Should I Stay or Should I Go? How to Know—and What Comes Next
In this episode of 'Doing Divorce Different,' the host discusses the complexities and emotional aspects of contemplating and going through a divorce. Emphasizing the preference for amicable divorces, the host provides insights on when it might be time to divorce, the importance of personal growth within a marriage, and how to effectively prepare for the divorce process. Key points include the value of coaching, therapy, and building a support team, understanding legal and financial aspects, and the significance of a well-planned parenting strategy for those with children. The host also stresses the importance of being informed and prepared to ensure a smoother transition and a better post-divorce life.
00:00 Introduction and Purpose
00:36 Understanding Amicable Divorce
01:43 Efforts to Save Your Marriage
03:41 The Importance of Self-Improvement
05:46 Navigating Divorce Mediation
07:30 Making the Decision to Divorce
07:57 Gathering Information and Building a Support Team
09:52 Financial Considerations During Divorce
15:49 Focusing on Children and Parenting Plans
16:38 Handling Property and Housing Concerns
18:26 Conclusion and Final Thoughts
Marrie Simpson’s Metabolic Reset
Biology of Belief by Bruce Lipton
Transcript
Welcome to Doing Divorce Different.
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:It's been a while and I am so
happy to be here with you today.
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:And today we are going to talk about,
well, I just, I mean, I have to say it.
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:You know me and you know that I
don't want you to get divorced.
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:I want you to do everything you can not
to get divorced and at the same time.
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:I know that sometimes it is
the only route, and that's
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:why I, I do what I do, so.
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:If you are thinking of divorce, I
really, want to use this episode
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:to help you, to help you be less
afraid to explain amicable divorce.
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:I love amicable divorces
when you can, right?
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:And again, sometimes we're
gonna talk about how there are
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:sometimes reasons why you can't.
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:So we're gonna talk about amicable.
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:Amicable divorce and,
and your other options.
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:We're gonna talk about moving forward.
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:So you're getting divorced.
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:You know what?
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:Now I'm gonna talk a little bit about
investing in a team or in taking
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:some time to learn some things as
you enter the world of divorce.
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:And then I'm just gonna give you a
little bit of general legal information.
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:So this is.
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:A general podcast that's
gonna talk through divorce.
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:I feel like the more information you
get, the less scared that you are.
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:That's what I find with my clients.
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:So how do you know it's time to divorce?
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:Let's start with that question,
and obviously if there's abuse.
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:You know, that's, that's pretty, pretty
obvious Sometimes abuse is a little
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:subjective if it's, if it's verbal.
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:And so those are a little bit difficult.
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:What about if someone breaks a vow?
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:You know, there's a lot of different
reasons to get divorced and there's a
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:lot of reasons not to, and so I just ask
all my clients to really put effort in.
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:When I talk about putting effort into
your marriage, I am talking about
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:working on you, working on yourself,
because that can change a marriage.
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:I have seen women and men who go and get
coached a little bit and start working on
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:their mindset, and because they're setting
up boundaries or changing their behavior,
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:the other Spouse will follow suit or will,
you know, begin to want to grow as well.
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:you can sit in limbo for years
and years and years and I feel
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:like put your all into your
marriage if you're questioning it.
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:Maybe for three months.
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:Put everything you've got into
it because divorce is hard too.
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:If you grow yourself, maybe start
working with your, you know,
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:working on things with your spouse.
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:Some people really like therapy.
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:I find coaching really helpful
for, couples working together,
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:kind of to give them maybe a
little bit of homework to get them.
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:Working towards things they can do
to make their marriage better, more
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:results, more taking control of it.
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:And you know, we've gotta
look at the past and sometimes
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:therapy can help us with that.
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:So they both come together.
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:But why wouldn't you?
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:Put your all in so you're not wondering.
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:So in the future, you know,
you made the right decision.
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:Another thing, my clients who come to
me for a divorce who have done work on
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:themselves and are healthy communicators,
the divorce goes so much smoother.
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:So, you know, I love amicable
divorce because it's less
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:expensive, it's less stressful.
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:If you have children, you know
it is the best thing you can do
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:for your kids to work together,
especially on that parenting plan.
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:And I'm telling you, no matter
what state you're in, no matter how
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:you're going to get divorced, if you
have children, go do that parenting
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:plan course that I have because.
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:You can bring that to the attorneys,
but it gets you at least as far as
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:your kids go working on a plan so
that you can do what's best for them.
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:So use those resources that I have now.
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:You know, I talk so highly of amicable
divorces and it's all I do because I am a
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:peacemaker and I wanna help people grow.
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:I wanna be your starting block to a
better life, whether it's on this doing
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:divorce, different podcast or on Saddle Up
Live, where I'm empowering women, or men.
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:You know, I want you, I wanna
be the starting block for you.
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:To have your best life.
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:That doesn't mean it's no pain, but
it means you have your best life.
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:So this is what I'm saying.
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:If you're thinking about divorce and
you're not sure, put everything you've
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:got into that marriage and into yourself.
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:Give yourself a few months and
then make the decision after that.
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:Pray about it.
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:Pray about it.
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:Ask God to lead you in your decision.
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:Think of the piece that will come
with that because the creator
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:of the universe is in you.
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:He can direct you if you
allow him and surrender.
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:So that is what I want my people
who come to me for consultations.
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:I really want them to dig in.
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:if you need help on your
marriage, you can reach out to me.
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:If you're ready to go through
a mediation, reach out to me.
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:There are times when a divorce mediation
isn't going to work for people.
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:there's all kinds of information in
my podcast in the past about what
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:divorce mediation is and with me, I'm
an attorney, but I don't act like one.
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:I just give legal information and the
couple comes together in front of me and
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:we work through their agreements and their
paperwork together works beautifully.
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:Unless one person feels like they don't
have a voice, if they feel like they maybe
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:don't have all the information that they
need, if they feel like there's a power
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:struggle, if there's abuse, there are
reasons for attorneys, Hire an attorney.
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:the vast majority of my clients
will hire, at least one of them will
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:hire an attorney on a limited scope.
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:They just go over the
agreement and file it for them.
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:I always recommend that,
it's never a bad thing.
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:there is another way that you can
divorce amicably, and that is with,
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:it's called collaborative Law.
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:in Minnesota, that is where you each
are represented by an attorney, but
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:you make an agreement that you're
not gonna fight it out in court.
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:So you have that representation and
a little bit more of the peaceful
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:outcome, that you're working towards.
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:Sometimes they blow up, sometimes
they get a little bit more expensive,
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:but, If people are wanting a
little bit more handholding or
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:representation, that's a good way to go.
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:So if you can do that amicable divorce,
if there are any questions of abuse or
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:you're feeling like you're not going to
have a voice, hire someone to help you.
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:so now you've decided.
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:You're getting divorced.
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:Now what?
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:Now what do you do?
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:It's scary, right?
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:And here's the thing.
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:You finally made the decision because
I think I remember hearing the average
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:amount of time it took someone to
make the decision was three years.
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:I feel like I've known people who
have gone 15 years wondering about it.
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:So, if you have made that decision.
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:I, and again, this is
not any legal advice.
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:I would tell you, if my friend
were getting divorced, I would
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:say go do a little research and do
it for yourself and learn about.
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:The laws in your state about divorce
because with information, you're gonna
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:get a little bit more peace because
a lot of people feel terrified,
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:like, how am I gonna afford this?
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:how am I gonna do this?
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:So think that's the first thing.
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:Now, if you can, it's awesome to have a
team and you know, I'm gonna tell you.
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:For most of my life, I did not pay
people to help me learn things and to
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:help me to coach me, whatever it was.
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:I took the other route, which
you can do too, where I just
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:went and dug in on my own.
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:I listened to podcasts.
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:I read books.
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:That's a way to do it too.
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:Get your information.
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:What I'm learning now is how to invest
in myself so much more than I ever have.
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:you know, with age comes a little more
wisdom and so, there's always the prayer
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:piece and so I like to find people I.
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:Who I can work with that
have the same values.
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:But if you can get a coach, a divorce
coach who can, they can save you
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:money sometimes 'cause they can
point you in the right direction.
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:if you need a therapist, get a therapist.
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:I do love coaching, even if it's not about
the specific divorce coaching So that
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:you can be a better person so that you're
not in this position again, because we
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:want you going out into the world having
amazing relationships in the future.
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:So get your team together
or do your homework.
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:That's what I always recommend, when
you're starting with the divorce process.
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:And, I just wanna give you a little
bit of general information now.
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:And this is, you know, I've worked
in Minnesota and Wisconsin and so
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:this information, I'm gonna try
to keep it really general because
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:if you're in a different state, I
want you to look into those laws.
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:But as a whole, there's a lot of
women that are really terrified.
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:like, well, I don't know if I'm gonna be
able to afford to support myself What I
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:want you to know is if you've been in a
long term marriage, you are probably going
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:to be able to obtain some form of alimony
or spousal maintenance, and so I want you
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:to have a little bit less fear because
no one wants to leave you with nothing,
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:I know that in Minnesota long
term's, like 10 years and they
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:generally will give, maintenance
for half the life of the marriage.
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:You can do it how you want if
you go through a mediation.
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:And what we do in mediation is we look
at budgets, really, that's another thing.
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:Start understanding your finances.
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:So you're getting some
information on divorce.
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:What the laws are in your
state, and then you're gonna
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:start looking at your finances.
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:And this is what I want you to know.
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:I know this is hard.
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:I know you're tired 'cause you're
going through a hard thing and
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:you kind of just wanna let it go.
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:If you can let it go and get somebody,
pay someone to help you, that's great.
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:If you can't.
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:Give yourself breaks, but I don't want you
to be in the position that down the road
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:you're sorry that you didn't know more.
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:and you're, because so many people
will just agree to things because
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:they don't wanna deal with it.
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:And I don't want that to be you either.
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:I want you to really look at things,
do it for yourself if you can.
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:Maybe, I always say.
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:If you hate looking into divorce
information, do something nice
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:for yourself before and after.
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:Whether it's getting a great cup
of your favorite mocha or whatever
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:it is, sitting down and listening
and then taking the hot bath.
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:It doesn't have to be expensive,
but give yourself the time to learn.
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:And so after you learn about
those, get that legal information
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:and learn about what the laws
kind of look like in your state.
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:Then I want you to start looking
into your own financial affairs.
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:Some of you are gonna have a great
handle on it and some of you are not.
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:If you need help and you are afraid
that people are hiding things,
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:there are people that can help you.
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:one thing you can do is you can
start paying attention to the mail,
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:looking at emails, seeing what
banks are getting, and, you know,
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:sending out information to you.
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:So just start being aware
of where your money is.
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:Keep track of your budget because you
are going to have to know or do a best
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:guess of what it's gonna cost when you're
living on your own in your separate world.
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:So when we're in mediation, we look at
those budgets and we look at income and
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:we kind of look at after taxes and how
the divorce is gonna affect the taxes
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:We wanna see what one person needs and
what the other person can afford when
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:we're looking at spousal maintenance
and it always comes together and
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:works out that we can figure it out.
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:You can figure it out.
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:It just takes time and sometimes
it's really hard because it's really
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:hard to afford a divorce at times.
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:So just being clear on that, clear
on what you need is going to help
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:you know what you might be getting
for maintenance if you have children.
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:There's always the child support, that.
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:The one person will be receiving,
and I'm gonna be honest, in the
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:states that I've worked in, child
support is really easy to figure out.
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:You put the incomes in, you put some,
how many overnights there are with
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:each parent, and you put healthcare
costs in and you can see what you would
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:be receiving for child support or.
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:Paying for child support.
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:So those are the two income things
that are going to be coming into you.
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:and then when you look at your assets,
just keep in mind everything that
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:you've earned during that marriage.
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:You know, whether it's a business
that the other person owns or a home.
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:No matter whose name is on
it, you own it together.
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:So all the assets are half of yours.
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:Now, there are some things that will be
considered non-marital if you inherit
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:something that is, Specifically just
to you, or maybe like a gift that
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:you received prior to the marriage.
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:Sometimes, 4 0 1 Ks that you've earned
on before the marriage, the portion
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:that you earned before the marriage
doesn't count in the assets, but once
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:you start looking at all your finances
and it becomes clear what you have.
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:You might start to feel
a little, more peace.
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:And like I said, I love it when I can
work with couples together and we can
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:kind of, work out, they can work out
how they want to divide things up.
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:They can follow the parameters of
the law, but they can do things
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:a little bit different as long
as they're both in agreement.
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:It takes into account what your
specific wants and needs are.
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:And it's a beautiful way of kind of
making like music, when you can create
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:something, out of a bad situation.
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:'cause remember what I always say
too is how you, how you end one
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:thing is how you start the next.
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:So if you can end your
marriage beautifully, you
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:can start that next phase.
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:A good spot knowing that you had
integrity and did things well.
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:So, so dividing assets.
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:Now I, I talked about assets,
I talked about the income.
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:I think when people come to me, I.
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:Together.
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:The thing they're most concerned
about are their children.
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:And, that's where I would highly
recommend, even if you do it
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:before you start the process,
go do that parenting plan.
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:Course it's not expensive,
it's at lisa koski.com.
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:or contact me, reach out if you
wanna do one together with me.
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:but that course is available when I'm not.
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:So it's always there and you can ask me
questions as you need to, but it will
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:help you work together for your kids.
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:And we have seen that that is what
really helps children to have two
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:parents caring for them working
together because you're gonna be
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:connected for the rest of your life.
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:So the kids are a big piece, and
if you wanna get that chunk done,
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:no matter how you're moving forward
with your divorce, start there.
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:Start with that parenting plan
and work together on that.
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:Another thing that a lot of people
have concern about is their home.
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:Especially if, you know, maybe
they one person could afford it
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:now with the lower interest rates
and they don't know, they won't be
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:able to get the same interest rate.
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:There's so many questions about,
can I assume this mortgage, or not?
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:Contact me.
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:I have an ebook that has a
little bit of information that
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:I'd be happy to share with you.
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:I have some great, contacts for you
to connect with, to ask questions.
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:they'll be able to help you understand
whether your home is assumable,
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:Feel like you can't afford life
because you have the house.
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:So many people feel like, oh, it's so
important that I keep this house because
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:it's important for my kids' wellbeing.
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:But really what's important for your kids'
wellbeing is that you're not extremely
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:stressed out working all the time, and
that their life can kind of continue.
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:So sometimes downsizing is the answer.
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:Again, there's that other issue
now with the rates being different,
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:where, sometimes it's actually more
affordable for you to stay in your home.
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:And so we wanna try to
work the best way we can.
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:And I'm telling you, I've had people do
weird things and attorneys don't want
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:you to do this, but people who can get
along okay sometimes own their home
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:together after the marriage because
they both want their kids to be there.
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:So we've seen all kinds of crazy
nesting stories and, and you can.
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:You can work it out the way you want.
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:That's the thing about
an amicable divorce.
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:You have a say in your outcome, so I'm a
proponent of it, but I know I also love,
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:I'm an attorney, I love attorneys, and
sometimes we need them, and sometimes
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:that's not possible, and that's okay.
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:We're gonna make the best of it.
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:You're gonna work on yourself,
you're gonna get better.
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:This is gonna be a starting block to an
opportunity to have a better life, even
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:if you have to go through a divorce.
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:So thanks so much for being here.
