The Power of Boundaries: Self-Care Lessons from 34 Years of Marriage

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Welcome listeners.

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I am so thankful that you're here

and I'm doing something a little

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crazy pants, um, over here at

doing divorce Different today.

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Something that I've never done.

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Um, and it may make you giggle, but I

may have just been stood up, uh, for the

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first time ever in my podcast career.

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And, you know, I have kind of

been doing this a while now.

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She may just be late and, um.

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We're gonna be okay with that, and we're

gonna invite her in if she does join us.

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But it was interesting because as I was

sitting here, I was thinking through

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why I reached out to this particular

person, why I wanted her on the podcast,

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what I wanted to learn from it, and

what I wanted to share with you.

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And.

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I think that I can share all of it

with you myself from my 34-year-old

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marriage, from my journey through

catching that stage one breast cancer.

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From all the hard things I've been

through, I've learned a lot and I

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feel like I can share it with you.

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So what today is all about, I first

want to chat with her a little

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bit about, um, how we as women.

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S do so much self-sacrificing and

how we think of it as a virtue.

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And you know what, I think it

may have been one of the things

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that led me, um, through my

difficult journey, uh, of healing.

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You know, I mean, it was good.

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I'm glad I went through it, but I

wanna help you with this if I can.

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And the reason it's imp

important to talk about.

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On a divorce podcast is because you, women

are like me, you're, you're my friends.

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You might be a little bit younger, you

might be a little bit older, but we travel

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through this and we all face hard things.

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And if you are looking at.

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A divorce, staring at it in the

face if you've been divorced and

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want to get married again, and wanna

know what do I need to do to have

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a strong marriage in the future?

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Because you don't wanna end up.

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Back in the boat where you

are or if you're a youngin.

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I love these young women who know the

work that I do, and they come running

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up to me at baby showers and wedding

showers and they say, you do that podcast.

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Um, tell us what, what

can we do to stay married?

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So this is for all of you out there, and

it's so fun that I have this opportunity

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to talk to you about this because some

of you may know, um, and I don't talk

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about it a lot because I am, I just

wanna work on it and not talk about it.

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And when it's done, I'll let you know.

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But I'm so excited because I've

worked with Bob Goff and I'm gonna

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continue to work with him on a book.

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Part of what I'm doing is writing stories.

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It's, it's what you do when you

want a really good book that, yeah,

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it, it can compete with chat, GPTE

or AI because they're your story.

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So I'm in the process of writing

like 90 stories, and as I was writing

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this morning, it came into my mind

what we're talking about today

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about self-sacrificing and how.

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I think sometimes we don't

even know what we want.

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So if you're that woman who's

sitting there and going, I don't

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even really know what I like to

do, you're in the right place.

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If you're that woman that says, I

wanna have a strong marriage, I'm

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in a marriage and I want a strong

marriage, you're in the right place.

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If you've been divorced and wanna

have a, a good marriage, if you've

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never been married and wanna have a

good marriage, I think this is going

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to be really helpful for all of us.

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So.

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Here's the deal.

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As I was writing, I was writing stories

from my childhood, and you know how we.

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All can remember fun

things we did as a child.

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And sometimes that fun

changes right as we get older.

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Like I thought about, my gosh,

I loved camping as a kid.

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I liked the kind of camping where I

was with all my aunties and cousins

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and it was at a campsite and we

rode a bike and you know, we played,

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there was a little store and there

was a beach and it was just so fun.

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And then when I went camping

with my dad, who had a totally.

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Different perspective.

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And I'm so glad that I had that

opportunity in the boundary

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waters far away from any kind

of toilet or walking paths.

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I mean, you were stuck

on your little island.

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You had portages.

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It was hard work.

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Um, that one, that kind of camping

isn't really for me, but I'm glad that I

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experienced it because I know, so, okay.

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Okay.

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I can remember that I did like camping.

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Um.

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Under certain circumstances and for not

too long a period of time, I thought about

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how as a child I love playing with babies.

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Well that makes sense.

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'cause I love babies.

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I still do.

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I love my own babies.

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I love being a mom.

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It was the thing that I

love more than anything.

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And it's okay if that's not

your thing that you love more

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than anything, but it was mine.

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And I thought about how

I always played school.

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My mom said I would go to school and come

home and play school and be the teacher.

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And so that's kinda

like what I still love.

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And so I started writing about that

and thinking, well, by golly I kind

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of do know what I love and I loved

horses and animals, and that now I'm

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in this hobby farm and I, I really need

to, one of the things I've learned is

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I really wanna be in community with

other women, and I wanna have fun.

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So I, and I still need to remind myself

after everything that I've been through,

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that it's important for me to take

the time to have fun and like setting

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up a horse and getting it all ready.

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It's a little bit of work, right?

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It's not like just we're like soothing

ourselves to sit in front of the

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TV and that's the only fun we have.

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Remember what it was really like to run

and play, and you might just discover.

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What you love, and I want you

to know if you're not there.

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About two years ago, I was in

that spot where I had no idea

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and it kind of was an aha moment.

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It was my baby by far.

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She was my baby by far.

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It was her graduation, and I was,

and this was pre the diagnosis.

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I was just working, raising babies,

and I was the person who I thought

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I was so virtuous because I was

sacrificing my life for, for all.

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I went and it was at the, her

graduation was at the cathedral

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and it was a really hot night.

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And, and we were going and I was,

I thought, oh golly, you know, how

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is Sophia gonna handle this heat?

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She doesn't like heat,

it's gonna be so bad.

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And she got that big rob on.

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And then I was sitting there and I

thought, oh my gosh, my husband, he's

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gonna have to go to the bathroom.

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And we're way up here and I don't

even know where the bathrooms are.

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And I was sitting there consumed by.

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What does everybody else need?

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And it like hit me over their

head and I went, wait a minute.

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What am I feeling?

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And, and what do I need?

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And that was a really aha moment where

I realized I was really outta touch.

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And this is what I want you to know.

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I, you know, I love Jesus and I wanna

serve people, and I have learned.

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That God puts passions in you and

that you have to love yourself.

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Like you have to take care of yourself

before you can love and care for

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others the way they need to be.

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And sometimes that doesn't

mean doing everything for them.

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Sometimes it just means being a

happy human, supporting them, being

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a good example, supporting them.

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So I had that all mixed up, and I

feel like a lot of my friends do too.

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I feel like.

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We work so hard to make everyone else

happy, and we think it's naughty if

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we're, if we just wanna have fun and

it's not, God wants us to be joyful.

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And you know, even like the book

writing, I mean like I surrendered

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my life and I went, okay, I'm in God

and I'm having so much fun with it.

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Now, that doesn't mean that I'm not

working and that I don't have to like

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prioritize my time to sit down and write.

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But there's something so beautiful.

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It's like my gardening.

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I love to garden.

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It's super hard work

and it makes me happy.

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So it's not, I think we're in this

environment too, where so many,

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where I see younger gals really, or

like just like racing so that you

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can sit on the couch or I like love

to have a glass of wine at night.

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I used to just soothe myself with that and

now I'm finding that I can soothe myself.

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In other ways or through the day.

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So I don't know.

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I hope that's helpful.

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And the reason that it's so important

that I talk about that in this episode

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is because I think that's a really big

part of what you need in a marriage.

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I wish that I would have known this.

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35 years ago, you know,

when I was engaged.

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I'm so blessed that my

marriage ha it has continued.

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It's been work.

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It hasn't been easy.

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I have, I have screwed up things.

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He has screwed up things.

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Um, but now I'm just getting

at this point in my life to the

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happiest place I've ever been.

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And it's because I like get boundaries.

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Like I get that, um.

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The boundaries are for me and not

for anyone else, and I'm gonna

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share an example of a boundary with

my husband, and he's probably not

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gonna like it that I shared this

with you, but he doesn't listen to

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these, so let's just do it anyway.

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So I told him he snores like a bansi,

especially when he has a couple drinks.

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And so I told him.

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My sleep is really important

to me 'cause I feel so good.

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I don't, you know, I don't feel

depressed, I don't feel anxious.

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I have the energy to go do my stuff,

to be with my grandkids, to do my

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gardens and my horses and this work.

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And so I said, here's the deal.

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I am not going to be angry at you

and I'm not gonna be mean to you.

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But I want you to know that if you

go to golf league and you wanna have

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some drinks, that's fine, but you're

gonna go sleep in another bed because.

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It's really important that I

get my sleep and I won't sleep.

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If you're like, I mean, you guys,

the snoring is like a train wreck.

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So I'm kind of hoping that he will, um,

go in and get that checked out and he wore

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a thing for a while and got sick of it.

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So anyway, that's besides the point.

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So last night he came home from golf.

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And it was hard.

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And I said, remember, I don't want you

to be mad and I'm not mad, and I'm so

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glad that you had fun at golf, but I'm

not going to sleep with you tonight.

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And I think he was really, really

good about it, which I love because

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as I'm setting up these boundaries,

he's, things are getting better.

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He's not getting icky or mad.

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He, it's like it's working.

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And so, um.

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He was surprised because I am not one

that holds true to those boundaries.

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I am one who, you know, lets

blood to make other people happy.

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And you guys, I turned on Heartland.

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That's that cowboy show.

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And I laid in bed and watched

it, and then I listened to a

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podcast and I slept like a baby.

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And.

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I feel really, I kind of feel like

proud of myself and so I'm learning

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this stuff right along with you.

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But what I want you to know where at

whatever stage you are in, if you want a

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healthy marriage, set up those boundaries.

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You know, what makes you tick and

what, what makes you have a good life.

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And it's.

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Sleep is a big one.

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It's having fun.

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It's in community with people.

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It's a I and I for forget to say

this, of course I surrendered to God.

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God is the biggest part of this.

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Um, it's eating well and exercising.

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I mean, that's basically,

that's what it is.

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And so if anyone is

going to throw you off.

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Set up a boundary.

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They work and it feels kind of weird.

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I mean, especially like, I'm kind of

an old dog and it felt kind of weird

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to set up this boundary, but just

think if I would've done this years

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ago, I would have felt so much better.

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I wouldn't have been tired.

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I, um, would've been taking care of

myself so that like today I can be the

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sparkly human being that I am and wake

up and go for a walk and, you know,

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do my writing and do this podcast.

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So.

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I do believe that knowing yourself

and taking care of yourself and

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loving yourself is the most important

piece to a healthy marriage.

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So.

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I mean, and you know, I pray

and I pray for my husband, and

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I think that's very powerful.

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I always said that only 2% of couples

that pray together, um, get divorced.

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I.

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Well, I talked to a marriage and

family therapist a couple weeks

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ago and she said, that's bull.

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And then I looked it up.

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I'm like, dad is a little shaky on

whether that is really true science,

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but I want you to know I have done

that and I think, and I haven't done it

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every day, but I, that is my, my dream.

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I think if you can share your values

and have that connection time, that

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that is gonna be really helpful.

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And you wanna know what?

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It's okay that you grow

different a little bit.

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It doesn't mean it's the end.

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I don't wanna go to golf

league with my husband.

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Um, but I'm happy that he does and, and

he doesn't really wanna ride a horse

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with me, but he's happy that I do.

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So it doesn't have to be that

everything intermingles, it's

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kind of what works for you.

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So.

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I want you to know this too.

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There are so many resources out there

and I am hoping to build a course

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for young people, um, who are just.

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Getting married.

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Um, and then also for people

who have been divorced so that

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they don't end up there again.

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Because you know how we kinda continue

being who we are, um, unless we really

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look at it and make the changes.

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But I feel like this could

really change things.

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And I'm not gonna be Susie Sunshine

because I have a really good friend.

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Um.

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Who's been through a really hard

time and she had, um, a husband who

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had issues and when she would set

the boundary, it pushed him away.

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And that's hard.

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That's really hard.

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It didn't bring them together.

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So that can happen.

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So be prepared.

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But what I also want you to know.

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That it is the one thing that

I have seen help couples.

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When one person works on

themselves, the other person

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follows suit more often than not.

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So you've got if you can work on yourself

and that if you can work on yourself.

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It's not selfish because it makes

you able to go serve the world

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in the way God wants to use you.

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You are healthy and strong

and you can touch lives, um,

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in so many different ways.

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If you are feeling good, when you're

not feeling good or you're in a.

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Bad situation or you're tired, you, you're

not serving God and using your gifts

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and helping people or, you know, taking

the care of your family that you could.

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So that's not a lie.

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And I mean, that is a commandment.

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Love your neighbor as yourself.

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Well, I think sometimes I can forget

about that yourself as yourself.

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Um.

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So do your best not to forget that I'm

still learning, I'm still working on not

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judging people and just loving people.

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That is my whole thing.

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And, um, I just, I wanna help you

have a better life and have a better

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marriage and have a better divorce.

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I do this podcast

because I wanna help you.

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I don't love divorce, but I

know you, you don't either.

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It's hard and sometimes it's what needs

to happen and you can't help that.

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And so whether you're gonna end up

divorced or you're gonna stay in this

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great marriage or this semi good marriage

if you're taking care of yourself.

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It's going to make all

those things better.

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So please don't forget that.

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And you, if you wanna connect with

me, just email me, send me a note,

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um, through all my, either any of my

social media posts and I'm here for you.

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I wanna help you, and I am really

searching for how best to serve.

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Um, this.

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You know, all of you, all of

my listeners, this, this group

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of people, so reach out to me.

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I'm here and I wanna help.

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And, um, I'm so thankful

that I had this time.

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I would've never had this time to

share all this information if my, uh.

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Marriage and family therapist

would've popped on the call.

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I'm looking and I was stood up for the

first time in my whole recording history

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and I don't care because I think it was

meant to be and I'm not gonna judge her,

308

: 00:18:04

uh, but I'm not gonna have her on again.

309

: 00:18:07

So y'all just take care.

310

: 00:18:09

Keep loving yourselves.