The Power of Boundaries: Self-Care Lessons from 34 Years of Marriage
In this unique episode of 'Doing Divorce Different,' Lesa navigates an unexpected situation and shares profound insights on self-care and its importance in building stronger marriages. Drawing from her own experiences, including a 34-year marriage, a breast cancer journey, and personal growth, she discusses self-sacrifice, setting boundaries, and reconnecting with personal passions. Highlighting the significance of taking care of oneself to improve overall happiness and relationships, she offers practical advice and reflections aimed at both married and divorced listeners. This heartfelt and candid episode emphasizes the value of self-awareness, fun, and joy in life and relationships.
00:00 Introduction and Unexpected Situation
00:31 Reflecting on Personal Experiences
01:34 The Importance of Self-Care
03:03 Discovering Personal Joys
08:55 Setting Boundaries in Marriage
11:51 Building a Healthy Relationship
16:50 Conclusion and Final Thoughts
Transcript
Welcome listeners.
2
:I am so thankful that you're here
and I'm doing something a little
3
:crazy pants, um, over here at
doing divorce Different today.
4
:Something that I've never done.
5
:Um, and it may make you giggle, but I
may have just been stood up, uh, for the
6
:first time ever in my podcast career.
7
:And, you know, I have kind of
been doing this a while now.
8
:She may just be late and, um.
9
:We're gonna be okay with that, and we're
gonna invite her in if she does join us.
10
:But it was interesting because as I was
sitting here, I was thinking through
11
:why I reached out to this particular
person, why I wanted her on the podcast,
12
:what I wanted to learn from it, and
what I wanted to share with you.
13
:And.
14
:I think that I can share all of it
with you myself from my 34-year-old
15
:marriage, from my journey through
catching that stage one breast cancer.
16
:From all the hard things I've been
through, I've learned a lot and I
17
:feel like I can share it with you.
18
:So what today is all about, I first
want to chat with her a little
19
:bit about, um, how we as women.
20
:S do so much self-sacrificing and
how we think of it as a virtue.
21
:And you know what, I think it
may have been one of the things
22
:that led me, um, through my
difficult journey, uh, of healing.
23
:You know, I mean, it was good.
24
:I'm glad I went through it, but I
wanna help you with this if I can.
25
:And the reason it's imp
important to talk about.
26
:On a divorce podcast is because you, women
are like me, you're, you're my friends.
27
:You might be a little bit younger, you
might be a little bit older, but we travel
28
:through this and we all face hard things.
29
:And if you are looking at.
30
:A divorce, staring at it in the
face if you've been divorced and
31
:want to get married again, and wanna
know what do I need to do to have
32
:a strong marriage in the future?
33
:Because you don't wanna end up.
34
:Back in the boat where you
are or if you're a youngin.
35
:I love these young women who know the
work that I do, and they come running
36
:up to me at baby showers and wedding
showers and they say, you do that podcast.
37
:Um, tell us what, what
can we do to stay married?
38
:So this is for all of you out there, and
it's so fun that I have this opportunity
39
:to talk to you about this because some
of you may know, um, and I don't talk
40
:about it a lot because I am, I just
wanna work on it and not talk about it.
41
:And when it's done, I'll let you know.
42
:But I'm so excited because I've
worked with Bob Goff and I'm gonna
43
:continue to work with him on a book.
44
:Part of what I'm doing is writing stories.
45
:It's, it's what you do when you
want a really good book that, yeah,
46
:it, it can compete with chat, GPTE
or AI because they're your story.
47
:So I'm in the process of writing
like 90 stories, and as I was writing
48
:this morning, it came into my mind
what we're talking about today
49
:about self-sacrificing and how.
50
:I think sometimes we don't
even know what we want.
51
:So if you're that woman who's
sitting there and going, I don't
52
:even really know what I like to
do, you're in the right place.
53
:If you're that woman that says, I
wanna have a strong marriage, I'm
54
:in a marriage and I want a strong
marriage, you're in the right place.
55
:If you've been divorced and wanna
have a, a good marriage, if you've
56
:never been married and wanna have a
good marriage, I think this is going
57
:to be really helpful for all of us.
58
:So.
59
:Here's the deal.
60
:As I was writing, I was writing stories
from my childhood, and you know how we.
61
:All can remember fun
things we did as a child.
62
:And sometimes that fun
changes right as we get older.
63
:Like I thought about, my gosh,
I loved camping as a kid.
64
:I liked the kind of camping where I
was with all my aunties and cousins
65
:and it was at a campsite and we
rode a bike and you know, we played,
66
:there was a little store and there
was a beach and it was just so fun.
67
:And then when I went camping
with my dad, who had a totally.
68
:Different perspective.
69
:And I'm so glad that I had that
opportunity in the boundary
70
:waters far away from any kind
of toilet or walking paths.
71
:I mean, you were stuck
on your little island.
72
:You had portages.
73
:It was hard work.
74
:Um, that one, that kind of camping
isn't really for me, but I'm glad that I
75
:experienced it because I know, so, okay.
76
:Okay.
77
:I can remember that I did like camping.
78
:Um.
79
:Under certain circumstances and for not
too long a period of time, I thought about
80
:how as a child I love playing with babies.
81
:Well that makes sense.
82
:'cause I love babies.
83
:I still do.
84
:I love my own babies.
85
:I love being a mom.
86
:It was the thing that I
love more than anything.
87
:And it's okay if that's not
your thing that you love more
88
:than anything, but it was mine.
89
:And I thought about how
I always played school.
90
:My mom said I would go to school and come
home and play school and be the teacher.
91
:And so that's kinda
like what I still love.
92
:And so I started writing about that
and thinking, well, by golly I kind
93
:of do know what I love and I loved
horses and animals, and that now I'm
94
:in this hobby farm and I, I really need
to, one of the things I've learned is
95
:I really wanna be in community with
other women, and I wanna have fun.
96
:So I, and I still need to remind myself
after everything that I've been through,
97
:that it's important for me to take
the time to have fun and like setting
98
:up a horse and getting it all ready.
99
:It's a little bit of work, right?
100
:It's not like just we're like soothing
ourselves to sit in front of the
101
:TV and that's the only fun we have.
102
:Remember what it was really like to run
and play, and you might just discover.
103
:What you love, and I want you
to know if you're not there.
104
:About two years ago, I was in
that spot where I had no idea
105
:and it kind of was an aha moment.
106
:It was my baby by far.
107
:She was my baby by far.
108
:It was her graduation, and I was,
and this was pre the diagnosis.
109
:I was just working, raising babies,
and I was the person who I thought
110
:I was so virtuous because I was
sacrificing my life for, for all.
111
:I went and it was at the, her
graduation was at the cathedral
112
:and it was a really hot night.
113
:And, and we were going and I was,
I thought, oh golly, you know, how
114
:is Sophia gonna handle this heat?
115
:She doesn't like heat,
it's gonna be so bad.
116
:And she got that big rob on.
117
:And then I was sitting there and I
thought, oh my gosh, my husband, he's
118
:gonna have to go to the bathroom.
119
:And we're way up here and I don't
even know where the bathrooms are.
120
:And I was sitting there consumed by.
121
:What does everybody else need?
122
:And it like hit me over their
head and I went, wait a minute.
123
:What am I feeling?
124
:And, and what do I need?
125
:And that was a really aha moment where
I realized I was really outta touch.
126
:And this is what I want you to know.
127
:I, you know, I love Jesus and I wanna
serve people, and I have learned.
128
:That God puts passions in you and
that you have to love yourself.
129
:Like you have to take care of yourself
before you can love and care for
130
:others the way they need to be.
131
:And sometimes that doesn't
mean doing everything for them.
132
:Sometimes it just means being a
happy human, supporting them, being
133
:a good example, supporting them.
134
:So I had that all mixed up, and I
feel like a lot of my friends do too.
135
:I feel like.
136
:We work so hard to make everyone else
happy, and we think it's naughty if
137
:we're, if we just wanna have fun and
it's not, God wants us to be joyful.
138
:And you know, even like the book
writing, I mean like I surrendered
139
:my life and I went, okay, I'm in God
and I'm having so much fun with it.
140
:Now, that doesn't mean that I'm not
working and that I don't have to like
141
:prioritize my time to sit down and write.
142
:But there's something so beautiful.
143
:It's like my gardening.
144
:I love to garden.
145
:It's super hard work
and it makes me happy.
146
:So it's not, I think we're in this
environment too, where so many,
147
:where I see younger gals really, or
like just like racing so that you
148
:can sit on the couch or I like love
to have a glass of wine at night.
149
:I used to just soothe myself with that and
now I'm finding that I can soothe myself.
150
:In other ways or through the day.
151
:So I don't know.
152
:I hope that's helpful.
153
:And the reason that it's so important
that I talk about that in this episode
154
:is because I think that's a really big
part of what you need in a marriage.
155
:I wish that I would have known this.
156
:35 years ago, you know,
when I was engaged.
157
:I'm so blessed that my
marriage ha it has continued.
158
:It's been work.
159
:It hasn't been easy.
160
:I have, I have screwed up things.
161
:He has screwed up things.
162
:Um, but now I'm just getting
at this point in my life to the
163
:happiest place I've ever been.
164
:And it's because I like get boundaries.
165
:Like I get that, um.
166
:The boundaries are for me and not
for anyone else, and I'm gonna
167
:share an example of a boundary with
my husband, and he's probably not
168
:gonna like it that I shared this
with you, but he doesn't listen to
169
:these, so let's just do it anyway.
170
:So I told him he snores like a bansi,
especially when he has a couple drinks.
171
:And so I told him.
172
:My sleep is really important
to me 'cause I feel so good.
173
:I don't, you know, I don't feel
depressed, I don't feel anxious.
174
:I have the energy to go do my stuff,
to be with my grandkids, to do my
175
:gardens and my horses and this work.
176
:And so I said, here's the deal.
177
:I am not going to be angry at you
and I'm not gonna be mean to you.
178
:But I want you to know that if you
go to golf league and you wanna have
179
:some drinks, that's fine, but you're
gonna go sleep in another bed because.
180
:It's really important that I
get my sleep and I won't sleep.
181
:If you're like, I mean, you guys,
the snoring is like a train wreck.
182
:So I'm kind of hoping that he will, um,
go in and get that checked out and he wore
183
:a thing for a while and got sick of it.
184
:So anyway, that's besides the point.
185
:So last night he came home from golf.
186
:And it was hard.
187
:And I said, remember, I don't want you
to be mad and I'm not mad, and I'm so
188
:glad that you had fun at golf, but I'm
not going to sleep with you tonight.
189
:And I think he was really, really
good about it, which I love because
190
:as I'm setting up these boundaries,
he's, things are getting better.
191
:He's not getting icky or mad.
192
:He, it's like it's working.
193
:And so, um.
194
:He was surprised because I am not one
that holds true to those boundaries.
195
:I am one who, you know, lets
blood to make other people happy.
196
:And you guys, I turned on Heartland.
197
:That's that cowboy show.
198
:And I laid in bed and watched
it, and then I listened to a
199
:podcast and I slept like a baby.
200
:And.
201
:I feel really, I kind of feel like
proud of myself and so I'm learning
202
:this stuff right along with you.
203
:But what I want you to know where at
whatever stage you are in, if you want a
204
:healthy marriage, set up those boundaries.
205
:You know, what makes you tick and
what, what makes you have a good life.
206
:And it's.
207
:Sleep is a big one.
208
:It's having fun.
209
:It's in community with people.
210
:It's a I and I for forget to say
this, of course I surrendered to God.
211
:God is the biggest part of this.
212
:Um, it's eating well and exercising.
213
:I mean, that's basically,
that's what it is.
214
:And so if anyone is
going to throw you off.
215
:Set up a boundary.
216
:They work and it feels kind of weird.
217
:I mean, especially like, I'm kind of
an old dog and it felt kind of weird
218
:to set up this boundary, but just
think if I would've done this years
219
:ago, I would have felt so much better.
220
:I wouldn't have been tired.
221
:I, um, would've been taking care of
myself so that like today I can be the
222
:sparkly human being that I am and wake
up and go for a walk and, you know,
223
:do my writing and do this podcast.
224
:So.
225
:I do believe that knowing yourself
and taking care of yourself and
226
:loving yourself is the most important
piece to a healthy marriage.
227
:So.
228
:I mean, and you know, I pray
and I pray for my husband, and
229
:I think that's very powerful.
230
:I always said that only 2% of couples
that pray together, um, get divorced.
231
:I.
232
:Well, I talked to a marriage and
family therapist a couple weeks
233
:ago and she said, that's bull.
234
:And then I looked it up.
235
:I'm like, dad is a little shaky on
whether that is really true science,
236
:but I want you to know I have done
that and I think, and I haven't done it
237
:every day, but I, that is my, my dream.
238
:I think if you can share your values
and have that connection time, that
239
:that is gonna be really helpful.
240
:And you wanna know what?
241
:It's okay that you grow
different a little bit.
242
:It doesn't mean it's the end.
243
:I don't wanna go to golf
league with my husband.
244
:Um, but I'm happy that he does and, and
he doesn't really wanna ride a horse
245
:with me, but he's happy that I do.
246
:So it doesn't have to be that
everything intermingles, it's
247
:kind of what works for you.
248
:So.
249
:I want you to know this too.
250
:There are so many resources out there
and I am hoping to build a course
251
:for young people, um, who are just.
252
:Getting married.
253
:Um, and then also for people
who have been divorced so that
254
:they don't end up there again.
255
:Because you know how we kinda continue
being who we are, um, unless we really
256
:look at it and make the changes.
257
:But I feel like this could
really change things.
258
:And I'm not gonna be Susie Sunshine
because I have a really good friend.
259
:Um.
260
:Who's been through a really hard
time and she had, um, a husband who
261
:had issues and when she would set
the boundary, it pushed him away.
262
:And that's hard.
263
:That's really hard.
264
:It didn't bring them together.
265
:So that can happen.
266
:So be prepared.
267
:But what I also want you to know.
268
:That it is the one thing that
I have seen help couples.
269
:When one person works on
themselves, the other person
270
:follows suit more often than not.
271
:So you've got if you can work on yourself
and that if you can work on yourself.
272
:It's not selfish because it makes
you able to go serve the world
273
:in the way God wants to use you.
274
:You are healthy and strong
and you can touch lives, um,
275
:in so many different ways.
276
:If you are feeling good, when you're
not feeling good or you're in a.
277
:Bad situation or you're tired, you, you're
not serving God and using your gifts
278
:and helping people or, you know, taking
the care of your family that you could.
279
:So that's not a lie.
280
:And I mean, that is a commandment.
281
:Love your neighbor as yourself.
282
:Well, I think sometimes I can forget
about that yourself as yourself.
283
:Um.
284
:So do your best not to forget that I'm
still learning, I'm still working on not
285
:judging people and just loving people.
286
:That is my whole thing.
287
:And, um, I just, I wanna help you
have a better life and have a better
288
:marriage and have a better divorce.
289
:I do this podcast
because I wanna help you.
290
:I don't love divorce, but I
know you, you don't either.
291
:It's hard and sometimes it's what needs
to happen and you can't help that.
292
:And so whether you're gonna end up
divorced or you're gonna stay in this
293
:great marriage or this semi good marriage
if you're taking care of yourself.
294
:It's going to make all
those things better.
295
:So please don't forget that.
296
:And you, if you wanna connect with
me, just email me, send me a note,
297
:um, through all my, either any of my
social media posts and I'm here for you.
298
:I wanna help you, and I am really
searching for how best to serve.
299
:Um, this.
300
:You know, all of you, all of
my listeners, this, this group
301
:of people, so reach out to me.
302
:I'm here and I wanna help.
303
:And, um, I'm so thankful
that I had this time.
304
:I would've never had this time to
share all this information if my, uh.
305
:Marriage and family therapist
would've popped on the call.
306
:I'm looking and I was stood up for the
first time in my whole recording history
307
:and I don't care because I think it was
meant to be and I'm not gonna judge her,
308
:uh, but I'm not gonna have her on again.
309
:So y'all just take care.
310
:Keep loving yourselves.