Should I Stay or Should I Go? How to Know—and What Comes Next

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Welcome to Doing Divorce Different.

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It's been a while and I am so

happy to be here with you today.

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And today we are going to talk about,

well, I just, I mean, I have to say it.

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You know me and you know that I

don't want you to get divorced.

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I want you to do everything you can not

to get divorced and at the same time.

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I know that sometimes it is

the only route, and that's

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why I, I do what I do, so.

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If you are thinking of divorce, I

really, want to use this episode

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to help you, to help you be less

afraid to explain amicable divorce.

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I love amicable divorces

when you can, right?

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And again, sometimes we're

gonna talk about how there are

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sometimes reasons why you can't.

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So we're gonna talk about amicable.

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Amicable divorce and,

and your other options.

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We're gonna talk about moving forward.

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So you're getting divorced.

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You know what?

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Now I'm gonna talk a little bit about

investing in a team or in taking

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some time to learn some things as

you enter the world of divorce.

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And then I'm just gonna give you a

little bit of general legal information.

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So this is.

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A general podcast that's

gonna talk through divorce.

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I feel like the more information you

get, the less scared that you are.

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That's what I find with my clients.

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So how do you know it's time to divorce?

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Let's start with that question,

and obviously if there's abuse.

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You know, that's, that's pretty, pretty

obvious Sometimes abuse is a little

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subjective if it's, if it's verbal.

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And so those are a little bit difficult.

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What about if someone breaks a vow?

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You know, there's a lot of different

reasons to get divorced and there's a

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lot of reasons not to, and so I just ask

all my clients to really put effort in.

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When I talk about putting effort into

your marriage, I am talking about

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working on you, working on yourself,

because that can change a marriage.

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I have seen women and men who go and get

coached a little bit and start working on

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their mindset, and because they're setting

up boundaries or changing their behavior,

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the other Spouse will follow suit or will,

you know, begin to want to grow as well.

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you can sit in limbo for years

and years and years and I feel

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like put your all into your

marriage if you're questioning it.

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Maybe for three months.

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Put everything you've got into

it because divorce is hard too.

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If you grow yourself, maybe start

working with your, you know,

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working on things with your spouse.

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Some people really like therapy.

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I find coaching really helpful

for, couples working together,

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kind of to give them maybe a

little bit of homework to get them.

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Working towards things they can do

to make their marriage better, more

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results, more taking control of it.

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And you know, we've gotta

look at the past and sometimes

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therapy can help us with that.

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So they both come together.

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But why wouldn't you?

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Put your all in so you're not wondering.

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So in the future, you know,

you made the right decision.

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Another thing, my clients who come to

me for a divorce who have done work on

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themselves and are healthy communicators,

the divorce goes so much smoother.

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So, you know, I love amicable

divorce because it's less

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expensive, it's less stressful.

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If you have children, you know

it is the best thing you can do

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for your kids to work together,

especially on that parenting plan.

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And I'm telling you, no matter

what state you're in, no matter how

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you're going to get divorced, if you

have children, go do that parenting

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plan course that I have because.

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You can bring that to the attorneys,

but it gets you at least as far as

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your kids go working on a plan so

that you can do what's best for them.

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So use those resources that I have now.

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You know, I talk so highly of amicable

divorces and it's all I do because I am a

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peacemaker and I wanna help people grow.

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I wanna be your starting block to a

better life, whether it's on this doing

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divorce, different podcast or on Saddle Up

Live, where I'm empowering women, or men.

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You know, I want you, I wanna

be the starting block for you.

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To have your best life.

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That doesn't mean it's no pain, but

it means you have your best life.

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So this is what I'm saying.

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If you're thinking about divorce and

you're not sure, put everything you've

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got into that marriage and into yourself.

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Give yourself a few months and

then make the decision after that.

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Pray about it.

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Pray about it.

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Ask God to lead you in your decision.

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Think of the piece that will come

with that because the creator

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of the universe is in you.

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He can direct you if you

allow him and surrender.

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So that is what I want my people

who come to me for consultations.

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I really want them to dig in.

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if you need help on your

marriage, you can reach out to me.

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If you're ready to go through

a mediation, reach out to me.

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There are times when a divorce mediation

isn't going to work for people.

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there's all kinds of information in

my podcast in the past about what

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divorce mediation is and with me, I'm

an attorney, but I don't act like one.

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I just give legal information and the

couple comes together in front of me and

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we work through their agreements and their

paperwork together works beautifully.

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Unless one person feels like they don't

have a voice, if they feel like they maybe

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don't have all the information that they

need, if they feel like there's a power

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struggle, if there's abuse, there are

reasons for attorneys, Hire an attorney.

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the vast majority of my clients

will hire, at least one of them will

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hire an attorney on a limited scope.

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They just go over the

agreement and file it for them.

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I always recommend that,

it's never a bad thing.

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there is another way that you can

divorce amicably, and that is with,

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it's called collaborative Law.

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in Minnesota, that is where you each

are represented by an attorney, but

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you make an agreement that you're

not gonna fight it out in court.

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So you have that representation and

a little bit more of the peaceful

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outcome, that you're working towards.

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Sometimes they blow up, sometimes

they get a little bit more expensive,

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but, If people are wanting a

little bit more handholding or

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representation, that's a good way to go.

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So if you can do that amicable divorce,

if there are any questions of abuse or

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you're feeling like you're not going to

have a voice, hire someone to help you.

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so now you've decided.

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You're getting divorced.

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Now what?

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Now what do you do?

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It's scary, right?

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And here's the thing.

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You finally made the decision because

I think I remember hearing the average

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amount of time it took someone to

make the decision was three years.

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I feel like I've known people who

have gone 15 years wondering about it.

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So, if you have made that decision.

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I, and again, this is

not any legal advice.

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I would tell you, if my friend

were getting divorced, I would

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say go do a little research and do

it for yourself and learn about.

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The laws in your state about divorce

because with information, you're gonna

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get a little bit more peace because

a lot of people feel terrified,

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like, how am I gonna afford this?

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how am I gonna do this?

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So think that's the first thing.

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Now, if you can, it's awesome to have a

team and you know, I'm gonna tell you.

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For most of my life, I did not pay

people to help me learn things and to

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help me to coach me, whatever it was.

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I took the other route, which

you can do too, where I just

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went and dug in on my own.

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I listened to podcasts.

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I read books.

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That's a way to do it too.

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Get your information.

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What I'm learning now is how to invest

in myself so much more than I ever have.

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you know, with age comes a little more

wisdom and so, there's always the prayer

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piece and so I like to find people I.

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Who I can work with that

have the same values.

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But if you can get a coach, a divorce

coach who can, they can save you

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money sometimes 'cause they can

point you in the right direction.

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if you need a therapist, get a therapist.

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I do love coaching, even if it's not about

the specific divorce coaching So that

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you can be a better person so that you're

not in this position again, because we

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want you going out into the world having

amazing relationships in the future.

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So get your team together

or do your homework.

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That's what I always recommend, when

you're starting with the divorce process.

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And, I just wanna give you a little

bit of general information now.

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And this is, you know, I've worked

in Minnesota and Wisconsin and so

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this information, I'm gonna try

to keep it really general because

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if you're in a different state, I

want you to look into those laws.

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But as a whole, there's a lot of

women that are really terrified.

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like, well, I don't know if I'm gonna be

able to afford to support myself What I

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want you to know is if you've been in a

long term marriage, you are probably going

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to be able to obtain some form of alimony

or spousal maintenance, and so I want you

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to have a little bit less fear because

no one wants to leave you with nothing,

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I know that in Minnesota long

term's, like 10 years and they

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generally will give, maintenance

for half the life of the marriage.

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You can do it how you want if

you go through a mediation.

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And what we do in mediation is we look

at budgets, really, that's another thing.

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Start understanding your finances.

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So you're getting some

information on divorce.

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What the laws are in your

state, and then you're gonna

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start looking at your finances.

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And this is what I want you to know.

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I know this is hard.

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I know you're tired 'cause you're

going through a hard thing and

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you kind of just wanna let it go.

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If you can let it go and get somebody,

pay someone to help you, that's great.

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If you can't.

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Give yourself breaks, but I don't want you

to be in the position that down the road

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you're sorry that you didn't know more.

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and you're, because so many people

will just agree to things because

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they don't wanna deal with it.

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And I don't want that to be you either.

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I want you to really look at things,

do it for yourself if you can.

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Maybe, I always say.

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If you hate looking into divorce

information, do something nice

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for yourself before and after.

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Whether it's getting a great cup

of your favorite mocha or whatever

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it is, sitting down and listening

and then taking the hot bath.

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It doesn't have to be expensive,

but give yourself the time to learn.

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And so after you learn about

those, get that legal information

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and learn about what the laws

kind of look like in your state.

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Then I want you to start looking

into your own financial affairs.

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Some of you are gonna have a great

handle on it and some of you are not.

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If you need help and you are afraid

that people are hiding things,

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there are people that can help you.

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one thing you can do is you can

start paying attention to the mail,

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looking at emails, seeing what

banks are getting, and, you know,

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sending out information to you.

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So just start being aware

of where your money is.

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Keep track of your budget because you

are going to have to know or do a best

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guess of what it's gonna cost when you're

living on your own in your separate world.

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So when we're in mediation, we look at

those budgets and we look at income and

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we kind of look at after taxes and how

the divorce is gonna affect the taxes

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We wanna see what one person needs and

what the other person can afford when

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we're looking at spousal maintenance

and it always comes together and

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works out that we can figure it out.

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You can figure it out.

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It just takes time and sometimes

it's really hard because it's really

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hard to afford a divorce at times.

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So just being clear on that, clear

on what you need is going to help

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you know what you might be getting

for maintenance if you have children.

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There's always the child support, that.

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The one person will be receiving,

and I'm gonna be honest, in the

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states that I've worked in, child

support is really easy to figure out.

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You put the incomes in, you put some,

how many overnights there are with

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each parent, and you put healthcare

costs in and you can see what you would

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be receiving for child support or.

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Paying for child support.

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So those are the two income things

that are going to be coming into you.

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and then when you look at your assets,

just keep in mind everything that

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you've earned during that marriage.

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You know, whether it's a business

that the other person owns or a home.

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No matter whose name is on

it, you own it together.

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So all the assets are half of yours.

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Now, there are some things that will be

considered non-marital if you inherit

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something that is, Specifically just

to you, or maybe like a gift that

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you received prior to the marriage.

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Sometimes, 4 0 1 Ks that you've earned

on before the marriage, the portion

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that you earned before the marriage

doesn't count in the assets, but once

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you start looking at all your finances

and it becomes clear what you have.

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You might start to feel

a little, more peace.

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And like I said, I love it when I can

work with couples together and we can

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kind of, work out, they can work out

how they want to divide things up.

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They can follow the parameters of

the law, but they can do things

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a little bit different as long

as they're both in agreement.

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It takes into account what your

specific wants and needs are.

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And it's a beautiful way of kind of

making like music, when you can create

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something, out of a bad situation.

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'cause remember what I always say

too is how you, how you end one

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thing is how you start the next.

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So if you can end your

marriage beautifully, you

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can start that next phase.

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A good spot knowing that you had

integrity and did things well.

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So, so dividing assets.

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Now I, I talked about assets,

I talked about the income.

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I think when people come to me, I.

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Together.

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The thing they're most concerned

about are their children.

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And, that's where I would highly

recommend, even if you do it

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before you start the process,

go do that parenting plan.

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Course it's not expensive,

it's at lisa koski.com.

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or contact me, reach out if you

wanna do one together with me.

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but that course is available when I'm not.

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So it's always there and you can ask me

questions as you need to, but it will

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help you work together for your kids.

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And we have seen that that is what

really helps children to have two

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parents caring for them working

together because you're gonna be

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connected for the rest of your life.

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So the kids are a big piece, and

if you wanna get that chunk done,

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no matter how you're moving forward

with your divorce, start there.

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Start with that parenting plan

and work together on that.

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Another thing that a lot of people

have concern about is their home.

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Especially if, you know, maybe

they one person could afford it

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now with the lower interest rates

and they don't know, they won't be

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able to get the same interest rate.

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There's so many questions about,

can I assume this mortgage, or not?

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Contact me.

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I have an ebook that has a

little bit of information that

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I'd be happy to share with you.

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I have some great, contacts for you

to connect with, to ask questions.

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they'll be able to help you understand

whether your home is assumable,

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Feel like you can't afford life

because you have the house.

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So many people feel like, oh, it's so

important that I keep this house because

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it's important for my kids' wellbeing.

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But really what's important for your kids'

wellbeing is that you're not extremely

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stressed out working all the time, and

that their life can kind of continue.

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So sometimes downsizing is the answer.

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Again, there's that other issue

now with the rates being different,

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where, sometimes it's actually more

affordable for you to stay in your home.

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And so we wanna try to

work the best way we can.

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And I'm telling you, I've had people do

weird things and attorneys don't want

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you to do this, but people who can get

along okay sometimes own their home

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together after the marriage because

they both want their kids to be there.

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So we've seen all kinds of crazy

nesting stories and, and you can.

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You can work it out the way you want.

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That's the thing about

an amicable divorce.

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You have a say in your outcome, so I'm a

proponent of it, but I know I also love,

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I'm an attorney, I love attorneys, and

sometimes we need them, and sometimes

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that's not possible, and that's okay.

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We're gonna make the best of it.

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You're gonna work on yourself,

you're gonna get better.

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This is gonna be a starting block to an

opportunity to have a better life, even

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if you have to go through a divorce.

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So thanks so much for being here.