00:10:01

And I thought, what is this?

192

: 00:10:03

What is this?

193

: 00:10:07

And I thought, could I,

could I take it from here?

194

: 00:10:09

And so I began to write and I got

a lot of words, you know, there's a

195

: 00:10:15

lot of focus and pressure on writers.

196

: 00:10:17

You've gotta have this many

words, that many words.

197

: 00:10:20

But I had a lot of words and I

felt God interrupt my writing.

198

: 00:10:25

I was about 80% done with a book.

199

: 00:10:27

He said, it's too theological, he said,

and then he showed me a picture of a

200

: 00:10:34

woman in a coffee shop reading my book.

201

: 00:10:38

And I didn't know what that meant.

202

: 00:10:40

And I was frustrated.

203

: 00:10:41

Did she look

204

: 00:10:41

Speaker: like me, Andy?

205

: 00:10:44

Speaker 2: Well, she

was as beautiful as you.

206

: 00:10:47

And so she, she was reading

my book, but she was getting

207

: 00:10:51

through it in one in one sitting.

208

: 00:10:54

And the, and the Lord said to

me, I want women to be able

209

: 00:10:57

to plow through this book.

210

: 00:10:59

And I thought, well,

this book is not plow.

211

: 00:11:02

It's not, I have chills.

212

: 00:11:04

I have chills.

213

: 00:11:04

Me.

214

: 00:11:04

Me too.

215

: 00:11:05

And that's weird because

it's like my story, but

216

: 00:11:10

so I thought, what is that?

217

: 00:11:12

So it was kind of cranky, you know,

kinda get cranky with God sometimes.

218

: 00:11:15

And I like, darn it, you couldn't

have told me this when I was,

219

: 00:11:18

you know, 20% into the book.

220

: 00:11:20

But what he had done was he had

given me a lot of content and I came

221

: 00:11:23

home and I sat with that word and

I thought, what do I do with this?

222

: 00:11:28

And a friend told me, she said, Andy,

you're all about just sitting with

223

: 00:11:30

women one-on-one in coffee shops.

224

: 00:11:33

Yes, I like to speak and I felt

comfortable doing that, but God had

225

: 00:11:36

called me away from the stage during

this time completely addressing

226

: 00:11:41

areas of identity that I might've

gotten from speaking or whatever.

227

: 00:11:44

You know, I'd felt like,

okay, this is my identity.

228

: 00:11:47

I pulled away all of that stuff

during these years that he had

229

: 00:11:50

me silent and um, asked me to

write was very humbling journey.

230

: 00:11:55

And I did fight imposter

syndrome the whole way through.

231

: 00:11:58

Finally, I realized I do sit with women.

232

: 00:12:02

And have coffee with them on

almost on the daily sometimes.

233

: 00:12:06

And I just wanna talk to them like

you're talking to me on this podcast.

234

: 00:12:11

Yeah.

235

: 00:12:11

Just authentically real, like a big

sister, like a mom, like an aunt.

236

: 00:12:17

Just be somebody they

can trust in the pages.

237

: 00:12:20

Once I got that, I went back,

I stripped everything out.

238

: 00:12:24

The book's not like super long.

239

: 00:12:27

Um, but it is congruent.

240

: 00:12:30

And so I just wanna encourage you that

your book is gonna be all that and

241

: 00:12:35

more because of who you are already.

242

: 00:12:39

It's gonna come out through your words.

243

: 00:12:41

Speaker: Thank you.

244

: 00:12:42

I appreciate that.

245

: 00:12:43

And I think I could get teary eyed.

246

: 00:12:46

I think the thing that is pulling me

through this that I've never had before in

247

: 00:12:51

my life and I always, you know, like you

talk about you met Jesus on that stool.

248

: 00:12:57

I don't know, I kinda always felt that.

249

: 00:13:00

I don't even really

remember when I didn't.

250

: 00:13:02

I was so alone, but I always felt him.

251

: 00:13:05

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.

252

: 00:13:05

But I

253

: 00:13:05

Speaker: don't think I got surrendering

to him until I went through my

254

: 00:13:11

heart, you know, my heart stage

one catch of that breast cancer,

255

: 00:13:15

which was miraculous but scary.

256

: 00:13:18

Yeah.

257

: 00:13:18

And that was when I surrendered

to him and then I go, Hey, I might

258

: 00:13:25

not be able to write this book,

but I'm a daughter of the king.

259

: 00:13:29

That's right.

260

: 00:13:30

And that is the thought that is

pulling me through that I need to

261

: 00:13:33

keep going back to, yeah, he can use

this for whatever purpose he wants.

262

: 00:13:40

And I'm good with that.

263

: 00:13:41

I'm just good with that, you know?

264

: 00:13:45

And I'm not kidding.

265

: 00:13:45

Like even if it's just meeting

great people and healing, I'm good.

266

: 00:13:49

Speaker 2: Yes.

267

: 00:13:50

Yeah, that's what I asked Jesus.

268

: 00:13:52

I said, listen, I may not be the

best writer, but what I do know

269

: 00:13:55

is I can give this to you and ask

this to be my passport, to take

270

: 00:13:59

me to the woman who needs the hug.

271

: 00:14:01

Yeah.

272

: 00:14:02

Who needs to be seen.

273

: 00:14:04

Yeah.

274

: 00:14:04

And the whole book is about that

God sees you, you know, in those

275

: 00:14:10

moments of despair that you talked

about with being a survivor of breast

276

: 00:14:14

cancer and these hard, hard things.

277

: 00:14:17

You know, we think, uh, you know, a

lot of times there's this misnomer

278

: 00:14:22

that once we become a believer, you

know, that life just gets better.

279

: 00:14:27

What I always think about

is now it, it stays.

280

: 00:14:30

It's hard all the way through.

281

: 00:14:33

It's hard.

282

: 00:14:34

But we have this, um.

283

: 00:14:38

A beautiful creator and friend who's

with us, his name Emmanuel, God with us.

284

: 00:14:45

He wants to be present with us and

help us to get through that hard.

285

: 00:14:49

And when I met him at, um, at, in

a remarkable experience, uh, I was

286

: 00:14:56

10 years old and I was sitting in

this youth group and I was there.

287

: 00:15:00

I didn't wanna be there.

288

: 00:15:01

Um, but as the preacher's kid, you

know, we showed up to everything.

289

: 00:15:05

And, uh, this woman who was a famous South

African actress, was giving her testimony.

290

: 00:15:11

She didn't say anything theological.

291

: 00:15:13

She just said, Jesus can be your friend.

292

: 00:15:14

And honestly, Lisa, in that moment,

she disappeared and I saw Jesus.

293

: 00:15:20

And I just ran up to him and I said,

I wanna, I wanna be a Christian.

294

: 00:15:28

And it was March 5th, 1976.

295

: 00:15:31

I love that.

296

: 00:15:32

Nearly What?

297

: 00:15:33

That's 50 years next year.

298

: 00:15:35

Speaker 3: Wow.

299

: 00:15:35

Speaker 2: And I didn't walk my journey

out perfectly because I've been abused.

300

: 00:15:40

I developed a lot of very

poor coping mechanisms.

301

: 00:15:44

Speaker 3: Mm-hmm.

302

: 00:15:44

Speaker 2: I didn't understand that

my body was my own and that I could

303

: 00:15:49

have boundaries around myself.

304

: 00:15:52

I didn't understand about boundaries.

305

: 00:15:54

I was extremely codependent.

306

: 00:15:55

I grew up with something that you

referenced, which was this dreadful

307

: 00:15:59

performance anxiety, feeling like

I had to be good all the time.

308

: 00:16:04

And when you feel like you have to be good

all the time, what happens is that all

309

: 00:16:08

the bad, and I say that in quotes, right?

310

: 00:16:11

Which is usually just normal behavior that

God wants to grow your character through.

311

: 00:16:16

I would hide all of that.

312

: 00:16:18

Mm-hmm.

313

: 00:16:19

And shove that away because those

were the parts of me nobody could see.

314

: 00:16:24

So I was living this life that was.

315

: 00:16:27

Not congruent, not authentic.

316

: 00:16:29

I didn't even know where to begin.

317

: 00:16:32

And something important that I talk about

in the book is this experience that I

318

: 00:16:38

had with seeing normal in chapter one.

319

: 00:16:42

Yep.

320

: 00:16:43

Yeah.

321

: 00:16:45

So I remember the moment so clearly I

was with my dear girlfriend in college.

322

: 00:16:53

Her mama had invited us home and

I, I was too far, I lived too far

323

: 00:16:58

away to be able to get to my house.

324

: 00:17:01

So my friend said, come on home with me.

325

: 00:17:04

You know, she's from Texas.

326

: 00:17:04

Come on home, y'all come on home.

327

: 00:17:06

Pile in the car.

328

: 00:17:07

It was, didn't matter how many of us.

329

: 00:17:09

And I was like, are you sure?

330

: 00:17:10

Sure.

331

: 00:17:10

This is okay.

332

: 00:17:11

Is your mom gonna be all right with this?

333

: 00:17:12

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.

334

: 00:17:13

Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely.

335

: 00:17:14

Come on, y'all come down, have

Thanksgiving with my mama.

336

: 00:17:17

So I, we drove down to her mama's house.

337

: 00:17:19

Her mama was there on the porch of

this little tiny house in Galveston.

338

: 00:17:24

Just couldn't wait to see us, you

know, embraced us in our arms.

339

: 00:17:28

The minute that I met her, I felt so safe.

340

: 00:17:32

And, um, I think I tell the story in the

book that I, I was sleeping in the living

341

: 00:17:36

room because there weren't in enough

beds and it was also the laundry room.

342

: 00:17:39

It kind of, you know, discreetly

tucked behind these doors.

343

: 00:17:43

And, uh, she came out in the

morning, she had my la the

344

: 00:17:46

laundry basket balanced on my hip.

345

: 00:17:48

She had folded all my laundry.

346

: 00:17:51

She was holding up my bra and

scraps we're like six miles long.

347

: 00:17:57

And she said, child, what have

you been doing to your bras?

348

: 00:18:02

I'm like, she's holding my bra in

her hands and I'm okay with it.

349

: 00:18:08

It was this, I'm okay with

the fact that she's talking

350

: 00:18:12

to me about something private.

351

: 00:18:15

And that whole week we just sat around.

352

: 00:18:18

There was no performance, there

was no show, there was no judgment.

353

: 00:18:22

She just laughed at all of our antics.

354

: 00:18:26

Um, my friend just, you know, we could

come and go out of the kitchen as we

355

: 00:18:30

pleased we could do whatever we want.

356

: 00:18:32

She, she thought we were

these just delightful humans.

357

: 00:18:37

And, um.

358

: 00:18:39

When we left her home that weekend, I was

driving home with my girlfriend in the

359

: 00:18:44

car and um, as you know, you've read this?

360

: 00:18:48

Yes.

361

: 00:18:48

But I turned to her

and I said, um, Adrian.

362

: 00:18:52

I said, is it, is it always like

that in your house or is that an act?

363

: 00:18:57

Because, you know, we had

to put on a show, you know?

364

: 00:19:01

Yes.

365

: 00:19:01

In our house and we were

the preacher's family.

366

: 00:19:06

We could not have anything wrong with us.

367

: 00:19:08

We needed to be perfect.

368

: 00:19:09

So it didn't matter if all hell broke

loose the night before in our house.

369

: 00:19:14

We showed up.

370

: 00:19:15

The next day with smiles on our faces and

just stuff, stuff stuffing all of this.

371

: 00:19:22

Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.

372

: 00:19:23

Speaker 2: Torment all of this

pain, all of this dysfunction.

373

: 00:19:28

And, um, nobody, nobody

knew we did it really well.

374

: 00:19:32

And I learned to be very

good at putting on that face.

375

: 00:19:35

So she said, I said, is it like

that or is that just an act?

376

: 00:19:39

And she said, no.

377

: 00:19:41

She said, that's just us.

378

: 00:19:43

And um, so I started to share

with her 17 years old things that

379

: 00:19:49

I'd never told anybody before.

380

: 00:19:50

Speaker 4: Yeah.

381

: 00:19:52

Speaker 2: Just a few things.

382

: 00:19:53

And she said, Andy, you were abused.

383

: 00:19:59

And I, I was shocked because back then

that word abuse, it was a very big word.

384

: 00:20:07

It's not.

385

: 00:20:08

As big these days, but it

was a very big word then.

386

: 00:20:12

Mm-hmm.

387

: 00:20:12

To say you had been abused was, you

know, to put you in this category

388

: 00:20:17

that people had thought of and

you, you better be careful with

389

: 00:20:21

that accusation, kind of, you know.

390

: 00:20:23

Speaker: Well, and was there any

part of you, um, I don't know why I'm

391

: 00:20:28

tying this to the cancer diagnosis.

392

: 00:20:32

I kind of like, I didn't

wanna be in that club.

393

: 00:20:36

Exactly.

394

: 00:20:37

Does that make sense?

395

: 00:20:37

I didn't want to be, did you feel

like, I don't wanna be someone

396

: 00:20:41

that's abused, I'm perfect.

397

: 00:20:43

Speaker 2: I didn't feel that I, although

I can't, that's such an amazing connection

398

: 00:20:51

that God would use that to draw that into

what you had to go through, you know?

399

: 00:20:56

Speaker: Right.

400

: 00:20:57

Speaker 2: He's so amazing.

401

: 00:20:58

The Holy Spirit is so amazing.

402

: 00:20:59

I know the way he works and I think

my feeling in that moment was shock.

403

: 00:21:07

That I'd, I was, I'd been abused.

404

: 00:21:10

Well, okay.

405

: 00:21:11

That it wasn't, that it wasn't normal.

406

: 00:21:13

Yes.

407

: 00:21:13

What I up with,

408

: 00:21:15

Speaker: do you know what I mean?

409

: 00:21:16

Oh my gosh.

410

: 00:21:17

Okay.

411

: 00:21:17

So Andy, this is what I have to

tell you when I read that piece.

412

: 00:21:22

Yeah.

413

: 00:21:22

It hit me because I remember I have been,

I've had, I've been filled, I've been

414

: 00:21:28

running on in the red zone my whole life.

415

: 00:21:31

Like, ugh.

416

: 00:21:32

So intense and tight and worried about

everything and trying to be the best.

417

: 00:21:36

And it's anxiety, right?

418

: 00:21:38

Yeah.

419

: 00:21:38

I have anxiety, and I remember just

through this diagnosis, I remember

420

: 00:21:44

talking to my mom, who also has anxiety.

421

: 00:21:48

I never, nobody, you know what I mean?

422

: 00:21:50

Nobody talk.

423

: 00:21:51

Nobody knew it.

424

: 00:21:51

No, no.

425

: 00:21:52

Well, and then, so I'm telling her

how I'm feeling and she says, well,

426

: 00:21:56

I think anyone would feel that way.

427

: 00:21:57

I think anyone would be anxious.

428

: 00:21:58

And suddenly one day I

went, mom, you're wrong.

429

: 00:22:02

You're wrong because my hubby.

430

: 00:22:05

He doesn't like sit

and spin out, you know,

431

: 00:22:10

like I'm spinning out and things I

don't need to spin out on, you know?

432

: 00:22:13

Yeah.

433

: 00:22:14

And when you brought that up, that

was an aha moment for me of, wait a

434

: 00:22:18

minute, this isn't how people live.

435

: 00:22:21

Speaker 2: No.

436

: 00:22:22

Isn't it this paradigm shift?

437

: 00:22:24

I mean, yes.

438

: 00:22:25

Such, I remember this one time so

distinctly I was at a shopping center.

439

: 00:22:30

It's a little bit of a tangent

story, but that's okay.

440

: 00:22:33

We do that.

441

: 00:22:34

Boy, we love a story.

442

: 00:22:35

We love a story.

443

: 00:22:37

I was so funny.

444

: 00:22:38

One time I got, I got absolutely

hammered by this very precious but

445

: 00:22:42

religious woman for preaching with

a lot of stories and um, yeah.

446

: 00:22:48

I went home and Jesus,

Jesus was so good to me.

447

: 00:22:51

God just told me, he said,

my son used stories right.

448

: 00:22:55

You're, you're all good.

449

: 00:22:56

So anyway, from then on, I was

like, all right, I'm all good.

450

: 00:23:00

People may not get the real, the real

nugget, but they'll get a good story.

451

: 00:23:07

But yeah, he, he, that's how he used

this as a word to explain things to me.

452

: 00:23:12

But I was out on the streets and I was

coming to this shopping center and there

453

: 00:23:16

was this busy road in front of the store.

454

: 00:23:18

I was about to go on, and there was this

little girl, Lisa, standing in the middle

455

: 00:23:22

of the road and her mom was safely on the

curb and her mom was saying, really soft.

456

: 00:23:30

Come on honey, come on, come on honey.

457

: 00:23:33

And I'm thinking, this is my child.

458

: 00:23:36

She's standing in the middle of a road.

459

: 00:23:40

Get on that street, yank the child

off the street and get her safely.

460

: 00:23:46

Why are you safe?

461

: 00:23:47

And the child isn't.

462

: 00:23:49

So finally the little girl, I, I ran

into the street and started acting

463

: 00:23:53

like traffic cop to stop the cars.

464

: 00:23:55

Mm-hmm.

465

: 00:23:55

And I'm thinking this, this might be maybe

one of the worst mothers I've ever seen.

466

: 00:24:00

Speaker 4: Yeah.

467

: 00:24:00

Speaker 2: But I was trying to not be

judgmental, so I jumped in to help, but

468

: 00:24:03

I'm thinking the grab your child and go.

469

: 00:24:07

So anyway, the little girl,

she finally crosses the street

470

: 00:24:11

and goes into the store.

471

: 00:24:12

So by the time I get in the

store, I'm sh I'm shook, but I

472

: 00:24:16

see the little girl now wandering

around the store without her mom.

473

: 00:24:20

And finally I see a woman come around

the corner, she's got her cart, and

474

: 00:24:25

she goes, oh, there you are honey.

475

: 00:24:26

What have you been doing?

476

: 00:24:28

Well, that was the mother.

477

: 00:24:30

She was in the store and hadn't noticed

that her kid had run out the door and

478

: 00:24:36

was on the street, and the woman who was

calling the child softly was a stranger.

479

: 00:24:43

Oh.

480

: 00:24:44

And she was doing it gently so that

the child wouldn't be scared even

481

: 00:24:49

further and run further into harm's way.

482

: 00:24:53

And she pulled her into the store

and really was the hero of the story.

483

: 00:24:58

And the mom thought the little girl

had just been running around the

484

: 00:25:00

store looking at things, but really

she'd been on the street in danger.

485

: 00:25:05

That was a big moment for me because

that was a paradigm shift where things

486

: 00:25:11

that I saw with my eye were not at

all the way that I had seen them.

487

: 00:25:18

Yes.

488

: 00:25:19

That little girl, that was not her mother.

489

: 00:25:22

She was actually this hero

pulling the child off the street.

490

: 00:25:25

Mm-hmm.

491

: 00:25:26

And I had misjudged, misread and

misinterpreted the whole story.

492

: 00:25:31

And I think that had a

twofold unpacking in me.

493

: 00:25:35

The first was, don't

be a judgmental person.

494

: 00:25:40

Do not judge other people by

how they look, by how they act.

495

: 00:25:44

Lisa, I meet so many women, you

would think millionaires, I meet

496

: 00:25:50

people with millions of dollars.

497

: 00:25:51

You would think they have it all

together and God will drop a word in

498

: 00:25:56

my heart for them and I'll be shaking.

499

: 00:25:58

You know how that is When God wants you

just to say this encouraging word, I'll

500

: 00:26:01

be a little bit shaky and I'll say.

501

: 00:26:03

There were to them tears instantly.

502

: 00:26:07

Uh, when people see the title of my

book When Your Protectors Didn't Yeah.

503

: 00:26:11

And they get tears in their eyes.

504

: 00:26:12

These well-dressed, well-heeled

women that we would easily wanna

505

: 00:26:17

judge and say, you've never been

through anything hard or, you know.

506

: 00:26:21

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

507

: 00:26:23

They've been through terrible,

terrible things and they're just

508

: 00:26:28

out there trying to survive.

509

: 00:26:30

So, first of all, just completely drop

any judgmental attitude because it, as

510

: 00:26:35

you know, 'cause you're so relatable

and gracious, you do this well, but we

511

: 00:26:42

put up this invisible barrier between

people by comparing ourselves to them

512

: 00:26:47

Speaker: Oh.

513

: 00:26:47

All the time.

514

: 00:26:48

Speaker 3: Yeah.

515

: 00:26:49

Speaker 2: We'll either be two things

better that feel pride at what we

516

: 00:26:54

have or feel shame at what we don't.

517

: 00:26:56

Speaker 3: Yeah.

518

: 00:26:57

Speaker 2: And neither one of those.

519

: 00:27:00

Are what we as women should

be feeling on a daily basis.

520

: 00:27:04

And just having that conversation and

finding that commonality with other women

521

: 00:27:09

and suspending judgment so we can cheer

them on their journey was what I kind

522

: 00:27:15

of forever took away from that lesson.

523

: 00:27:18

And the second, um, thing, and even the

mom in the store, no judgment for her.

524

: 00:27:23

She was probably exhausted.

525

: 00:27:24

Speaker: Yeah.

526

: 00:27:24

She had no idea.

527

: 00:27:26

Had no idea.

528

: 00:27:27

Speaker 2: Right.

529

: 00:27:27

And the second thing was, what we talked

about earlier was this normalizing

530

: 00:27:32

of things that when you have your

world turned upside down and you

531

: 00:27:38

realize that things were not normal

in your home as a child, the abuse

532

: 00:27:44

that you encountered was not normal.

533

: 00:27:47

I know I, I'm a truth teller, so I, I

felt betrayed and I thought how could.

534

: 00:27:53

How could we live this way?

535

: 00:27:55

How could we live with this hypocrisy?

536

: 00:27:58

Um, it took a lot of years to unpack

that in therapy, but now I feel like

537

: 00:28:04

just by telling my story, it, I don't

put any graphic details in the book,

538

: 00:28:10

but I want women to know that abuse is

not normal, even if it was your normal.