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Published on:

17th Jun 2025

The Power of Boundaries: Self-Care Lessons from 34 Years of Marriage

In this unique episode of 'Doing Divorce Different,' Lesa navigates an unexpected situation and shares profound insights on self-care and its importance in building stronger marriages. Drawing from her own experiences, including a 34-year marriage, a breast cancer journey, and personal growth, she discusses self-sacrifice, setting boundaries, and reconnecting with personal passions. Highlighting the significance of taking care of oneself to improve overall happiness and relationships, she offers practical advice and reflections aimed at both married and divorced listeners. This heartfelt and candid episode emphasizes the value of self-awareness, fun, and joy in life and relationships.

00:00 Introduction and Unexpected Situation

00:31 Reflecting on Personal Experiences

01:34 The Importance of Self-Care

03:03 Discovering Personal Joys

08:55 Setting Boundaries in Marriage

11:51 Building a Healthy Relationship

16:50 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Transcript
Speaker:

Welcome listeners.

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I am so thankful that you're here

and I'm doing something a little

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crazy pants, um, over here at

doing divorce Different today.

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Something that I've never done.

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Um, and it may make you giggle, but I

may have just been stood up, uh, for the

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first time ever in my podcast career.

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And, you know, I have kind of

been doing this a while now.

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She may just be late and, um.

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We're gonna be okay with that, and we're

gonna invite her in if she does join us.

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But it was interesting because as I was

sitting here, I was thinking through

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why I reached out to this particular

person, why I wanted her on the podcast,

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what I wanted to learn from it, and

what I wanted to share with you.

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And.

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I think that I can share all of it

with you myself from my 34-year-old

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marriage, from my journey through

catching that stage one breast cancer.

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From all the hard things I've been

through, I've learned a lot and I

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feel like I can share it with you.

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So what today is all about, I first

want to chat with her a little

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bit about, um, how we as women.

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S do so much self-sacrificing and

how we think of it as a virtue.

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And you know what, I think it

may have been one of the things

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that led me, um, through my

difficult journey, uh, of healing.

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You know, I mean, it was good.

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I'm glad I went through it, but I

wanna help you with this if I can.

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And the reason it's imp

important to talk about.

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On a divorce podcast is because you, women

are like me, you're, you're my friends.

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You might be a little bit younger, you

might be a little bit older, but we travel

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through this and we all face hard things.

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And if you are looking at.

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A divorce, staring at it in the

face if you've been divorced and

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want to get married again, and wanna

know what do I need to do to have

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a strong marriage in the future?

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Because you don't wanna end up.

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Back in the boat where you

are or if you're a youngin.

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I love these young women who know the

work that I do, and they come running

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up to me at baby showers and wedding

showers and they say, you do that podcast.

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Um, tell us what, what

can we do to stay married?

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So this is for all of you out there, and

it's so fun that I have this opportunity

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to talk to you about this because some

of you may know, um, and I don't talk

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about it a lot because I am, I just

wanna work on it and not talk about it.

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And when it's done, I'll let you know.

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But I'm so excited because I've

worked with Bob Goff and I'm gonna

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continue to work with him on a book.

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Part of what I'm doing is writing stories.

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It's, it's what you do when you

want a really good book that, yeah,

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it, it can compete with chat, GPTE

or AI because they're your story.

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So I'm in the process of writing

like 90 stories, and as I was writing

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this morning, it came into my mind

what we're talking about today

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about self-sacrificing and how.

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I think sometimes we don't

even know what we want.

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So if you're that woman who's

sitting there and going, I don't

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even really know what I like to

do, you're in the right place.

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If you're that woman that says, I

wanna have a strong marriage, I'm

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in a marriage and I want a strong

marriage, you're in the right place.

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If you've been divorced and wanna

have a, a good marriage, if you've

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never been married and wanna have a

good marriage, I think this is going

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to be really helpful for all of us.

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So.

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Here's the deal.

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As I was writing, I was writing stories

from my childhood, and you know how we.

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All can remember fun

things we did as a child.

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And sometimes that fun

changes right as we get older.

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Like I thought about, my gosh,

I loved camping as a kid.

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I liked the kind of camping where I

was with all my aunties and cousins

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and it was at a campsite and we

rode a bike and you know, we played,

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there was a little store and there

was a beach and it was just so fun.

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And then when I went camping

with my dad, who had a totally.

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Different perspective.

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And I'm so glad that I had that

opportunity in the boundary

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waters far away from any kind

of toilet or walking paths.

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I mean, you were stuck

on your little island.

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You had portages.

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It was hard work.

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Um, that one, that kind of camping

isn't really for me, but I'm glad that I

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experienced it because I know, so, okay.

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Okay.

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I can remember that I did like camping.

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Um.

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Under certain circumstances and for not

too long a period of time, I thought about

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how as a child I love playing with babies.

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Well that makes sense.

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'cause I love babies.

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I still do.

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I love my own babies.

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I love being a mom.

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It was the thing that I

love more than anything.

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And it's okay if that's not

your thing that you love more

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than anything, but it was mine.

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And I thought about how

I always played school.

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My mom said I would go to school and come

home and play school and be the teacher.

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And so that's kinda

like what I still love.

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And so I started writing about that

and thinking, well, by golly I kind

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of do know what I love and I loved

horses and animals, and that now I'm

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in this hobby farm and I, I really need

to, one of the things I've learned is

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I really wanna be in community with

other women, and I wanna have fun.

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So I, and I still need to remind myself

after everything that I've been through,

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that it's important for me to take

the time to have fun and like setting

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up a horse and getting it all ready.

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It's a little bit of work, right?

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It's not like just we're like soothing

ourselves to sit in front of the

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TV and that's the only fun we have.

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Remember what it was really like to run

and play, and you might just discover.

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What you love, and I want you

to know if you're not there.

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About two years ago, I was in

that spot where I had no idea

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and it kind of was an aha moment.

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It was my baby by far.

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She was my baby by far.

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It was her graduation, and I was,

and this was pre the diagnosis.

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I was just working, raising babies,

and I was the person who I thought

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I was so virtuous because I was

sacrificing my life for, for all.

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I went and it was at the, her

graduation was at the cathedral

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and it was a really hot night.

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And, and we were going and I was,

I thought, oh golly, you know, how

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is Sophia gonna handle this heat?

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She doesn't like heat,

it's gonna be so bad.

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And she got that big rob on.

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And then I was sitting there and I

thought, oh my gosh, my husband, he's

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gonna have to go to the bathroom.

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And we're way up here and I don't

even know where the bathrooms are.

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And I was sitting there consumed by.

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What does everybody else need?

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And it like hit me over their

head and I went, wait a minute.

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What am I feeling?

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And, and what do I need?

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And that was a really aha moment where

I realized I was really outta touch.

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And this is what I want you to know.

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I, you know, I love Jesus and I wanna

serve people, and I have learned.

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That God puts passions in you and

that you have to love yourself.

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Like you have to take care of yourself

before you can love and care for

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others the way they need to be.

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And sometimes that doesn't

mean doing everything for them.

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Sometimes it just means being a

happy human, supporting them, being

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a good example, supporting them.

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So I had that all mixed up, and I

feel like a lot of my friends do too.

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I feel like.

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We work so hard to make everyone else

happy, and we think it's naughty if

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we're, if we just wanna have fun and

it's not, God wants us to be joyful.

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And you know, even like the book

writing, I mean like I surrendered

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my life and I went, okay, I'm in God

and I'm having so much fun with it.

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Now, that doesn't mean that I'm not

working and that I don't have to like

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prioritize my time to sit down and write.

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But there's something so beautiful.

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It's like my gardening.

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I love to garden.

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It's super hard work

and it makes me happy.

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So it's not, I think we're in this

environment too, where so many,

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where I see younger gals really, or

like just like racing so that you

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can sit on the couch or I like love

to have a glass of wine at night.

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I used to just soothe myself with that and

now I'm finding that I can soothe myself.

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In other ways or through the day.

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So I don't know.

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I hope that's helpful.

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And the reason that it's so important

that I talk about that in this episode

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is because I think that's a really big

part of what you need in a marriage.

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I wish that I would have known this.

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35 years ago, you know,

when I was engaged.

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I'm so blessed that my

marriage ha it has continued.

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It's been work.

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It hasn't been easy.

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I have, I have screwed up things.

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He has screwed up things.

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Um, but now I'm just getting

at this point in my life to the

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happiest place I've ever been.

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And it's because I like get boundaries.

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Like I get that, um.

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The boundaries are for me and not

for anyone else, and I'm gonna

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share an example of a boundary with

my husband, and he's probably not

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gonna like it that I shared this

with you, but he doesn't listen to

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these, so let's just do it anyway.

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So I told him he snores like a bansi,

especially when he has a couple drinks.

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And so I told him.

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My sleep is really important

to me 'cause I feel so good.

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I don't, you know, I don't feel

depressed, I don't feel anxious.

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I have the energy to go do my stuff,

to be with my grandkids, to do my

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gardens and my horses and this work.

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And so I said, here's the deal.

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I am not going to be angry at you

and I'm not gonna be mean to you.

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But I want you to know that if you

go to golf league and you wanna have

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some drinks, that's fine, but you're

gonna go sleep in another bed because.

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It's really important that I

get my sleep and I won't sleep.

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If you're like, I mean, you guys,

the snoring is like a train wreck.

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So I'm kind of hoping that he will, um,

go in and get that checked out and he wore

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a thing for a while and got sick of it.

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So anyway, that's besides the point.

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So last night he came home from golf.

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And it was hard.

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And I said, remember, I don't want you

to be mad and I'm not mad, and I'm so

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glad that you had fun at golf, but I'm

not going to sleep with you tonight.

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And I think he was really, really

good about it, which I love because

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as I'm setting up these boundaries,

he's, things are getting better.

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He's not getting icky or mad.

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He, it's like it's working.

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And so, um.

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He was surprised because I am not one

that holds true to those boundaries.

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I am one who, you know, lets

blood to make other people happy.

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And you guys, I turned on Heartland.

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That's that cowboy show.

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And I laid in bed and watched

it, and then I listened to a

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podcast and I slept like a baby.

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And.

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I feel really, I kind of feel like

proud of myself and so I'm learning

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this stuff right along with you.

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But what I want you to know where at

whatever stage you are in, if you want a

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healthy marriage, set up those boundaries.

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You know, what makes you tick and

what, what makes you have a good life.

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And it's.

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Sleep is a big one.

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It's having fun.

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It's in community with people.

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It's a I and I for forget to say

this, of course I surrendered to God.

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God is the biggest part of this.

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Um, it's eating well and exercising.

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I mean, that's basically,

that's what it is.

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And so if anyone is

going to throw you off.

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Set up a boundary.

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They work and it feels kind of weird.

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I mean, especially like, I'm kind of

an old dog and it felt kind of weird

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to set up this boundary, but just

think if I would've done this years

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ago, I would have felt so much better.

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I wouldn't have been tired.

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I, um, would've been taking care of

myself so that like today I can be the

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sparkly human being that I am and wake

up and go for a walk and, you know,

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do my writing and do this podcast.

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So.

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I do believe that knowing yourself

and taking care of yourself and

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loving yourself is the most important

piece to a healthy marriage.

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So.

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I mean, and you know, I pray

and I pray for my husband, and

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I think that's very powerful.

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I always said that only 2% of couples

that pray together, um, get divorced.

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I.

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Well, I talked to a marriage and

family therapist a couple weeks

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ago and she said, that's bull.

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And then I looked it up.

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I'm like, dad is a little shaky on

whether that is really true science,

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but I want you to know I have done

that and I think, and I haven't done it

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every day, but I, that is my, my dream.

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I think if you can share your values

and have that connection time, that

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that is gonna be really helpful.

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And you wanna know what?

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It's okay that you grow

different a little bit.

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It doesn't mean it's the end.

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I don't wanna go to golf

league with my husband.

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Um, but I'm happy that he does and, and

he doesn't really wanna ride a horse

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with me, but he's happy that I do.

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So it doesn't have to be that

everything intermingles, it's

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kind of what works for you.

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So.

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I want you to know this too.

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There are so many resources out there

and I am hoping to build a course

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for young people, um, who are just.

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Getting married.

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Um, and then also for people

who have been divorced so that

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they don't end up there again.

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Because you know how we kinda continue

being who we are, um, unless we really

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look at it and make the changes.

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But I feel like this could

really change things.

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And I'm not gonna be Susie Sunshine

because I have a really good friend.

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Um.

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Who's been through a really hard

time and she had, um, a husband who

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had issues and when she would set

the boundary, it pushed him away.

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And that's hard.

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That's really hard.

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It didn't bring them together.

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So that can happen.

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So be prepared.

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But what I also want you to know.

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That it is the one thing that

I have seen help couples.

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When one person works on

themselves, the other person

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follows suit more often than not.

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So you've got if you can work on yourself

and that if you can work on yourself.

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It's not selfish because it makes

you able to go serve the world

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in the way God wants to use you.

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You are healthy and strong

and you can touch lives, um,

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in so many different ways.

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If you are feeling good, when you're

not feeling good or you're in a.

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Bad situation or you're tired, you, you're

not serving God and using your gifts

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and helping people or, you know, taking

the care of your family that you could.

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So that's not a lie.

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And I mean, that is a commandment.

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Love your neighbor as yourself.

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Well, I think sometimes I can forget

about that yourself as yourself.

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Um.

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So do your best not to forget that I'm

still learning, I'm still working on not

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judging people and just loving people.

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That is my whole thing.

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And, um, I just, I wanna help you

have a better life and have a better

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marriage and have a better divorce.

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I do this podcast

because I wanna help you.

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I don't love divorce, but I

know you, you don't either.

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It's hard and sometimes it's what needs

to happen and you can't help that.

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And so whether you're gonna end up

divorced or you're gonna stay in this

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great marriage or this semi good marriage

if you're taking care of yourself.

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It's going to make all

those things better.

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So please don't forget that.

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And you, if you wanna connect with

me, just email me, send me a note,

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um, through all my, either any of my

social media posts and I'm here for you.

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I wanna help you, and I am really

searching for how best to serve.

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Um, this.

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You know, all of you, all of

my listeners, this, this group

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of people, so reach out to me.

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I'm here and I wanna help.

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And, um, I'm so thankful

that I had this time.

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I would've never had this time to

share all this information if my, uh.

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Marriage and family therapist

would've popped on the call.

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I'm looking and I was stood up for the

first time in my whole recording history

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and I don't care because I think it was

meant to be and I'm not gonna judge her,

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uh, but I'm not gonna have her on again.

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So y'all just take care.

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Keep loving yourselves.

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Show artwork for Doing Divorce Different
A Podcast Guide to Doing Divorce Differently

About the Podcast

Doing Divorce Different A Podcast Guide to Doing Divorce Differently
Divorce, co-parenting, menopause, marriage, and starting over after 40—Doing Divorce Different is your guide to a healthy, faith filled life transition.

Hosted by Family Law Attorney and Mediator Lesa Koski, Doing Divorce Different is a candid, empowering podcast designed to take the fear out of divorce and guide you toward peace—whether you’re navigating a split, working to stay married, or rebuilding a better life after a major transition. Each week, Lesa brings heart-centered legal insight, emotional support, and holistic wisdom to help you heal, grow, and thrive.

We cover everything from amicable divorce and co-parenting strategies to parenting plans that actually work and support kids in thriving through change. You’ll learn how to prepare for marriage with prenups, revisit your relationship with post-nuptial agreements, and understand what it really takes to stay married or rekindle love after a rough season. If you're in the midst of a grey divorce, wondering how to not get divorced, or questioning whether love can be found again, this show is for you.

Lesa also explores the emotional and physical changes that often accompany midlife and major life shifts. From navigating the impact of menopause on your health, marriage, and mood, to dealing with the loneliness that can come after divorce or empty nesting, you’ll find honest conversations that don’t shy away from real-life challenges. And for those of you in your 40s, 50s, or beyond, you’ll discover what it means to truly build a better life after 40.

Health and wellness are deeply integrated into this journey. Lesa shares insights on the benefits of rest, joy, nutrition, fasting, protein, and bone health, along with the power of movement, community, and exercise to support mental clarity and physical strength. You’ll learn how to take care of yourself with intention—because healing isn’t just emotional, it’s also biological.

Mindset work and self-coaching are recurring tools offered in episodes to help you reframe your story and shift from fear to freedom. And through it all, the show honors the role of faith, spiritual surrender, and letting God lead you through every season. Whether you're leaning into your relationship with God for the first time or deepening a lifelong practice, you’ll hear how surrender can bring peace even in the hardest moments.

You’ll hear real stories from people who have done divorce differently, saved their marriages, or found new love and purpose on the other side. Lesa also brings in conversations about marriages that have stood the test of time, co-parenting through complex seasons, and the realities of parenting after separation while maintaining stability for your kids.

This is not just a podcast about divorce. Doing Divorce Different is about taking back your life, rewriting your future, and trusting that you’re not starting over, you’re starting better. If you’re craving practical advice, soul-level encouragement, and real conversations about creating a healthy, joyful, purpose-driven life, you’ve found your community.

Subscribe now and join Lesa Koski for weekly episodes that will help you grow stronger in your relationships, your health, and your faith, no matter where you’re starting from.

About the Host:
I’ve spent over 25 years helping families navigate amicable divorce as a lawyer and mediator, always focused on protecting what matters most—your kids and your peace of mind. But my mission has expanded. Today, I support women over 40 not just through endings, but in building stronger relationships—and sometimes even saving their marriages. I’m a breast cancer survivor, a cowgirl at heart, a wellness advocate, and a follower of Jesus. My life and faith fuel my passion for helping women thrive.

About your host

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Lesa Koski