Heal Yourself, Strengthen Your Marriage with Dr. Becky

Speaker: 00:00:01

Welcome listeners.

2

: 00:00:03

You should be so excited

because I have Dr.

3

: 00:00:06

Becky back and she's actually been here

two times on doing divorce different,

4

: 00:00:11

and so excited to have her back.

5

: 00:00:13

Um, Dr.

6

: 00:00:14

Becky Wetstone is an author and

she's a family therapist and she

7

: 00:00:21

talks all things marriage and.

8

: 00:00:24

We hardly talked before we got

on the call because I always like

9

: 00:00:27

to have authentic conversations.

10

: 00:00:29

But I think today I was,

I'm gonna let just Dr.

11

: 00:00:32

Becky introduce herself a little bit.

12

: 00:00:34

I mean, you probably know her,

but just to give a little bit

13

: 00:00:37

of an introduction 'cause we're

just so thrilled that she's here.

14

: 00:00:40

Truly thankful.

15

: 00:00:42

And then I think we're gonna get into.

16

: 00:00:45

Telling Becky that I was at

a baby shower in Montana.

17

: 00:00:49

I had all these young girls who were

just married, and they were like, what's

18

: 00:00:53

the secret to a successful marriage?

19

: 00:00:56

Becky's shaking your head

right now if you can't see her.

20

: 00:00:59

And like, and so I started thinking,

I mean, eventually someday,

21

: 00:01:03

my hope is to have a course to

help you before you get married.

22

: 00:01:07

And, and so we're gonna talk about that.

23

: 00:01:10

So it's like.

24

: 00:01:11

If you've never been married

before or if you are divorced

25

: 00:01:15

and looking to maybe remarry.

26

: 00:01:17

So that's a really long introduction.

27

: 00:01:19

But Becky, welcome.

28

: 00:01:21

Thank you for being here.

29

: 00:01:22

Say

30

: 00:01:23

Speaker 2: hello to the audience.

31

: 00:01:24

Hi everybody.

32

: 00:01:25

I can't believe how lucky I am to be back.

33

: 00:01:28

This is so cool.

34

: 00:01:30

I feel like Sally Field, when she won

the Academy Award for the second time.

35

: 00:01:35

I, I wanna yell out.

36

: 00:01:38

You like me, you,

37

: 00:01:41

Speaker: we do.

38

: 00:01:41

We love you.

39

: 00:01:42

And I think the listeners probably,

I mean we're gonna try to have Dr.

40

: 00:01:46

Becky on pretty regularly 'cause

you're just so fun to talk.

41

: 00:01:49

I feel like we could discuss divorce

and marriage forever and so I think

42

: 00:01:53

it's a really good spot for us to be.

43

: 00:01:56

Speaker 2: We should do a

marathon for charity or something.

44

: 00:01:59

Yeah,

45

: 00:01:59

Speaker: we

46

: 00:02:00

Speaker 2: should see how, see

how long we can talk about it.

47

: 00:02:04

Maybe get the Guinness Book of World.

48

: 00:02:09

Yeah.

49

: 00:02:09

I am obsessed with the subject.

50

: 00:02:11

I, I tell everybody that if you, if we go

to a dinner party or we're at a luncheon

51

: 00:02:17

or you know, I'm out and you just wanna

talk to me about relationships, I'm

52

: 00:02:21

game like, I, I never get sick of it.

53

: 00:02:24

I always love it and, uh,

and it's an obsession.

54

: 00:02:28

So, you know, and I, and my

life thing has been trying to

55

: 00:02:31

learn everything I can about it.

56

: 00:02:34

And so I want to get to the point, and

I might be there now, but I'm not sure

57

: 00:02:38

that you could ask me anything about

family and marital relationships, and

58

: 00:02:46

I can probably answer it at least.

59

: 00:02:49

Halfway intelligently maybe.

60

: 00:02:53

Speaker: I love that.

61

: 00:02:53

And and I'm sure you could.

62

: 00:02:55

And what I loved is that before we got on,

when I talked about this subject, you're

63

: 00:03:00

like, uh, there's not really any like.

64

: 00:03:04

For sure, like follow this and

you're gonna get the right mate.

65

: 00:03:09

Speaker 2: There's no

guarantee for any of us.

66

: 00:03:12

Mm-hmm That we chose a mate that we can

be happily married to for the lifespan.

67

: 00:03:18

Even me.

68

: 00:03:23

Well, because, you know, like, you know

that, that Malcolm Gladwell rule that

69

: 00:03:27

if you've studied something or, uh,

for either 10 years or 10,000 hours,

70

: 00:03:32

then you're probably, you know, uh,

a world expert kind of level person.

71

: 00:03:38

And I have, I've done more than my 10

years and more than my 10,000 hours, so.

72

: 00:03:44

You know, and since I am obsessed with

it and read everything I possibly can,

73

: 00:03:48

you know, I would say, I'm telling

y'all, I could even still choose.

74

: 00:03:54

Somebody that I end up

getting divorced from.

75

: 00:03:57

However, as I was telling you, um,

I think that there's all things,

76

: 00:04:03

all of us can do better than most,

uh, to lessen the chances of that.

77

: 00:04:12

But because people change and we

don't know the different things

78

: 00:04:16

that are gonna be thrown in

our path in life, um, you know.

79

: 00:04:22

Uh, you can't say that there is a

divorce proof strategy, right, but

80

: 00:04:30

like, like I said, you know that there's

certain characteristics that healthy

81

: 00:04:35

humans have and that that goes a long

way toward having a healthy marriage.

82

: 00:04:40

Speaker: Well, yeah, and

let me throw one at you.

83

: 00:04:43

Interestingly enough, um, my,

I belong to a certain church.

84

: 00:04:49

When we were married, and so we went

through these courses and my husband

85

: 00:04:52

and I learned that couples who pray

together have a 2% divorce rate.

86

: 00:05:01

That's a heck of a lot better than

the divorce rate for a couple, but

87

: 00:05:05

it's like pray together every day.

88

: 00:05:09

I don't believe that.

89

: 00:05:11

You don't.

90

: 00:05:12

No.

91

: 00:05:13

I wanna know.

92

: 00:05:14

Well, thanks because I've been

telling everyone that I signed

93

: 00:05:18

in a little wedding card.

94

: 00:05:19

Oh yeah.

95

: 00:05:20

Speaker 2: Everybody, I'm telling

you, y'all get on your knees together

96

: 00:05:23

and it will solve all your problems.

97

: 00:05:29

I'm gonna go get my husband right

now and we're gonna say a priority.

98

: 00:05:34

Speaker: No, but this is what I want.

99

: 00:05:35

You know what I think it is, Dr.

100

: 00:05:36

Beck.

101

: 00:05:36

Well, I, and I am like a total

believer, so I've got that going for me.

102

: 00:05:41

But I even think.

103

: 00:05:43

If you weren't, it's that, uh,

connecting, you know, that shared time,

104

: 00:05:50

that gratitude, that is one thing.

105

: 00:05:53

Every once in a while I will coach someone

on how to stay married rather than on how

106

: 00:05:58

to get divorced because they'll be like.

107

: 00:06:00

You know, we we're not quite sure, and

I always tell them each night before

108

: 00:06:05

they go to bed, to think of three things

they're grateful for for the other spouse.

109

: 00:06:11

That's

110

: 00:06:11

Speaker 2: all great energy stuff.

111

: 00:06:13

I mean, that's, yes, I believe

in that, and I can see why the

112

: 00:06:17

idea of prayer or meditation

together or whatever your thing is.

113

: 00:06:22

Uh, it, it's, um, a very serious

time, you know, and a quiet time and.

114

: 00:06:31

Uh, I can see where it would help

build a bond for a couple, but to tell

115

: 00:06:37

me that only 2% of people that pray

together divorce, I wanna see that study.

116

: 00:06:46

I wanna, well,

117

: 00:06:47

Speaker: let's look that up and

I'll, so I do, this is cute.

118

: 00:06:50

I do a saddle up live segment on

Thursdays after this one comes out just

119

: 00:06:56

to kind of, I'm gonna check that out.

120

: 00:06:58

Speaker 2: Will you?

121

: 00:06:58

Because I, you know what?

122

: 00:06:59

I think you're not gonna

find a study of that.

123

: 00:07:02

I think the church one lied to me.

124

: 00:07:05

Dr.

125

: 00:07:05

Becky, I think that you,

someone's told you a.

126

: 00:07:10

That's a form of research

called a wild ass.

127

: 00:07:13

Guess

128

: 00:07:16

I've heard it more than once.

129

: 00:07:18

Okay.

130

: 00:07:20

I have never heard it.

131

: 00:07:21

Now you have stumped Becky.

132

: 00:07:23

Yeah, maybe I am not gonna repeat that.

133

: 00:07:29

And when I'm talking to people.

134

: 00:07:33

Speaker: Okay.

135

: 00:07:34

All right, you, let's just get into then.

136

: 00:07:38

So for the youngins and for the

mature ones who are either have been

137

: 00:07:47

divorced or are married for the first

time, they're in this new marriage.

138

: 00:07:50

So we're not even gonna

talk about picking a mate.

139

: 00:07:53

Let's not talk about picking a mate.

140

: 00:07:55

Let's talk about how to.

141

: 00:07:59

You are only responsible for you.

142

: 00:08:01

So you can only take care of you.

143

: 00:08:03

But how can you have a good marriage?

144

: 00:08:05

And I do wanna say this, Becky.

145

: 00:08:09

I have noticed even in my own

life, when I change things or set

146

: 00:08:13

up boundaries that are there to

help me, it helps my marriage.

147

: 00:08:21

Speaker 2: Oh, absolutely.

148

: 00:08:22

Absolutely.

149

: 00:08:24

You know, um, the best thing any of us

can do for our marriage is to be super

150

: 00:08:30

healthy ourselves, mind, body, and spirit.

151

: 00:08:34

You know?

152

: 00:08:34

So, you know, a lot of people

with childhood trauma and, and

153

: 00:08:37

I, I can tell you guys out there,

everybody has childhood trauma.

154

: 00:08:41

I've never met anyone

that doesn't have it.

155

: 00:08:43

Even if you loved your family and you

don't remember 'em ever being mean

156

: 00:08:46

to you, it's really not about that.

157

: 00:08:48

Okay?

158

: 00:08:49

Right.

159

: 00:08:49

But, but so everyone has it and we

come out, uh, into, into life, you

160

: 00:08:56

know, thinking that we're not good

enough, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

161

: 00:09:00

Uh, I forgot your question.

162

: 00:09:03

I got so into thinking

about Oh, that's okay.

163

: 00:09:08

Speaker: We were talking

about how to have.

164

: 00:09:13

A strong marriage and you were

talking about taking care of

165

: 00:09:16

Speaker 2: yourself.

166

: 00:09:17

I'm

167

: 00:09:17

Speaker: back on mind, body.

168

: 00:09:19

I'm back on the wave.

169

: 00:09:19

Life.

170

: 00:09:20

Speaker 2: I'm back.

171

: 00:09:20

Thank you.

172

: 00:09:21

Thank you.

173

: 00:09:21

Yeah.

174

: 00:09:22

Sorry everybody.

175

: 00:09:23

You don't have to apologize.

176

: 00:09:25

We're people and so, so you know, each

person in a marriage is responsible for

177

: 00:09:30

bringing their best self to the marriage.

178

: 00:09:33

So to me, like I recommend people

not marry unless they're, they've

179

: 00:09:38

worked on their self-esteem, their

boundaries, their ability to be

180

: 00:09:43

independent, self-supporting.

181

: 00:09:46

They've taken care of

most of their hangups.

182

: 00:09:49

Like if you're OCD or you're a

control freak or something like

183

: 00:09:53

that, you know, all these kinds of

quirky things that are dysfunctional

184

: 00:09:57

that we bring to the marriage are

gonna weigh on on the marriage.

185

: 00:10:00

Okay?

186

: 00:10:00

That's gonna show up in the relationship.

187

: 00:10:03

So why not do your work on yourself?

188

: 00:10:08

Um, and if you're already married

and you haven't done your work on

189

: 00:10:12

yourself, then I would say that

make that your first priority.

190

: 00:10:15

Speaker: Mm-hmm.

191

: 00:10:17

Speaker 2: Because, um, you're gonna

be able to speak out for yourself

192

: 00:10:21

if you go through this process and,

and not keep, you know, your, uh.

193

: 00:10:26

Concerns quiet, which is a huge problem

in marriage, is people not speaking

194

: 00:10:32

up about their unhappiness and being

able to have direct conversations

195

: 00:10:37

and, um, just showing up within a.

196

: 00:10:42

Being invulnerable and vulnerable

means showing your true,

197

: 00:10:45

authentic self to your partner.

198

: 00:10:48

Not a phony, not a persona, not a pleaser.

199

: 00:10:52

Mm-hmm.

200

: 00:10:53

Like if you're, if you're unhappy

with how your husband's been acting

201

: 00:10:56

lately, you should have the confidence

to be able to talk to him about that.

202

: 00:11:01

Speaker: Yeah, I'd love that.

203

: 00:11:02

Well, I just wanna say,

I just wanna throw out.

204

: 00:11:06

For the listeners, some little tips

and add to it if you can, but I know

205

: 00:11:11

like for myself, things that I, and I

didn't do this before I got married.

206

: 00:11:15

I did it after I was married,

but things that I did was I,

207

: 00:11:19

I did a course on core wounds.

208

: 00:11:21

It was by JJ Zain and I actually

have an affiliate link, I'll

209

: 00:11:24

put in the show notes, and I

had done a lot of self coaching.

210

: 00:11:31

Which was very helpful for me.

211

: 00:11:33

However, what I learned was I can have

these beliefs in my head that I know

212

: 00:11:38

are stupid, and I, and I know they're

not true, but they're so ingrained.

213

: 00:11:44

So on a surface level level, the coaching

really helps me, but I have to go deeper.

214

: 00:11:49

So I did core wounds and I also did,

um, neurolinguistic programming.

215

: 00:11:55

I still do a little bit of that.

216

: 00:11:57

I've done some tapping.

217

: 00:11:59

Um.

218

: 00:12:01

And of course, just surrendering to

God, when I went through something

219

: 00:12:03

really hard, that helped a ton.

220

: 00:12:06

So those are things that

I did to work on myself.

221

: 00:12:09

Not to mention exercise,

eating right rest.

222

: 00:12:14

Speaker 2: Oh yeah, joy.

223

: 00:12:17

Speaker: Community, all those things.

224

: 00:12:19

So those are ways that I work on myself.

225

: 00:12:21

And I wanna talk about that a lot on

this podcast, on the satellite segment.

226

: 00:12:25

Do you have anything to add to that?

227

: 00:12:28

Speaker 2: Well, I, I, I think, you know,

yeah, if you, you, there's five factors,

228

: 00:12:34

if I can remember off the top of my head

that, that predict brain health over

229

: 00:12:38

the long term, you know, and, and sleep.

230

: 00:12:41

You mentioned some of 'em just now, sleep.

231

: 00:12:43

Community challenging your

brain walking 30 minutes a day.

232

: 00:12:50

And did I say Yeah, I

know we said community.

233

: 00:12:53

I'm trying to think of

what the other one is.

234

: 00:12:56

I can't think of what the other

one is off the top of my head, but,

235

: 00:12:58

but you know, just the walking 30

minutes a day, uh, all the research

236

: 00:13:04

on this very strong research says.

237

: 00:13:07

That if you walk 30 minutes a

day, it is the same as taking

238

: 00:13:11

antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds.

239

: 00:13:14

You know?

240

: 00:13:14

And it, it's a predictor of not

getting Alzheimer's, you know, there.

241

: 00:13:18

And I say to my clients like, why

wouldn't you do this for yourself?

242

: 00:13:21

Right.

243

: 00:13:22

And, and just arranging, and people

don't tell me you don't have time.

244

: 00:13:26

Like, like I do it, you know, I get up.

245

: 00:13:29

I, I, when I realized how important

it was, I started getting up

246

: 00:13:32

an hour earlier every morning.

247

: 00:13:34

And yes, my kids are grown now, I.

248

: 00:13:37

So I don't have to worry about that,

but I pop out the door and walk for an

249

: 00:13:41

hour before, you know, I do anything.

250

: 00:13:44

So, and I get off my

list and then it's done.

251

: 00:13:47

But so, so stuff like that and having,

having things that you are passionate

252

: 00:13:52

about, you know, something that, things

that bring meaning to your life mm-hmm.

253

: 00:13:59

Um, is something that.

254

: 00:14:03

Keeps people happy and healthy,

and understanding that you're

255

: 00:14:06

responsible for your own happiness.

256

: 00:14:08

Yes.

257

: 00:14:08

That no one else is supposed

to be entertaining you or, you

258

: 00:14:13

know, um, making you happy.

259

: 00:14:15

That's not true,

260

: 00:14:17

Speaker: and that is, that is something

that I've learned late in life, Becky,

261

: 00:14:21

is that no one is making me feel anyway.

262

: 00:14:26

I am.

263

: 00:14:27

That's exactly right.

264

: 00:14:28

Yeah.

265

: 00:14:29

And so, and sometimes it's really

hard to remember that and, and

266

: 00:14:32

you and the circumstances too.

267

: 00:14:34

You have a choice in how, yeah,

you can have a stinky circumstance,

268

: 00:14:38

but you have a choice on how you're

gonna respond to that circumstance.

269

: 00:14:42

So you really are in control.

270

: 00:14:47

Yes, takes work, takes practice.

271

: 00:14:50

Um, but I love those steps.

272

: 00:14:51

And I was just gonna even say like

for the busy person, um, that 30

273

: 00:14:56

minute walk, I mean, I even think

of my mom, she's such a honey.

274

: 00:14:59

She is, you know, in her early eighties

and she'll just walk around her house.

275

: 00:15:04

Oh yeah.

276

: 00:15:05

I mean, you can just to stay

active and move that body.

277

: 00:15:08

And I wanna add that.

278

: 00:15:11

It is an antidepressant and there

are still people who need medication,

279

: 00:15:16

Speaker 2: of course,

280

: 00:15:17

Speaker: even when they do

that, but absolutely, why not

281

: 00:15:20

help yourself by taking that?

282

: 00:15:23

And then maybe you can take less

medic, you know it's gonna help you.

283

: 00:15:27

Yeah,

284

: 00:15:28

Speaker 2: absolutely.

285

: 00:15:28

Now, now, regarding the childhood trauma,

which is a huge concern of mine because

286

: 00:15:34

that's, it's the, it's the disabilities

from childhood trauma that end up

287

: 00:15:39

showing in our relationships and making

us not relational or very difficult.

288

: 00:15:45

With relationships.

289

: 00:15:47

And so the work of PM

Melody, um, changed my life.

290

: 00:15:52

It's changed the world.

291

: 00:15:53

In fact, she just died on May 8th.

292

: 00:15:55

I'm sorry, I don't even know

293

: 00:15:56

Speaker: who that is.

294

: 00:15:57

Speaker 2: So crushed.

295

: 00:15:58

Um, she, she wrote the

book Facing Codependence.

296

: 00:16:02

Okay.

297

: 00:16:03

And, and in her it is totally

different from the work of Melody

298

: 00:16:07

Beatty, who wrote Codependent No More.

299

: 00:16:10

They're.

300

: 00:16:11

Their books are very, their names

are very similar, so people get

301

: 00:16:15

Yeah, but P Melody is the one who

cre figured out the puzzle of, um.

302

: 00:16:23

Addiction, you know, what was causing

people to be addicted, which was

303

: 00:16:28

toxic shame, you know, a feeling of

I'm not good enough, I don't fit in,

304

: 00:16:32

that we all take on in in childhood.

305

: 00:16:36

And, um, and she studied people

at the Meadows in Arizona.

306

: 00:16:41

Thousands of 'em I guess

she saw over many years.

307

: 00:16:45

And, um.

308

: 00:16:46

And totally came to see the

different patterns and things,

309

: 00:16:50

um, that were happening to people.

310

: 00:16:52

And whether you were an

addict or not the same damage.

311

: 00:16:58

It happens to everybody.

312

: 00:16:59

It's just some people become

addicts and others don't.

313

: 00:17:03

Mm-hmm.

314

: 00:17:04

But, but we all end up, um,

dysfunctional in our relationships.

315

: 00:17:08

So if you read Facing

Codependence and pm Melody's work.

316

: 00:17:13

Start diving into that.

317

: 00:17:14

And if you're into, um, if you're

more thinking about your relationship,

318

: 00:17:20

um, then I recommend the work of

Terry Real, who studied with p Melody

319

: 00:17:25

and created a model for couples.

320

: 00:17:27

He has an audio book that I,

I make my couples listen to.

321

: 00:17:31

And I, I'm telling you, that

book wakes a lot of people up.

322

: 00:17:37

He described and very real are real

and his, his audio book, fierce

323

: 00:17:42

Intimacy is such a good primer for

everyone to understand what it is

324

: 00:17:50

to be healthy in relationships.

325

: 00:17:52

Okay?

326

: 00:17:53

Speaker: Okay, so we're

giving people tools.

327

: 00:17:55

Yes.

328

: 00:17:56

Take care of yourself.

329

: 00:17:58

If you're in this marriage,

you're taking care of yourself.

330

: 00:18:02

You can do that audiobook

with your spouse.

331

: 00:18:05

You can pray with them if you're me,

but if you're Becky, you might not.

332

: 00:18:09

Yeah, I'm just kidding.

333

: 00:18:12

Um, and then, and then

is there anything else?

334

: 00:18:16

Well, well, you know, I.

335

: 00:18:19

Speaker 2: You know, make sure that

like, is your self-esteem okay?

336

: 00:18:23

Like, do you ha are you confident?

337

: 00:18:25

Do you know who you are?

338

: 00:18:26

I mean, these things are so important.

339

: 00:18:28

So you know the, when you study the PM

melody stuff, you're gonna see the areas

340

: 00:18:33

in which you have emotional disabilities.

341

: 00:18:37

It could be self-esteem or an

inability to set boundaries.

342

: 00:18:41

Or maybe you've walled yourself off

and you're emotionally unavailable.

343

: 00:18:46

I.

344

: 00:18:47

Um, maybe you, you have

an addictive personality.

345

: 00:18:52

Um, maybe you've got OCD or

control issues, or you're out of

346

: 00:18:56

control with, with, um, having no

self-control, um, and dependency.

347

: 00:19:03

Are you able to take care of yourself?

348

: 00:19:05

Can you be alone?

349

: 00:19:07

Or are you a wall and you're needless

and wantless and don't know how

350

: 00:19:11

to give and take in relationships?

351

: 00:19:13

These are all the common disabilities

that people get from from childhood

352

: 00:19:18

trauma, and so you need to learn

how to be healthy in each area.

353

: 00:19:23

So I can't stress that enough, is if you

really wanna knock this outta the park,

354

: 00:19:29

go learn about the five core issues of

childhood trauma as described by p Melody.

355

: 00:19:36

I.

356

: 00:19:37

And start working on yourself.

357

: 00:19:39

And if you can find a PM Melody trained

therapist out there to help you then,

358

: 00:19:44

or a Terry real trained therapist,

then to me, I, I just, I don't know

359

: 00:19:50

any model and I know about a lot

of 'em that are more powerful than

360

: 00:19:53

those, and they're very deeply honest.

361

: 00:19:55

They don't mess around.

362

: 00:19:57

It's, it's not that, Hey, how do you feel?

363

: 00:20:00

Oh, you know, it's not that namby-pamby

therapy that so many people tell me.

364

: 00:20:04

They get very little out of.

365

: 00:20:06

It's like going to school for you for

how to be healthy yourself and how

366

: 00:20:12

to be healthy in your relationships.

367

: 00:20:14

Speaker: Well, and that, I know that

was why I was kind of drawn to you

368

: 00:20:16

too, because I feel like you're kind

of a therapist that does coaching.

369

: 00:20:20

Speaker 2: No doubt.

370

: 00:20:22

Speaker: Yeah.

371

: 00:20:22

I like the coaching piece because it's.

372

: 00:20:26

I, I mean, I'm gonna look at my

past to help me move forward,

373

: 00:20:30

but I don't wanna swim in it.

374

: 00:20:32

And I think a lot of people can swim

in it and get stuck and keep going to

375

: 00:20:35

a therapist forever and ever and ever.

376

: 00:20:37

And maybe just maybe you can go to

the therapist to grow and learn, and

377

: 00:20:43

then you go out into the world and

work on your stuff, and then maybe

378

: 00:20:46

you need a therapist or a coach again.

379

: 00:20:49

Um, but I guess like the bo,

I mean, I feel almost like.

380

: 00:20:54

We could almost wrap this up

simply by saying, take care

381

: 00:21:00

of yourself, know yourself.

382

: 00:21:04

And I think when you are right out

of the gates, a baby young outta

383

: 00:21:10

college, I, um, I don't know that,

I mean, I didn't know myself.

384

: 00:21:15

Some people probably do, um.

385

: 00:21:19

But if you're finding yourself wanting

to, to make sure that you have a

386

: 00:21:23

long, healthy marriage, make sure

you are healthy because that way if

387

: 00:21:29

something goes south, you're gonna be

able to go through it so much better.

388

: 00:21:37

Speaker 2: Well, absolutely.

389

: 00:21:38

I mean, you know, as I tell people,

you know, I've worked on myself for

390

: 00:21:42

so many years, you know, and I've

gotten myself to a place where.

391

: 00:21:46

If, if anything changed, you know,

like my husband passed away or we

392

: 00:21:52

had some disaster or whatever, I,

I've situated myself where I can

393

: 00:21:57

be emotionally resilient and, you

know, no matter what happens to me.

394

: 00:22:03

I can, I, I'll make it out the

other side and will be a survivor.

395

: 00:22:08

I'm not the kind of person that's going

to fall apart and not be able to survive.

396

: 00:22:12

So I think, you know, you're emotionally

strong when you realize if you lost some

397

: 00:22:17

of the things that are most precious to

you, that you, I mean, that's horrible.

398

: 00:22:20

It's heartbreaking.

399

: 00:22:22

Uh, no one wants that.

400

: 00:22:24

But that by golly, you're strong

and you'll, you can make lemonade

401

: 00:22:29

outta lemons and keep going.

402

: 00:22:31

So, right.

403

: 00:22:32

That really is a huge, important piece.

404

: 00:22:35

What did you just say was

the therapists really value?

405

: 00:22:39

Like if you're, if you're mentally

healthy and emotionally healthy,

406

: 00:22:42

healthy, then it shows up when you're

resilient, when things happen to you.

407

: 00:22:50

Like I, I talked to someone today.

408

: 00:22:53

Who two and a half years after her

divorce is still a basket case and

409

: 00:22:58

an absolute venom spewing mess.

410

: 00:23:02

Mm-hmm.

411

: 00:23:03

And she's the one that wanted the divorce.

412

: 00:23:05

Mm-hmm.

413

: 00:23:06

And she's, she, the price she

paid for this divorce was losing

414

: 00:23:10

a bunch of friends, a lot of

harsh judgment, and she's.

415

: 00:23:15

Violently protesting, I guess the loss

of her, of how people think about her

416

: 00:23:21

and, you know, and so she's not being

resilient and so that, that tells me that

417

: 00:23:27

like something in her core foundation yes.

418

: 00:23:32

Is off because she hasn't been

able to process this in a way to be

419

: 00:23:38

able to survive it and move on and.

420

: 00:23:42

And, and it, it knocks

us all down for a while.

421

: 00:23:46

Yep.

422

: 00:23:46

But we, within a reasonable amount of

time, we should be able to get back

423

: 00:23:50

up and I would say a year I would like

to see everybody getting back up and.

424

: 00:23:55

You know, re reentering life.

425

: 00:23:59

Um, but, but she's not, and, you

know, so that, that's concerning.

426

: 00:24:04

So I feel like, you know, here's

a person that probably didn't set

427

: 00:24:06

themselves up on the front end

428

: 00:24:09

Speaker: mm-hmm.

429

: 00:24:10

Speaker 2: Of their life and get healthy

in all the areas, and now she gets knocked

430

: 00:24:15

down and, and it's taking her down,

431

: 00:24:18

Speaker: you know, and I, I,

it's so interesting that you're

432

: 00:24:21

speaking of this because.

433

: 00:24:24

I know some people who are doing

that, they're spinning out and

434

: 00:24:28

it's a little ridiculous almost.

435

: 00:24:31

And, and you can kind of, I mean,

I've been through hard things.

436

: 00:24:34

I've been through really hard

things and, um, you can just kind

437

: 00:24:38

of lose your empathy a little.

438

: 00:24:40

And I know like they, I know

they don't wanna feel that way.

439

: 00:24:45

But they're, you know, you just want 'em

to pull themself up by the bootstraps.

440

: 00:24:48

And that's what I always say.

441

: 00:24:49

Like I was always a person

that wanted to rescue everyone.

442

: 00:24:53

I wanted them to not suffer.

443

: 00:24:55

And I realize now that that's not

the case, that we're going to have

444

: 00:25:01

to, and I am thankful I could have.

445

: 00:25:05

Probably had a little more work done on

the, those, um, the trauma and the wounds.

446

: 00:25:11

Mm-hmm.

447

: 00:25:11

But I had the coaching and I didn't do it.

448

: 00:25:14

When I went through my really

hard, I kind of sat there with

449

: 00:25:16

it, but I did okay through it.

450

: 00:25:19

And I think it was because of all

the work that I had done in so many

451

: 00:25:22

of the areas that you talk about.

452

: 00:25:23

Just 'cause I'm interested in it and I

wanna be healthy and I wanna feel good.

453

: 00:25:27

So I have a question for you, Dr.

454

: 00:25:30

Becky.

455

: 00:25:30

If I read this PM Melody book.

456

: 00:25:34

Can you come back and do you think that

we can give an overview of it so that

457

: 00:25:40

listeners will get an understanding of

458

: 00:25:43

Speaker 2: themselves?

459

: 00:25:45

Absolutely.

460

: 00:25:46

It's one of my favorite things to talk

about, um, until I wrote my book, it, if

461

: 00:25:51

Someone Asked me to Speak, that's what

I spoke on was those five core issues

462

: 00:25:56

and the just the basic fundamentals of.

463

: 00:26:00

Childhood trauma and

how it affects us all.

464

: 00:26:03

And um, and it's, and and

literally people, their jaws drop.

465

: 00:26:09

Like even I used to, when I had couples

come in, I would draw the model on a

466

: 00:26:13

whiteboard and people go, oh my God,

why don't people tell us about this?

467

: 00:26:17

Mm-hmm.

468

: 00:26:18

So, eye-opening and you can already

see when it's explained briefly.

469

: 00:26:23

Where you fall and what areas

are, are you dysfunctional?

470

: 00:26:28

You can see it like, I used

to have terrible self-esteem.

471

: 00:26:31

So you know that that's a toxic

shame person, a person who

472

: 00:26:35

doesn't think they're good enough.

473

: 00:26:37

Mm-hmm.

474

: 00:26:37

And there's the grandiose people

who think they know everything.

475

: 00:26:41

I think they're better than people.

476

: 00:26:44

And so you're gonna hear about.

477

: 00:26:46

This and that, and you're gonna

know where you fall in the paradigm.

478

: 00:26:50

Neither one is conducive

to healthy relationships.

479

: 00:26:54

Right, right.

480

: 00:26:56

Speaker: All right,

well let's plan that Dr.

481

: 00:26:57

Becky for next time.

482

: 00:26:59

Can we, so you gotta gimme about a month.

483

: 00:27:01

I, that's fine.

484

: 00:27:03

I hope to be around in a month.

485

: 00:27:06

Whatcha talking about

you're gonna be in a month?

486

: 00:27:09

So now I just hope that I can

do all the things I'm doing

487

: 00:27:12

and read that book in a month.

488

: 00:27:14

So

489

: 00:27:15

Speaker 2: I hope so you

can get it on a audio book.

490

: 00:27:18

And I, you know, for a long

time she didn't have it

491

: 00:27:21

available except in hard copy.

492

: 00:27:22

But, but, but it is available in

audiobook now, but dead gummit, if a man

493

: 00:27:26

doesn't read it, that makes me so angry.

494

: 00:27:28

To read a book written by a woman.

495

: 00:27:31

Read by a man.

496

: 00:27:32

Speaker: Oh, you're kidding.

497

: 00:27:34

Speaker 2: No, dad, gummit.

498

: 00:27:36

They should have asked my opinion.

499

: 00:27:40

Speaker: Oh, well, and I've,

I'm just sitting here thinking,

500

: 00:27:42

what's the quickest way?

501

: 00:27:43

I don't know.

502

: 00:27:44

Sometimes I can't do the audio,

um, because I'll put it in at night

503

: 00:27:49

and fall asleep and then I miss it.

504

: 00:27:52

Well, she,

505

: 00:27:53

Speaker 2: there might

be a digital copy now.

506

: 00:27:55

You know, I haven't I, the last time

I checked out, I don't, there wasn't

507

: 00:27:58

one, but there might be one now.

508

: 00:28:00

Okay.

509

: 00:28:00

I'll check it out.

510

: 00:28:01

I'll check it out.

511

: 00:28:02

But her books have been selling by

the zillion for 30 years, you know.

512

: 00:28:06

Okay.

513

: 00:28:07

Speaker: All right.

514

: 00:28:08

Well I'm gonna look her up.

515

: 00:28:09

I appreciate that information.

516

: 00:28:10

And then for Saddle Up Live,

I'm gonna do my research on

517

: 00:28:13

praying together to stay married.

518

: 00:28:16

I wanna hear that research.

519

: 00:28:18

I wanna know, I wanna

see, I'll send it to.

520

: 00:28:22

It sounds good, Dr.

521

: 00:28:23

Becky, as always, it's such a pleasure.

522

: 00:28:26

I love what you're doing and I

thank you from the bottom of my

523

: 00:28:30

heart for being here with us today.

524

: 00:28:32

Thanks so

525

: 00:28:33

Speaker 2: much

526

: 00:28:33

Speaker: for having

527

: 00:28:34

Speaker 2: me.

528

: 00:28:34

Had a great time.

529

: 00:28:35

Speaker: You take care.