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Published on:

1st Oct 2024

Divorce Detox: Rebuild, Heal, and Date with Purpose

In this podcast episode, Lesa Koski interviews Laurie Gerber, a renowned relationship coach who has appeared on shows like Dr. Phil and MTV. Laurie shares her personal journey overcoming marital challenges using the Handel Method, which she now teaches. The discussion delves into vital topics such as dating after divorce, the importance of self-work, and maintaining a healthy relationship. Laurie outlines a detailed 'Divorce Detox' with six crucial steps to regain emotional and spiritual health post-divorce before diving back into the dating scene. She also introduces her Head-Heart-Hoo Ha (3H) framework for finding the right partner and emphasizes the importance of mindful and efficient dating practices. Laurie offers resources and strategies for those eager to start their journey toward a fulfilling and healthy love life. For more insights, listeners are encouraged to join Lori on the Saddle Up Live podcast for a deeper dive into maintaining long-term relationships.

00:00 Welcome and Introduction

01:10 Meet Lori Gerber: A Journey in Coaching

03:52 The Importance of Self-Work Before Dating

08:19 The Divorce Detox: Steps to Emotional Healing

14:04 Phases of Post-Divorce Dating

17:11 Determining and Changing Your Type

18:50 Efficient and Purposeful Dating

20:37 Conclusion and Next Steps

For more of Laurie's dating resources check out her FREE webinar:

 "3 Secrets to Finding and Maintaining Healthy Love without Repeated Disappointments"


Learn:

✓How to be Ready to Date Like You Mean It in 30 Days or Less
✓The #1 Ingredient to Finding A Suitable Companion without Repeated Disappointment
✓Essential Elements to Effective Communication even about the Most Awkward Topics
✓PLUS: The Key to Finding Your Soulmate in Way Less Dates!


REGISTER HERE: www.lauriegerber.com/webinar



lauriegerbercoach@gmail.com www.lauriegerber.com 

https://www.linkedin.com/in/lauriegerber/

https://www.facebook.com/groups/loveasaverb

https://www.instagram.com/lauriegerber_coach/?hl=en

Find Lesa at Lesakoski.com

@lesakoski

Transcript
Speaker:

Welcome listeners.

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I am so thrilled to have you here today

and you are going to love today's podcast.

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I am so fortunate to

have Lori Gerber with me.

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And honestly, Lori, Lori's a new

friend and I'm a little starstruck.

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Because I was looking at you

and you've like been on Dr.

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Phil and have you been like on

an MTV show and everything too?

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I made an A& E show and an

MTV show back in the day.

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Yeah, I love it.

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And so here I am little old me getting to

interview you, which is a big deal to me.

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And it's going to be so

great for my listeners.

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And so today I'm doing divorce different

where you are going to talk about.

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Dating after divorce and how to maybe

not make the same mistakes again.

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Exactly.

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You know, to work on yourself.

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So, but what I want y'all to

know is that on my saddle up

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a live podcast, I've got Lori.

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Coming on that one too.

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And we are going to talk about keeping the

fire burning, you know, in your marriage.

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So if you're interested and want to

hear more pop over to that one too.

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So Lori, thank you for being here.

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And I love to start out with your

authentic story to what led you

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down this path to help people

with dating and relationships.

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Well, thank you for having me.

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I was personally influenced by

the exact coaching method that I

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now teach today, 20 years later.

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I, myself, came to coaching for a very,

uh, socially acceptable purpose of, uh,

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Expanding my business and helping me with

my career and my coach, Lauren Handel

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Zander, who teaches the Handel Method,

which is the method that I teach, took

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one look at my love life and she said,

I wouldn't focus on your career first.

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I think you're tanking your marriage

and I don't suggest you let that happen.

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Uh, I, I would look there first.

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I would look at your relationship

with food, your relationship to

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sugar, your relationship to yourself,

and your relationship to your dear

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husband, who at the time I had been

with 10 years already at the time,

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before looking at your career.

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And I thought, who does she think she is?

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Exactly who does she think she is?

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But I could not argue, and I still talk to

this woman almost every day, and I think

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to myself, Who does she think she is?

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But I cannot argue, because

she makes amazing points.

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And I am very glad to continue on in her

footsteps, teaching the same method that

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she taught me to save my marriage, and

to continue to make my marriage great.

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I'm now in year 31 with my husband,

and we use the tools we learned in

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that coaching every single day, still.

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Still like today, not exaggerating.

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So I love teaching it and I love

teaching it because it worked for

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me because it does work and because

I need to remember it every day.

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So how lucky am I that I get to make

a career doing something I personally

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need to be talking about every day.

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That's what I love.

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I love when people learn something

that makes their life better and

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then they share it with the world.

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And I got to tell you, Laurie, I

think you were a little ahead of

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your time because coaching is big.

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Now we all know I'm a coach.

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I've been coached.

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I went through a coaching program, um,

and I love it, but I think I started.

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Right around when COVID hit, right, right.

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When we were starting out at hand

out group, we couldn't figure out,

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do we call it private coaching?

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Do we call it personal coaching?

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There was not even life coaching yet.

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Concept of life coaching

did not yet even exist.

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So I do believe we were.

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sort of at the front of that movement.

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Yeah.

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So I'm so excited to talk to you on

saddle up live about marriages and

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keeping the fact, cause I've been

married 32 years and I do divorces.

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Isn't that crazy?

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But that, but I want to talk

about, so what led you, I'm

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thinking, this is my thought.

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Okay.

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So you're helping people with dating.

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Because you know how you made

your relationship strong, right?

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And I think it'd be nice if we started

before you even pick the person.

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And just like you, I've been around a

while and I have watched those people.

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Now that I'm my age, I've watched

those people that I helped date

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and fall in love when they were

young, or as I say, sometimes sell

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out in order to have children and

go through their divorces, right?

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So I have seen the whole span of

what that first Marriage is and now

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I like my counterparts the people

who are my age I love that space

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of my kids are pretty much grown.

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My career is pretty much set Or in motion

or well in motion or even coming to a

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close and I don't have to settle for

anything for baby making purposes or

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menopausal and I'm rethinking everything.

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Right.

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A lot of feelings.

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And, uh, I, so I now love coaching

daters at my age post divorce.

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Because they're so right.

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It's so fun.

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It's so and it's, um, it's

a really special niche.

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I've fallen in love with it.

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And every now and then I get, you know,

mid to late thirties, women come to me

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and go, well, will you, will you coach me?

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You know, I know it's not your

target market of, you know, 50 plus.

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And I just say, uh, I will, but

I'm just, I, I have no longer any.

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I'm like, I'm worn out.

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I have no desire to help

you sell out to have a baby.

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I just can't do it.

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Right.

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So, so unless you are so gung ho to follow

my instructions and not waiver from those

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instructions, I'm not your coach, right?

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I'm not the best coach for you.

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Well, and I got to say, Laurie, I mean,

I feel like you talk about doing, you

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know, getting married to have a baby.

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I mean, that's not going to lead

probably to a successful marriage.

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It's probably finding that partner.

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So probably what you're teaching is

really important to those younger gals.

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And it's interesting because

I too, I go, I say 40 up.

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I mean, I'm 50 up.

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So, you know, whatever, but I've

had 30 year olds saying, Hey, your

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stuff helps me too, because we've,

you know, it's, even if it's not

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what we're focusing on, it can help.

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So let's start, let's talk about it.

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Let's talk about dating for whether,

whatever age you are, what are some

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things, and I always, I mean, my,

and I don't know, this is not my

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specialty, but I am always like.

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Work on yourself, get yourself right

before you ever even start thinking.

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By the way, I do think what

I'm teaching is universal.

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That in fact, I learned it as

a universal coaching method.

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I just picked my favorite niche because.

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I'm old enough that I can do that.

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Yep.

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That's what I love.

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So, um,

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the self work is so key because

you are broadcasting whether

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or not you believe in love.

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And that is a energetic slash spiritual

phenomena that you may or may not

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believe in, see, feel, experience.

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But I know it to be true that if you

don't believe in love, that's going

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to be what broadcasts and that's

going to be what you prove to be true.

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Yeah.

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So if you don't believe in love,

why don't you believe in love?

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Or if you don't believe in love

for yourself, why don't you

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believe in love for yourself?

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That is the first question

journey I take my clients on.

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I call it being on the bench.

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It's before I actually hold your

hand in the actual dating scene.

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I want to get you personally, mentally,

energetically, spiritually, physically

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cleared up and cleaned up so that you can

put your best foot forward when you go out

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there and show up as the, the excellent

person that you are and then therefore

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attract an excellent person in return.

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Yep.

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I love that.

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I love that.

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Broadcasting that you believe in love.

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Number one.

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And you know, I, I've learned through

life that you have to believe it.

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Yeah.

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In order to make it, you

have to really believe it.

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And I bet.

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I bet that's really tricky

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when you've been through like

divorce or a breakup Yeah, there's

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a, I've det 34 obstacles to that.

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So

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A good number of those 34

if you're like most women.

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Yeah, so I would say the number

one, first thing I give my

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people is the divorce detox.

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So that really is, I assume after

they're done with you or someone

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like you, and they really have

finalized their divorce and they've

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really negotiated their new life and

their new arrangement with their ex.

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Now there's the emotional,

spiritual, energetic work to

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do to really close it out.

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And that divorce detox has six steps,

including having a period of time where

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you actually have space from that person.

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Uh, it includes learning how to talk

about that relationship because of

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course, when you date, it's going

to be one of the top questions.

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That's on everyone's mind.

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What happened?

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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That story becomes sort of like your press

kit, for instance, or have it dialed.

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You better have it clear and

it better feel good to tell it.

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if it feels like a thorn it, you're

probably not r that's a great litmus tes

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removing your triggers, r not triggered

back to wha you were experiencing.

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I management on a day to da What I would

almost call like a sponsor as if you

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were in a in a 12 step program somebody

to really support you In getting your

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mind to start going down new neural

pathways and creating new for yourself.

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So you are not just accidentally

defaulting back to replaying negative

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times or letting your fears stir up

or You know, just beating yourself

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up or any, or even just being

raged, rageful and angry, right?

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There's a lot of different ways we can go.

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So those are some of the steps

of the divorce detox, which

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would be probably my most popular

first approach to that self work.

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Okay.

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All right.

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Now I'm going to just dig in

here because this is so, so good.

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And I, as you're talking about this,

like, I feel like I think we could talk

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about mind management in a whole episode.

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And I know that I've talked about

it in past episodes about how to get

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your mind right and your mindset.

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Right.

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But okay.

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I just want it.

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So you said there were six steps.

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I wrote down four.

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Tell me what I'm missing.

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Want them in order.

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If you want them in order, I'm just

going to have to pull it up in front.

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I don't even need it in order, but I

just want to make sure I have them all.

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Okay.

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So it may, you have a problem, right?

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That's number one, always with anything,

because unfortunately, again, if you're

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familiar with the addiction at all.

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You kind of understand there is

an architecture to the thing.

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And what human beings have done, most

human beings have some sort of addiction.

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And if it's not one of those really

harmful ones like drugs or alcohol

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or gambling or sex, you know, food,

then it can be a thought pattern.

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Right.

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Can be an addiction can be something you

become really accustomed to and sort of

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need, uh, and, and find very hard to give

up and don't feel totally in control of.

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So number one, admit you have a problem.

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Number two, clear the

space of the triggers.

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That's the physical space on

the emotional space on the.

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You know, phone calls and such.

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Number three, set a timeline

for no communication.

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So you really do have the space

to do your own inner work and

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healing without the influence.

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Obviously for co parenting,

that's not completely possible.

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You have to have some exceptions to

that, but that's a general principle.

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Number four, you get the support of

your community and or your sponsor,

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who's going to kind of hold your

hand through that period where you're

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jonesing because normal and you will.

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The fifth is about mental management

and really learning how your

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inner dialogue runs the show and

what it's got what it's what it's

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loops are, and then being able to out

those, confess those and flip them.

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And the last one is really all

about self care, self love.

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Uh, again, I know that's

kind of a buzzword.

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Uh, it's different things for different

people, but it's not massages.

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It's more like exercise, quitting

bad habits, get a new haircut,

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take a trip, start writing, start

meditating, you know, things like

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that really, they really accelerate

the process of healing beautifully.

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Yeah, I love, I love all of those.

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Thank you for repeating them.

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Yes, no problem.

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I appreciate that so much.

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Okay, so now, and I'm, I'm gonna

guess this could take a long time.

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I mean, I've observed women

take different amounts of time.

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So I have observed now it really depends

on how long you've been doing your

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inner work while you were still in the

marriage or, or in the divorce process.

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So some people get out of their

divorce process at the minute

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that paperwork signed, they are

ready to hit the round running.

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They've been preparing.

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Right.

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Depends.

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And then some people have

not looked at anything.

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They are in trauma mode, survival mode.

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So the, so when their divorce hits

and becomes official, they are

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First, there are shell shocked and

they need to come into their bodies.

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And then the healing process begins

and can take a couple of years.

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I think worst case scenario,

if you're working on it, right.

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I don't think anybody

gets a freebie with it.

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I don't think you should

want to rush it or go fast.

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Uh, the beauty for most people, if they

divorce after having children is maybe

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they don't feel that pressure to rush.

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And I, that's my favorite is if you don't

feel the pressure to rush to find love

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again, and you really can take that time.

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But again, I've seen, I've seen, I've

seen women fall in love again before

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their divorce is final, all the way

to, it takes a couple years to really

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feel ready, be ready, and, and,

and, and attract the right person.

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person.

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Yep.

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So go easy on yourself if you feel like

it's taken because I could be someone

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who would want to rush through something.

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So there are three phases.

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The first phase is I call it on the bench

and I really underline how useful it is.

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Like if you had a eight year old kid and

you wanted them to become a great baseball

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player, you would sit them on the bench.

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You would sit them in the stands.

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In fact, for many, many months,

learning the game, no pressure,

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understanding the rules, watching

how people play, figuring it out.

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It's, it's so smart to be on the

bench before you get in the game.

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I mean, everyone has an awful story

of how someone threw them in the pool

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before they could swim and they near

drowned and now they're afraid of water.

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I mean, I'm sad to say, I

think that's, that's true.

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what happens with people in dating.

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They just open up match.

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com and become totally

overwhelmed and drown.

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And so of course they don't want

to go back to doing it and all

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their worst fears have come true

and they've proven them true.

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And now, now it's going to take

another few years and true desperation

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to get them back in the game.

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So the, on the bench phase to

me is one of the most sacred,

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beautiful, important, useful stages.

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So you said three stages on the bench.

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Then what you're listening to the numbers.

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I don't know why I'm glad

I'm not making them up.

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Okay.

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The first one is on the bench.

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The second one is in the game, right?

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So that's on the court dating.

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I call that the handheld hunt, because

I literally, I don't literally hold

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your hand, but I figuratively hold

your hand as you are doing the dating.

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And I have a ton of very nerdy

tools and rules for you to follow.

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And then the third is learning the art

of communication, which actually starts.

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in the dating process, but then

proceeds into early relationship.

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And then of course, 30, 40, 50 years into

your relationship continues to be useful.

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Those are the three stages.

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I mean, and I feel like learning

to communicate is something

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that is on going for sure.

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It's just today I was using my tools.

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Yes.

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It's a lifelong journey to learn

how to communicate as it should be,

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because connection is what we're

here for and what we are compelled.

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Towards right.

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We are compelled towards it.

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We want to do it.

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We want to do it.

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Well, and we have absolute crap

role models and mentorship.

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Yeah, yeah, we do.

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We do in the world today.

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That is so true.

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Okay, so I'm going to try to eat as

much out of this time that I can.

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So I kind of think you're sitting

on the bench when you're detoxing.

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Yes.

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And then you get in the game.

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And if you have, if you can have

someone like Lori helping you, we'll

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have her information in the show notes.

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She can, you know, kind of

hold your hand through it.

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If someone doesn't have you

and they feel like they're

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detoxed, they're in a good spot.

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They're ready.

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Then what?

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Okay.

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Well, first of all, I have

worked very hard in my 20 years.

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to provide resources for

people at every economic.

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Awesome.

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Right.

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So I have free newsletter.

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I have free Facebook group.

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I have free things.

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I have inexpensive group things and I have

expensive private and one on one things.

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So just FYI, I am thinking of you

no matter where you are financially.

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Now to answer your question, you

are going to need what's called

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a three H chart in order to quote

unquote, determine your type.

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and possibly change your type.

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Okay.

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So you're going to need

to review your history.

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And again, very specific assignment

for that to understand what your quote

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unquote type or pattern has been.

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And then I am going to convince

you that you can change your type.

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Cause I've seen it a million times.

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You just, because you

always smoke cigarettes.

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Doesn't mean you're going to keep

smoking cigarettes just because

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you used to hate X kind of sex.

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Doesn't mean you're always going to hate

X kind of sex, et cetera, et cetera.

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Okay.

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So you have made changes before

you can make a change here.

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I'm somebody who used to eat

bagels and donuts at every

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possible chance I could get.

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And now I healthfully almost

always except for vacations.

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So I am someone who can

tell you human beings can

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profoundly fundamentally change.

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Thank goodness.

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Okay.

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So if you think it's not the same with.

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The people you pick to date,

it is exactly the same.

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So, uh, so you're going

to evaluate your type.

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You're going to articulate

your type and you are going to

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change your type if necessary.

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And that goes for what you like,

practically speaking, emotionally

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speaking, and what you're attracted to.

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So head, heart, and hoo ha.

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That's what three hands stands for.

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You like my numbers,

head, heart, and hoo ha.

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Head is practical.

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Heart is emotional and hoo

ha is sexual or chemistry.

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So once you determine that

you have an idea of what

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you're looking for, then what?

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Then you're out.

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on the hunt, right?

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I mean, there are a few more steps.

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There are, there's an assets

and liabilities process.

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There's a sparks question process

where you're coming up with your

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list of questions to determine

whether or not somebody fits

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your criteria in the three H's.

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So there's lots of other prep,

like I said, nerdy forms,

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spreadsheets, tools and rules.

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Uh, but then you're going

to go out and start to.

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bring in prospects either online.

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And I have, again, we do not have time for

everything I could say about your profile,

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how many sites to be on, all that.

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Um, but then you're going to get online

and or in real life and with your friends.

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And you're going to start to say, I am now

open for prospects and I'm going to hold

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your hand as you move through three dates.

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And I'm going to teach you what canned

responses to use to move the date

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forward or to say if you have a concern.

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Uh, and I'm going to give you certain.

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Rules that you have to hit at each date

and the big shebang is you only get three

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dates You only get three dates with each

potential candidate to determine whether

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:

or not they meet your 3h criteria Eight

or above in each of the categories.

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Wow You are done because I am the girl

who's putting an end to dating fatigue and

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:

endless disappointments I I am I am You've

been exhausted by your divorce, I'm sure.

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You do not need to get

exhausted and depressed again.

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So we need to become incredibly

efficient and mindful and purposeful

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with the dating, which means you don't

get a fourth date with someone who's

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:

not a real candidate, because then

you're going to start rooting for them

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even when they're not a good match.

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I'll, I'll pause there.

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You know, and so that

sounds scientific to me.

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And so this method developed at

MIT and Stanford, just where the

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nerdy underpinnings come from.

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:

So Lori, okay.

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:

So we're running out of time.

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Sorry listeners, but I would like

to have you come back to talk

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:

about the dating profile and all,

all the work that we can do there.

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But we, you know, we

know this much so far.

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And my get, my understanding is, is

that if they go to your website, They're

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:

going to be able to find some of this

information to help them along the way,

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whether they can work with you or not.

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Correct.

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You're going to find a lot of free

resources, including a webinar.

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That's about 90 minutes long, a

quiz you can take more blogs and

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newsletters than you can ever read.

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So, and, and all the other paid stuff too.

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Yes.

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Okay.

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Awesome.

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:

Okay.

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So I just feel like this is so fun

and I don't even want to end it, but

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I have to, because their time is up.

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:

I'll come back Yeah, we got to come back.

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:

So, and listeners, if there's any

other topic that you really want

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:

to hone in on, but I think the

next one, I think we should talk

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:

about the actual, after the divorce

detox, jumping into the dating game.

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:

Cause there's so much more to this, but

Lori, thank you so much for your time.

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And again, listeners, if you want to

hear more from Lori, go to Saddle Up

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Live and we'll tell you how to keep

that fire burning in your marriage.

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So thank you from the bottom of

my heart for being here, Lori.

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:

You take good care.

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:

Yay.

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:

Bye.

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About the Podcast

Doing Divorce Different A Podcast Guide to Doing Divorce Differently
Alleviate your fear of divorce and do it a different way. Join Family Law Attorney and Mediator Lesa Koski for candid conversations to take the fear out of Divorce. You will be empowered to heal through your divorce!

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Lesa Koski