Understanding and Connecting with Your Kids During Divorce: Insights from 'In Their Shoes' Author
Today I am honored to have author and communication specialist Lauren Reitsema on the show. Lauren has a wealth of knowledge when it comes to preparing children for divorce and starting a new relationship post divorce. Lauren gives wonderful advice about talking with children and what information to provide them with as you are in the beginning steps of a divorce. She also talks about the importance of taking ownership and understanding what areas you may have to work on after the divorce, even if it’s just 1%. Tune in for tips on how to make a divorce a little bit easier with children.
In this episode:
[2:35] How Lauren came to be a communication expert in this field. [6:07] What was the path that Lauren’s parents went through during their 2 year separation and what brought them to the decision to divorce? [11:26] Lauren shares her advice for parents telling their children that they are getting a divorce. [17:50] How should you make decisions about dating and introducing children to a dating relationship? [24:14] How can we find hope post divorce that our next relationship will be healthy and successful? [27:09] What does it mean to take ownership in the divorce?
Key Takeaways:
The human spirit wants peace, connection, and a world where everyone is truly being kind and loving well, but very few of us are shown resources on how to do this. Kids want to know, they want to understand what is happening, so be clear to them, give them dates and other concrete information that they can know and be aware of. Hiding it and just continuing on with life without having a conversation on the why leaves the children feeling lost and confused. In order to move forward with life post divorce and even into new relationships, take the time to find ownership in your part of the divorce, and reflect on what you can work on/improve so you are equipped to move on and have a different relationship in the future.
Quotes:
“If you can see those two relationships totally independently, I think you'll have more success. Nurture the romantic context, the romantic adult boundaries as you would, and allow the children to kind of date you as well in their own time, at their own pace, with their own language and core. Because if you immediately project that you care about them like you do for their parent, it's seen in most cases as very dishonest and a little bit presumptuous.” - Lauren Reitsema
“Look at yourself with a very objective lens. Find some people who you can hear hard things from and say, ‘what did I do that contributed to this in a way that I know I need to change before another person enters in’ because the other person that you find is not gonna be the magic pill that makes your life harmonious.” - Lauren Reitsema
Guest Bio:
Lauren’s interest in relationship skills began when her parents divorced after almost 20 years of marriage. Seeking to understand better patterns for her own future legacy, she earned a Bachelor’s degree in Communication Studies from TCU. Lauren is the author of In Their Shoes, a book dedicated to helping parents better understand and connect with children of divorce. Her newest book, Relationship Essentials, released November 16th, 2021 and features skills to help people feel heard, fight fair, and set boundaries in all areas of life. Lauren is the Interim President of The Center for Relationship Education, headquartered in Denver, CO, and her vocational speaking experience spans over 20 years. She teaches a variety of relationship skills to teens, adults and corporate teams.
Resources:
In Their Shoes by Lauren Reitsema
Lesa Koski Website Lesa’s Online Courses To receive real-time alerts that your child is safe and to receive $50 off your Soberlink device, visit https://www.soberlink.com/partners/different
The Onward app was made for divorced parents to help track, share, and split their children's expenses. Download The Onward App today for iOS or Android!
Mentioned in this episode:
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