Why Being Selfish Can Save Your Life: Empowering Women After Divorce & Midlife Reinvention

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Welcome to Doing Life Different.

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I am so excited about today's episode.

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I have Valerie Jones, or Val with

me today, and we just had the

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greatest, most authentic conversation.

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She's a coach.

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She does coach.

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Women after divorce, but she's also

got a book called The Selfish Year.

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She's got a podcast called The Selfish

Woman Podcast, and we just really

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go through and talk personally.

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We dive deep.

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It gets a little uncomfortable

sometimes, but we dive deep into.

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Why women feel like it's wrong

to be selfish, and we have

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some like amazing aha moments.

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Um, and one of them was when she

spent her selfish year, she actually

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ended up doing a lot more and helping

and serving other people more.

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She was taking care of herself.

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So I just think that this is such a

great conversation for any woman because

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for some reason our neural pathways can

make it so that we feel like selfish is

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a bad word and it doesn't need to be.

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So stay tuned.

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It's so good.

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I'm so glad you're here.

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Speaker: Okay, Val,

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Speaker 2: I'm excited

to get chatting about

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Speaker: the word

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Speaker 2: selfish.

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Lisa, I can't wait to have

this conversation with you.

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We're already feeling the vibes, right?

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Uhhuh?

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Exactly.

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The energy is high today.

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So yeah, we're coming in hot.

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I'm sure we're gonna

have a lot to talk about.

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I mean, we've been already kind of

chatting about like the word selfish.

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Why it's a dirty word for women.

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Why are we so scared of this word?

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I have a lot to say about that.

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I'm sure you do too.

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Speaker: Yeah.

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And I, I really want to hear from you

because we're both writing the books.

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That's right.

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But Val, yours is coming out soon, I

think September 3rd, and it really is

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honing in on, on that word, selfish.

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So I wanna dig in and talk about that.

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And I think what's gonna be

so fun about our conversation

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today is that we are both.

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Here to empower women.

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That's right.

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You know, I know that you

help women after divorce.

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I've helped women after divorce, through

divorce, around divorce, through cancer,

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through, you know, any hard time.

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It's just empowering them even to

do life different, to do it better.

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At any age.

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I mean, I'm talking 50 and up.

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Speaker 2: Hell yeah.

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I'm 56.

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My birthday's on August 20th.

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I'll be 57, then you'll catch up to me.

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Okay.

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And, uh, I'm telling you, fifties

are awesome, but it is an invitation

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whether you're 40, 50, 60, whatever,

it's an invitation to examine your

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life and look at, okay, where do

I wanna do things differently?

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Like you said.

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Mm-hmm.

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What's not working?

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What do I want more of?

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And it really is the time

of reinvention and midlife.

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Women are rocking our stuff like we

are out here making things happen.

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And so that is the invitation, but it

starts with a reckoning, as I call it.

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A reckoning of like where I

am and how did I get here.

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And what isn't working.

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We have to start there.

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Speaker: Yeah.

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I, and I wanna delve into that more

and I've got a little story for you.

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Love it.

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So, and I had been like

doing all the work, right?

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Like I, the coaching and the, I was

so excited because I really didn't

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start my business until I was.

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Late forties.

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Yeah.

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And it was so fun to, to be excited

about this, but it hit me over the head.

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So I have a baby by far.

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I've got grandkids with my older kids.

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And then we've got this baby that we

adopted, and this is a couple years ago.

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And we're going into the hot

cathedral for her graduation ceremony.

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And we get to sit by our kiddos

and I'm walking in with my hubby

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and my daughter and it's super hot

and there's no air conditioning.

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And my, I'm, I'm totally going.

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Oh my gosh, Sophia's not gonna make it.

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She's got that huge,

what is she, you know?

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Oh, how is she gonna survive?

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And I'm all worried about her.

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And then I look at my husband and

I'm like, we are way up at the front.

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If that guy has to go to the

bathroom, what is he gonna do?

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And I sat down and suddenly I

went, how the hell do I feel?

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Mm-hmm.

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I mean, I'm hot.

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Mm-hmm.

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I mean, take care of mama.

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Yeah.

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Isn't it funny?

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And I just, a switch went and I went,

even though I've been doing all this work.

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It is so ingrained in my head.

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Yeah.

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That I don't even really, you know,

we don't think about ourselves.

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And here's the thing that I've learned

is that we can't be good examples.

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We can't really serve God or people.

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Unless we're taking care of ourselves.

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So it's really not selfish.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly.

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That's that moment, right, where you

kind of wake up to the pattern, the

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program and how our brains have gotten

so wired and conditioned from childhood

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and up to be selfless and selfless.

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I live my most of my life with the

selfless, you know, badge of honor,

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thinking I was doing life right, putting

everybody else first, and I ended up.

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Two divorces.

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I was in an emotionally abusive marriage,

um, and I was desperately unhappy.

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And so at the end of 2019, I

knew something had to change.

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I had that moment, that

cathedral moment, right?

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Yeah.

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I call it the sofa moment 'cause I was

on my sofa in the middle of the night

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after yet another fight, another argument.

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Crying, you know, and it was like I

had that moment of like never again.

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Like something has to

change and it has to be me.

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Like I have to change how

I'm showing up in my life.

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And it was that moment that started.

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The whole year of 2020, which I

decided, hey, selfless, which I see

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as kind of less of myself, right?

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Mm-hmm.

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That's how I was doing life.

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Let me try something different.

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What if I was selfish for a whole year?

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What if I chose me for an entire

year and did everything according

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to what was right for me?

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Now for me that was radical and it sent

me on an entire journey of self-awareness

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and an understanding of why women

have to prioritize our ourself first.

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And not only for ourselves, but then

when we give It's from overflow.

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It's from overflow.

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'cause we're so full of ourself.

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Speaker: Yep.

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And you know, as you're talking, I'm just

thinking and, and so in, in agreement

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with you about, I think I always thought.

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I wanted to be like self-righteous

and helping people and God wanted me

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to do this and you wanna know what?

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We are daughters of the King and we

are here to be filled and enjoy life.

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And then that's, did you find, I'm so

curious about, 'cause I'm not there yet.

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Mm-hmm.

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Did you find that you actually

ended up helping more people

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when you took care of yourself?

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Speaker 2: 1000% because how could I

help people when I'm like exhausted,

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overwhelmed, burned out, struggling.

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Low levels of income,

low levels of energy.

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So that selfish year was really like a

stripping away of a lot of those programs

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and conditioning and a lot of healing.

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And then I started getting my

energy back after that year.

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And my book is called The Selfish Year.

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It's about that year.

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But after that is when

things started to change.

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And that's when I started

believing in myself more.

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And I started my podcast.

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I wrote my book, my business exploded.

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You know, and now I'm

like running retreats.

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I'm speaking, I, you know,

I have a global business.

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That all happened because I was selfish.

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And you know, I say to women like, you

have to be fabulously selfish if you want

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to actually see your dreams come true,

because nobody's gonna do it for you.

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It's up to you.

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And if you are not taking care of

yourself and tending to your own

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inner garden as I call it, right?

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Then, where is that

energy gonna come from?

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Mm-hmm.

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And that, that's, that was a

hard lesson for me to learn.

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Speaker: Well, and so I'm so, um.

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Interested in, in your year?

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Because this is a journey, right?

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And there can be, and I went through

something really hard where I had,

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um, stage one breast cancer, but I had

to go through all kinds of treatment.

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Mm.

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Not fun treatment.

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Mm.

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And it was scary and hard and

it was, that was an aha moment.

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I like to, I like the

cathedral moment better.

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Yeah.

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Then I don't wanna say cancer moment.

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It was, it was an awakening

of holy shit balls.

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Something's gotta, I should ask,

can we swear on your podcast?

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I swear I never do.

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Oh yeah.

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We're a

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Speaker 2: person over at the.

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Speaker: But I was just like,

something's gotta change.

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Something isn't right.

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I was not living for joy.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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I

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Speaker: was not being joyful

in community with other women.

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And what's so I, I wanna hear

more about your year because

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this is what I've been finding.

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It's so hard to change

those neural pathways.

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Yeah.

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So even though I'm big into

coaching and I believe in it.

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But if those, you can do everything

you can, but if you don't believe

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it and sometimes you think you

believe it, like it doesn't make

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sense that you don't believe it.

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Right.

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Yeah.

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But if you don't change

that neural pathway mm-hmm.

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You can't take action and

actually live it and believe it.

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And I started doing like some

NLP neurolinguistic programming.

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One simple thing that I have

done, I work with someone.

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I also, I don't know if

you've heard of Bruce Lipton?

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Yeah.

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He explained that when you're

under hypnosis, that's when

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you can kind of change that.

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And one way you can do that

is to record your voice.

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Mm-hmm.

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Like saying things like, I

am deserving of forgiveness.

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Mm-hmm.

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Boom.

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That's one statement that I make.

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I've learned to make them general,

not specific, because I don't

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wanna a palamino horse anymore.

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Yeah, right.

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When you do that.

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And I can listen to it

before I fall asleep.

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It's that point right when

you're falling asleep that it

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can kind of switch your brain.

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Yeah.

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Seems to be helping a little.

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Tell me how you deal with that.

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Because even though we know, so you

and I are intelligent, we're talking

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about this, we've seen it work.

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We've seen that when we take care of

ourselves, we can live our dreams,

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which is going to impact more people.

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It's going to help the world more.

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So you're actually, you're

actually being less selfish.

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By taking care of yourself.

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Yep.

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Yep.

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But how come it's so hard to believe that?

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I know,

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Speaker 2: I know, right?

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As you said, right.

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It's, uh, the belief, and as we know,

the subconscious is about 95% of

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what's going on in our brains, and

that's where the programs live from

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childhood, as you said, the neural

pathways that really run our life.

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And so consciously, logically, I can say

I don't wanna be a people pleaser anymore.

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I, I wanna set a boundary or

I wanna say no, that's only

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like 5% of what's going on.

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The rest, is that program

running under the surface?

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That old software that's saying it's

not safe to say no, it's not safe

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to show up and be bigger or bolder

or, you know, disappoint somebody.

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And so for me, I have the

People Pleaser program, right?

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I do.

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I do too.

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Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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So I had to really dismantle that.

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And as you're saying, it's like we

can logically know what we have to

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do, but when we go to do it, if your

subconscious doesn't feel safe to do it.

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You won't be showing up like that.

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Not consistently.

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And so what I realized is

inner safety is really the key.

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And so number one, you've gotta

know what your program is.

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Are you a people pleaser?

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Are you a perfectionist?

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Are you a control freak?

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Like what is it?

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Mm-hmm.

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Then you've gotta understand that your

brain's only job is to keep you safe.

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Your brain doesn't want you to be

successful, that means you gotta get outta

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your comfort zone and stretch and grow.

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And that signals danger to your brain.

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So your brain's only job is to keep you

safe, and therefore we have to start

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creating safety around taking new action.

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So just like you were saying about what

I, I love that about recording your

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voice and then basically hypnotizing

yourself with your own voice at night.

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Right.

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That's it.

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It's like it's safe to show up.

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It's safe to set a

boundary because I am safe.

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I'm not looking for it

outside with somebody else.

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I'm building that inner safety inside.

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And when you do that.

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Your brain starts to submit, your brain

starts to relax and starts to be open to

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even the idea of doing it differently.

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For me, that was a transformational

shift of understanding that one key

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point, and then it goes into, okay,

if that's true, how do you do it?

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How do you help your body and and

your brain to feel safe when you're

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doing something different, when you're

getting outta your comfort zone?

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Yeah.

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Speaker: So, okay.

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Questions.

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I have a couple questions.

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So those are three great things.

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Do I have done that?

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A test to find out how I'm programmed?

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I was equally a perfectionist

and a high achiever, right?

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Um, I had little pieces of

everything and I can't even

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remember where I got that test.

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How can people learn what,

where they're coming from?

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Speaker 2: Exactly.

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So I actually have a

free test that is Yay.

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Yay.

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I'm wondering if you did,

um, positive intelligence.

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Was it the Sabo?

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Yes, I did.

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Yeah.

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Saboteurs.

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Yes I did.

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You can do that one too, which is awesome.

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I actually did the training with him.

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Speaker: I did some too.

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With

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Speaker 2: him?

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Yeah.

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Okay, okay.

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I love it.

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Um, but I created my

own, and it's for women.

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And this is about, you know, I talk

about becoming the queen of your life.

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Because we are meant to be queens.

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We are meant to like sit on the

throne with our crown in our head.

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What does that mean?

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It means we know who we are.

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We know our identity as

a queen in our own life.

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And we're not out there like talking

to the villagers trying to convince

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them, you know, that we're the queen.

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It's like, no, no, no.

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You are.

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That is your identity.

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Um, and when you actually become

the queen of your life, you know

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your power, you know your resources.

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You know who your, you know,

your advisory council is, but

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you are making the decisions.

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And, and so I use this framework of

the queen of your life because it's

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really helped me to see like, okay,

who you are, what your identity is.

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But then we've gotta

look at the masks, right?

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What are the masks we wear to try to

blend in, to try to fit in, to try

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to be accepted, to try to stay safe?

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And each mask represents one of these

areas, like you said, the victim

340

: 00:15:16

or the pleaser or the controller.

341

: 00:15:18

And so I've created this free

assessment for women and you will see

342

: 00:15:23

like, which mask do I wear the most?

343

: 00:15:25

You know, like I said, for me it's the

pleaser, which I call the mirror mask.

344

: 00:15:30

Because we're always looking out.

345

: 00:15:32

Yeah.

346

: 00:15:32

And that reflection that comes back is

how we've been designed to see our worth.

347

: 00:15:38

Speaker: Well, it's so interesting,

Val, because what I've discovered is

348

: 00:15:43

actually people pleasing is really,

I've really wasted a lot that one

349

: 00:15:48

of the things I'm doing right now is

keeping track of how much time I waste

350

: 00:15:52

worrying about what other people think.

351

: 00:15:53

Yeah.

352

: 00:15:54

But it also is, in a weird way, really.

353

: 00:15:59

Focusing on yourself only?

354

: 00:16:01

Yes.

355

: 00:16:02

I mean, I don't even get to talk to

anyone else because I'm so worried

356

: 00:16:04

about what they're gonna think of me.

357

: 00:16:06

Okay.

358

: 00:16:06

So what about connecting with someone?

359

: 00:16:08

Speaker 2: Right, exactly.

360

: 00:16:09

So say more about that, because I

think that's really important when

361

: 00:16:13

we talk about people pleasing.

362

: 00:16:15

Mm-hmm.

363

: 00:16:15

We're so used to being like, oh

yeah, like I take care of everybody.

364

: 00:16:18

But what you're saying is this sort

of deeper level that's actually

365

: 00:16:23

more insidious, I think I'm curious.

366

: 00:16:25

To hear more about that.

367

: 00:16:27

Speaker: Yeah, and I don't even know.

368

: 00:16:30

I get, I got nervous when you asked me

to talk more about it because I haven't

369

: 00:16:33

thought about it a lot, but I know that

it's there and the realization came to me.

370

: 00:16:40

When I started thinking about how

much time do I waste thinking about

371

: 00:16:43

this and how I'm not living and

connecting with other peoples, how,

372

: 00:16:47

in a way it's kind of a bad selfish,

it is actual actually being selfish.

373

: 00:16:53

The one

374

: 00:16:53

Speaker 2: we don't want.

375

: 00:16:55

Speaker: Yeah, and it's funny and

it's a little bit, I don't know how

376

: 00:16:58

to say this, a little prideful, like

a little bit controlling a little bit.

377

: 00:17:03

I've got this.

378

: 00:17:04

I'm perfect.

379

: 00:17:04

Oh, that's real fun to connect with.

380

: 00:17:06

Yeah.

381

: 00:17:06

Right.

382

: 00:17:07

Who wants to be my friend if I'm like

trying to be perfect all the time?

383

: 00:17:10

I lived so much of my life like that.

384

: 00:17:14

Like not making real connections.

385

: 00:17:16

Yeah.

386

: 00:17:16

Speaker 2: Yeah.

387

: 00:17:17

' Speaker: cause that there was this

big, and that was the thing, and I

388

: 00:17:20

was just talking about this today.

389

: 00:17:22

I did a YouTube short today, and

if you go look at it, I look.

390

: 00:17:26

Ungodly awful.

391

: 00:17:28

I have no makeup on.

392

: 00:17:29

I'm on my walk.

393

: 00:17:30

My hair is frizz out.

394

: 00:17:32

But I was thinking about why it

bothered me so much to have cancer.

395

: 00:17:38

Mm.

396

: 00:17:39

Because it, and it's

like, it's, it's humbling.

397

: 00:17:42

Yeah.

398

: 00:17:43

I was always so in control,

you know what I mean?

399

: 00:17:46

I wouldn't have to go

through chemo because I am.

400

: 00:17:49

You know, the people pleaser.

401

: 00:17:51

No one wants to be someone

who has cancer, right?

402

: 00:17:54

No.

403

: 00:17:54

So that like stripped me of that.

404

: 00:17:56

But it was just today, like over a year

later that it hit me over the head.

405

: 00:18:01

Don't forget that lesson.

406

: 00:18:03

Speaker 2: Yeah.

407

: 00:18:03

Speaker: Don't forget that lesson in

humility in, you know, and you know,

408

: 00:18:07

Val, another thing I wanted to mention.

409

: 00:18:09

I love, I'm writing, I'm taking notes.

410

: 00:18:11

That's why I'm looking down as well.

411

: 00:18:12

Mm-hmm.

412

: 00:18:13

You said you're queen of your life.

413

: 00:18:16

And that that's what worked for you?

414

: 00:18:17

What changed my life, and it's because

I think it's because of my relationship

415

: 00:18:21

with God, but as soon as I started

saying I'm a daughter of the King.

416

: 00:18:26

Mm.

417

: 00:18:26

Well, you know what I mean?

418

: 00:18:29

That was what K got me.

419

: 00:18:32

Like I can do anything.

420

: 00:18:34

Right.

421

: 00:18:34

Daughter of the king.

422

: 00:18:36

Right.

423

: 00:18:37

I mean, it's the same

thing that you are saying.

424

: 00:18:39

Same thing, yes.

425

: 00:18:40

It's the identity.

426

: 00:18:42

Yes.

427

: 00:18:42

Okay.

428

: 00:18:42

Now tell me, did I talk enough you

were interested in that people pleasing

429

: 00:18:47

and how it's actually more selfish.

430

: 00:18:48

Did I dig in there enough

or did I evade the topic?

431

: 00:18:52

Speaker 2: Let's dig a little more.

432

: 00:18:53

Speaker: Oh, great.

433

: 00:19:00

Speaker 2: Because I loved what

you said about the sort of like.

434

: 00:19:04

Uh, that it can be a bit self-righteous

or it can be a little bit like, I

435

: 00:19:08

know how to make everybody happy.

436

: 00:19:10

Yep, I know.

437

: 00:19:11

But what I learned was that, wait a

second, am I being manipulative because I

438

: 00:19:17

know how to shapeshift and be what other

people want me to be or need me to be so

439

: 00:19:22

that they're comfortable or they're happy?

440

: 00:19:26

Um, why?

441

: 00:19:27

Because I don't wanna be uncomfortable.

442

: 00:19:30

Yep.

443

: 00:19:30

'cause that discomfort of

somebody being disappointed in

444

: 00:19:33

me, for example, is too much.

445

: 00:19:35

So let me just be who you need

me to be so you are comfy.

446

: 00:19:38

And then I don't have to

sit in my own discomfort.

447

: 00:19:42

And when I realized that, I

was like, oh, wait a second.

448

: 00:19:44

Yeah, that's what I'm doing.

449

: 00:19:46

It's not because I wanna help that person.

450

: 00:19:48

It's 'cause I don't

wanna feel uncomfortable.

451

: 00:19:50

Yeah.

452

: 00:19:50

And this isn't about.

453

: 00:19:52

Judging ourself or blaming

ourself, that is literally a trauma

454

: 00:19:56

response from childhood usually.

455

: 00:19:58

And that's how we stayed

safe like that worked.

456

: 00:20:01

So we can understand that, right?

457

: 00:20:03

With grace and compassion

for our former self, right?

458

: 00:20:06

Who did what we needed to do, but

now it's our responsibility to

459

: 00:20:10

deal with that and to heal it.

460

: 00:20:12

And so for me it really was like, oh

yeah, I'm actually doing this for me.

461

: 00:20:18

Speaker: Right.

462

: 00:20:19

And isn't there freedom in that?

463

: 00:20:21

Yeah.

464

: 00:20:21

Because you actually get to say what you

think, because isn't it so exhausting?

465

: 00:20:28

Like I thought that I was an introvert.

466

: 00:20:30

I don't think I'm an introvert.

467

: 00:20:32

I think I'm just, so, I'm

not getting that vibe, Lisa.

468

: 00:20:37

No, I, I like one-on-ones.

469

: 00:20:39

Yeah.

470

: 00:20:39

A lot more than big parties.

471

: 00:20:41

Same.

472

: 00:20:41

But it's so exhausting to go

in and try to read the room.

473

: 00:20:44

What does she want?

474

: 00:20:46

What does she want?

475

: 00:20:47

Yeah.

476

: 00:20:47

Here's the interesting thing though,

Val, is that it really made me probably,

477

: 00:20:53

I think I'm a really good mediator.

478

: 00:20:55

Yeah.

479

: 00:20:56

It really, uh, when I sit down.

480

: 00:21:00

With a couple.

481

: 00:21:02

I, I, I'm so trained.

482

: 00:21:05

Sure.

483

: 00:21:05

Yeah.

484

: 00:21:05

So there are gifts.

485

: 00:21:07

Well, that's, there's the

486

: 00:21:08

Speaker 2: superpower side of it.

487

: 00:21:10

Yes.

488

: 00:21:10

Yes.

489

: 00:21:11

Like, like I always think

of it as like, it's not bad.

490

: 00:21:13

There is a superpower side to it.

491

: 00:21:15

Like you, like you said,

you know how to mediate.

492

: 00:21:18

You can read a room, you can pick up on

energy and what, where people are at.

493

: 00:21:22

I think that's the superpower.

494

: 00:21:24

And then there's like, you know,

the kryptonite side of it that

495

: 00:21:29

isn't great, but yeah, it's like

how do we take it and use it?

496

: 00:21:34

In a good way, in a powerful way.

497

: 00:21:36

And then, you know, start to diminish the

need for the other side, which is, yeah,

498

: 00:21:42

I can, I know how to be what you want.

499

: 00:21:44

I know how to dress in a way

that doesn't, you know, that I,

500

: 00:21:47

I blend in or, uh, how to not say

anything that would offend anybody.

501

: 00:21:53

Yes.

502

: 00:21:53

I mean, you know, you have a podcast, you,

you gotta speak the truth and some people

503

: 00:21:57

are gonna like it and some people aren't.

504

: 00:21:59

Yeah.

505

: 00:21:59

And how do you, how do you handle that?

506

: 00:22:02

Right.

507

: 00:22:02

You know?

508

: 00:22:03

Right.

509

: 00:22:04

Speaker: Okay.

510

: 00:22:04

So now tell me, okay, so we kind of

talked about, we're gonna have in the show

511

: 00:22:07

notes how people can get that free quiz.

512

: 00:22:10

Yeah.

513

: 00:22:10

Yeah.

514

: 00:22:11

And then, um, we talk about,

I'm, I'm just curious is how did

515

: 00:22:16

you, and I'll, I'll share how I'm

trying to make myself feel safe.

516

: 00:22:22

Mm.

517

: 00:22:22

And the only way that I've found,

and you probably have a better

518

: 00:22:26

way, 'cause I'm just, you know,

muscling through this on my own here.

519

: 00:22:30

Is I keep, um, trying to do it

different, doing life different.

520

: 00:22:34

Right?

521

: 00:22:35

So I, I am like, I wake up and if

I'm going out to a party, even if

522

: 00:22:42

it's gonna be a little uncomfortable,

I'm gonna speak what I think.

523

: 00:22:48

Mm-hmm.

524

: 00:22:49

Even if I read the room and

it's not what they think.

525

: 00:22:53

In fact I just did it over lunch, um,

with my daughter and her sister-in-law.

526

: 00:23:00

My other daughter and they all

have different political views

527

: 00:23:05

and I was able to speak my truth.

528

: 00:23:09

With love and kindness and my gosh,

don't we need that in this world?

529

: 00:23:14

Totally.

530

: 00:23:14

Yes.

531

: 00:23:15

So that was good practice.

532

: 00:23:17

Yeah.

533

: 00:23:18

Right.

534

: 00:23:18

And sometimes it's hard Val, like

when my son, who's like my golden

535

: 00:23:22

boy, if I do something that bugs

him because I tell him what I think.

536

: 00:23:26

Mm-hmm.

537

: 00:23:27

Mm-hmm.

538

: 00:23:28

It's really uncomfortable.

539

: 00:23:30

Right.

540

: 00:23:31

And then I just go to him, oh, a people

541

: 00:23:32

Speaker 2: pleaser.

542

: 00:23:33

This is really hard.

543

: 00:23:35

And yet you're modeling.

544

: 00:23:37

You're modeling something powerful.

545

: 00:23:40

Yeah.

546

: 00:23:40

Right.

547

: 00:23:40

You're modeling what it looks like to be

a strong woman with opinions who's able

548

: 00:23:46

to communicate them in a healthy way.

549

: 00:23:49

Yes.

550

: 00:23:50

He needs that too.

551

: 00:23:52

Speaker: Yeah, he does.

552

: 00:23:53

And he's a lot like me.

553

: 00:23:54

Speaker 2: Yeah, so it's like reminding

yourself that, yeah, it's uncomfy.

554

: 00:23:58

Especially when it's your kid perhaps

who's like, you know, not okay with what

555

: 00:24:02

you're saying, but it's like they also

need to see that they also need to see you

556

: 00:24:06

being that woman who says, I, I know what

I believe and it's okay if you disagree.

557

: 00:24:11

Speaker: And that was exactly

the conversation we had.

558

: 00:24:14

Speaker 2: Yeah,

559

: 00:24:15

Speaker: so it's kind of, I find it

the courage to do, to do scary things.

560

: 00:24:20

'cause there are gonna be scary things

and we're gonna be uncomfortable.

561

: 00:24:23

And once you do it, you go, okay,

well I guess I can you build that

562

: 00:24:26

evidence, but tell me, Val, how did you.

563

: 00:24:29

Feel safe inside?

564

: 00:24:31

Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, it's a complex

journey, but I will say a couple things.

565

: 00:24:35

One is connect to yourself, and this

means you gotta sit with yourself by

566

: 00:24:41

yourself and start listening in, right?

567

: 00:24:44

Listening in.

568

: 00:24:45

'cause the more you tune into your

truth, not the lies in your head, but

569

: 00:24:50

the truth of your spirit, your soul,

the more you tune in, the more you

570

: 00:24:54

hear the truth of who you really are.

571

: 00:24:56

And what's.

572

: 00:24:57

What's actually safe, right?

573

: 00:24:59

So I see that as like sitting in the

discomfort of being with yourself,

574

: 00:25:03

which a lot of people don't wanna do.

575

: 00:25:05

Mm-hmm.

576

: 00:25:05

They're distracting, they're avoiding.

577

: 00:25:07

And I did that for four decades.

578

: 00:25:09

I was running from that.

579

: 00:25:10

Speaker: Mm-hmm.

580

: 00:25:10

And

581

: 00:25:10

Speaker 2: so my selfish year.

582

: 00:25:12

Was, I was literally by

myself for basically a year.

583

: 00:25:15

I went into deep solitude.

584

: 00:25:17

Speaker: You did?

585

: 00:25:18

And

586

: 00:25:19

Speaker 2: yeah, I did because

I left my, my relationship

587

: 00:25:22

and then I moved countries.

588

: 00:25:24

I came back to Canada.

589

: 00:25:25

I'm Canadian, and um.

590

: 00:25:28

And we were living as

expats in Spain at the time.

591

: 00:25:30

So I left and I said, I need

some space to figure things out.

592

: 00:25:33

And then 2020, the COVID happened,

the borders closed, and there I

593

: 00:25:37

was exactly where I needed to be.

594

: 00:25:40

Yeah.

595

: 00:25:40

Couldn't go anywhere.

596

: 00:25:41

And I rented an empty apartment

and I sat in it for a year.

597

: 00:25:45

And there's this Blaze Pascal quote,

and it says, all of humanity's

598

: 00:25:50

problems stem from our inability

to sit quietly in a room alone.

599

: 00:25:56

And man, do I ever believe that?

600

: 00:25:59

So sitting by myself, getting out into

nature, feeling into like who am I?

601

: 00:26:05

What is the truth?

602

: 00:26:06

Okay.

603

: 00:26:06

That's number one.

604

: 00:26:08

But I go back.

605

: 00:26:09

Going back to what you said with your son,

I see it as also taking micro changes.

606

: 00:26:15

I like this term.

607

: 00:26:16

Micro changes.

608

: 00:26:16

Mm-hmm.

609

: 00:26:17

'cause it's like, no, if you think

of like doing the big scary thing,

610

: 00:26:21

like leaving a marriage, like going

through chemo, like whatever it is.

611

: 00:26:25

It's gonna feel so

overwhelming that's not safe.

612

: 00:26:28

Your mind and body are gonna shut that

down and you're not gonna go and do, do

613

: 00:26:32

what you need to do, speak up, whatever.

614

: 00:26:34

But if you think of a micro

change like that, like you said

615

: 00:26:37

at lunch, I'm gonna say one thing.

616

: 00:26:39

Um, it's small enough that you can do it.

617

: 00:26:42

It's still feels scary.

618

: 00:26:43

But after you do it, it builds that

evidence that like, right, I'm okay.

619

: 00:26:48

I survived.

620

: 00:26:49

It was safe.

621

: 00:26:50

And those micro changes,

I think is how we do it.

622

: 00:26:53

So whether it's speaking up or you

know, um, talking to a friend and

623

: 00:26:58

saying something or wearing something

that you normally wouldn't wear, like,

624

: 00:27:01

look for that tiny little shift that

feels a little bit uncomfortable.

625

: 00:27:06

Not so scary that you're gonna sabotage.

626

: 00:27:08

And I think that's also key.

627

: 00:27:10

So I always look at it as

like the inner and the outer.

628

: 00:27:12

Connect to self.

629

: 00:27:14

Sit with yourself, learn about yourself,

get to know yourself, and then take a

630

: 00:27:18

small action and as you said, right,

feel the fear and do it anyways.

631

: 00:27:23

Mm-hmm.

632

: 00:27:23

Just, just take that little step.

633

: 00:27:25

That's all you need to do.

634

: 00:27:27

Speaker: I like that because I

am, my husband always teases me.

635

: 00:27:30

I'm one of those people that if I'm

in a car, it's either blasting heat.

636

: 00:27:36

Or freezing cold, like it's like all

or nothing that all baby just, and

637

: 00:27:43

so I could be someone that would just

come out and go and then just get

638

: 00:27:47

so beat up and I would have a hard

time picking the pieces up again.

639

: 00:27:53

Speaker 2: Right.

640

: 00:27:54

Right.

641

: 00:27:54

And so when we sort of pull the reins back

and go, okay, one small step, what is it?

642

: 00:28:00

You know, do your YouTube video

or, you know, whatever it is.

643

: 00:28:04

And it's like, ah, I did it.

644

: 00:28:06

I mean, how do we build courage?

645

: 00:28:08

We watch ourself doing scary things.

646

: 00:28:11

Speaker: Yeah.

647

: 00:28:11

Speaker 2: And then we look back

and go, look what I just did, and

648

: 00:28:14

you have a little more courage.

649

: 00:28:15

But look, we, we don't need

courage if we're not afraid.

650

: 00:28:20

So fear is necessary if we just have

to know how to use it to start to give

651

: 00:28:26

us the action in the right direction.

652

: 00:28:29

Speaker: Yeah.

653

: 00:28:30

I love that.

654

: 00:28:30

This is so, this is so helpful.

655

: 00:28:33

You know, Val, I was like, this is

gonna be one of my best podcasts.

656

: 00:28:37

I, I thought that before I jumped on and

I'm like, I really think it is because

657

: 00:28:41

I feel like it's been so authentic.

658

: 00:28:46

And that I've been able to chat

with you and meet a new friend.

659

: 00:28:49

Yeah, I know, right?

660

: 00:28:50

Yeah.

661

: 00:28:51

And I feel like our time

is up, which I hate.

662

: 00:28:56

Yeah.

663

: 00:28:56

But can we connect again?

664

: 00:28:58

Can we talk about another topic?

665

: 00:29:00

'cause this is so fun and this is like.

666

: 00:29:03

I know this is what every woman needs.

667

: 00:29:05

Right?

668

: 00:29:06

Speaker 2: I know.

669

: 00:29:06

Literally we just want, can we just sit,

have coffee, chat, chat with our friends

670

: 00:29:11

who are listening, chat with each other?

671

: 00:29:13

Yeah.

672

: 00:29:13

Um, and have a real conversation

like we're craving authenticity.

673

: 00:29:18

And it's so easy, again, to show

up with that mask of like, look

674

: 00:29:21

at me, I'm the perfect whatever.

675

: 00:29:23

And that's all bs.

676

: 00:29:25

Okay.

677

: 00:29:26

We're all just like, you know,

trying to figure this out.

678

: 00:29:29

I, I like to say we're all, this is the

first time all of us are being humans.

679

: 00:29:34

Like,

680

: 00:29:35

Speaker: amen.

681

: 00:29:36

And it's so funny because I'm sitting

here fighting a hot flash and I'm

682

: 00:29:40

like, now this is not being authentic.

683

: 00:29:42

I'm like trying to

pretend I'm not having it.

684

: 00:29:45

I know, right?

685

: 00:29:46

Like, I'm

686

: 00:29:46

Speaker 2: fine.

687

: 00:29:48

It happened to me yesterday.

688

: 00:29:50

I was on a podcast and the

Zoom kept kicking us out.

689

: 00:29:53

The wifi kept kicking us out.

690

: 00:29:55

Oh.

691

: 00:29:55

Like three times.

692

: 00:29:56

We're trying and we're like, oh my gosh.

693

: 00:29:57

You know, like we're all

just figuring this out.

694

: 00:30:00

Nobody knows what they're doing,

but we're all just sharing our lives

695

: 00:30:03

and you know, wherever you're at, I

mean, rom does right what he said.

696

: 00:30:08

We're all just walking each

other home like that's it.

697

: 00:30:12

We're all on the path.

698

: 00:30:14

Speaker: I love that.

699

: 00:30:15

Speaker 2: Yeah.

700

: 00:30:15

We're all just,

701

: 00:30:16

Speaker: yeah.

702

: 00:30:17

So mine, mine comes from Joe Rogan.

703

: 00:30:19

He's not that deep.

704

: 00:30:20

Yeah.

705

: 00:30:22

We're all just a bunch of babies

trying to figure things out.

706

: 00:30:24

I'm like,

707

: 00:30:25

Speaker 2: I do kinda love that.

708

: 00:30:27

Right?

709

: 00:30:27

So for you and me to have a

conversation like this, I think really

710

: 00:30:32

this is what people need to hear.

711

: 00:30:34

Mm-hmm.

712

: 00:30:35

Is like, what's the real deal of

where you are, how you got there.

713

: 00:30:39

And that's, that's what my book is about.

714

: 00:30:42

Really,

715

: 00:30:42

Speaker: I can't wait to read it.

716

: 00:30:43

I think we're gonna have

to talk again after that.

717

: 00:30:46

And what I wanna say is we talked about

hard things and how life is hard, but I

718

: 00:30:50

also will say I have never in my life felt

as much joy and peace as I can at moments.

719

: 00:31:00

It's not always, it's not

like a switch one off and woo,

720

: 00:31:03

I'm, you know what I mean?

721

: 00:31:04

Yeah, yeah.

722

: 00:31:05

But it is better.

723

: 00:31:06

It is different.

724

: 00:31:07

Yeah.

725

: 00:31:07

Speaker 2: And look, isn't that.

726

: 00:31:09

The result, like that's

the result how you feel.

727

: 00:31:13

If you feel more joy, peace,

contentment, happiness.

728

: 00:31:17

That's the result of all

the work you've been doing?

729

: 00:31:21

Speaker: Yeah.

730

: 00:31:21

Speaker 2: And how we feel is everything.

731

: 00:31:24

Speaker: Yep.

732

: 00:31:24

Speaker 2: It really is.

733

: 00:31:25

And so that's what we're

doing it all for, isn't it?

734

: 00:31:27

Mm-hmm.

735

: 00:31:27

Just to feel that feeling of like,

ugh, feel some happiness today.

736

: 00:31:32

Excitement, joy, anticipation.

737

: 00:31:34

You know, for someone, for me who

used to be depressed and, and sad

738

: 00:31:38

and anxious, that's revolutionary.

739

: 00:31:41

Speaker: Yeah.

740

: 00:31:42

And, and to know too that it's not.

741

: 00:31:46

You know, there's going to

be those feelings too, and we

742

: 00:31:48

don't need to be afraid of them.

743

: 00:31:50

But you can feel more, more of the joy

and that's what I am walking towards.

744

: 00:31:55

And Val, I have loved our conversation

and amazing chatting with you.

745

: 00:32:00

Yeah.

746

: 00:32:01

Speaker 2: Thank you so much

for Yeah, thank you so much for

747

: 00:32:03

hanging out and, uh, super excited.

748

: 00:32:06

We're definitely gonna do this again.

749

: 00:32:08

For sure.

750

: 00:32:08

Thanks so much, Val.

751

: 00:32:10

Okay.

752

: 00:32:11

Bye-bye.

753

: 00:32:11

Bye.